Wednesday, November 11, 2009

It's Good To Be The King

Bridgekeeper: 'Stop. Who would cross the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three, ere the other side he see.'
Sir Lancelot: 'Ask me the questions, bridgekeeper. I am not afraid.'
Bridgekeeper: 'What... is your name?'
Sir Lancelot: 'My name is Sir Lancelot of Camelot.'
Bridgekeeper: 'What... is your quest?'
Sir Lancelot: 'To seek the Holy Grail.'
Bridgekeeper: 'What... is your favourite colour?'
Sir Lancelot: 'Blue.'
Bridgekeeper: 'Go on. Off you go.
Sir Lancelot: 'Oh, thank you. Thank you very much.'
Sir Robin: 'That's easy.'
Bridgekeeper: 'Stop. Who would cross the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three, ere the other side he see.'
Sir Robin: 'Ask me the questions, bridgekeeper. I'm not afraid.'
Bridgekeeper: 'What... is your name?'
Sir Robin: 'Sir Robin of Camelot.'
Bridgekeeper: 'What... is your quest?'
Sir Robin: 'To seek the Holy Grail.'
Bridgekeeper: 'What... is the capital of Assyria?'
Sir Robin: 'I don't know that. Auuuuuuuugh.'
Bridgekeeper: 'Stop. What... is your name?'
Sir Galahad: 'Sir Galahad of Camelot.'
Bridgekeeper: 'What... is your quest?'
Sir Galahad: 'I seek the Grail.'
Bridgekeeper: 'What... is your favourite colour?'
Sir Galahad: 'Blue. No, yel...' auuuuuuuugh.
Bridgekeeper: 'Hee hee heh. Stop. What... is your name?'
King Arthur: 'It is Arthur, King of the Britons.'
Bridgekeeper: 'What... is your quest?'
King Arthur: 'To seek the Holy Grail.'
Bridgekeeper: 'What... is the air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow?'
King Arthur: 'What do you mean? An African or European swallow?'
Bridgekeeper: 'Huh? I... I don't know that. Auuuuuuuugh.'
Sir Bedevere: 'How do know so much about swallows?'
King Arthur: 'Well, you have to know these things when you're a king, you know.'

Monday, November 9, 2009

Black as Night, Stupid as Wood

King Arthur: 'You fight with the strength of many men, Sir Knight.'
King Arthur: 'I am Arthur, King of the Britons.'
King Arthur: 'I seek the bravest and the finest knights in the land who will join me in my court at Camelot.'
King Arthur: 'You have proved yourself worthy. Will you join me?'
King Arthur: 'You make me sad. So be it. Come, Patsy!'
Black Knight: 'None shall pass.'
King Arthur: 'What?'
Black Knight: 'None shall pass!'
King Arthur: 'I have no quarrel with you, good Sir Knight. But I must cross this bridge.'
Black Knight: 'Then you shall die.'
King Arthur: 'I command you, as King of the Britons, to stand aside!'
Black Knight: 'I move for no man.'
King Arthur: 'So be it!'
King Arthur: 'Now, stand aside, worthy adversary!'
Black Knight: ''Tis but a scratch!'
King Arthur: 'A scratch? Your arm's off!'
Black Knight: 'No, it isn't!'
King Arthur: 'Well, what's that then?'
Black Knight: 'I've had worse.'
King Arthur: 'You liar!'
Black Knight: 'Come on, you pansy!'
King Arthur: 'Victory is mine!'
King Arthur: 'We thank thee, Lord, that in thy mercy -'
Black Knight: 'Come on, then.'
King Arthur: 'What?'
Black Knight: 'Have at you!'
King Arthur: 'You are indeed brave, Sir Knight, but the fight is mine!'
Black Knight: 'Oh, had enough, eh?'
King Arthur: 'Look, you stupid bastard. You've got no arms left!'
Black Knight: 'Right, I'll do you for that!'
King Arthur: 'You'll what?'
Black Knight: 'Come here!'
King Arthur: 'What are you gonna do, bleed on me?'
Black Knight: 'I'm invincible!'
King Arthur: '...You're a loony.'
Black Knight: 'All right, we'll call it a draw.'
King Arthur: 'Come, Patsy.'
Black Knight: 'Oh, oh, I see! Running away, eh? You yellow bastards! Come back here and take what's coming to you! I'll bite your legs off!'

Friday, November 6, 2009

A Wolf in Rabbit's Clothing

Tim: 'There he is!'
King Arthur: 'Where?'
Tim: 'There!'
King Arthur: 'What? Behind the rabbit?'
Tim: 'It is the rabbit!'
King Arthur: 'You silly sod!'
Tim: 'What?'
King Arthur: 'You got us all worked up!'
Tim: 'Well, that's no ordinary rabbit.'
King Arthur: 'Ohh.'
Tim: 'That's the most foul, cruel, and bad-tempered rodent you ever set eyes on!'
Sir Robin: 'You tit! I soiled my armor I was so scared!'
Tim: 'Look, that rabbit's got a vicious streak a mile wide! It's a killer!'
Sir Galahad: 'Get stuffed!'
Tim: 'He'll do you up a treat, mate.'
Sir Galahad: 'Oh, yeah?'
Sir Robin: 'You manky Scots git!'
Tim: 'I'm warning you!'
Sir Robin: 'What's he do? Nibble your bum?'
Tim: 'He's got huge, sharp... er... He can leap about. Look at the bones!'
King Arthur: 'Go on, Bors. Chop his head off!'
Sir Bors: 'Right! Silly little bleeder. One rabbit stew comin' right up!'

Thursday, November 5, 2009

Famous Last Words

King Arthur: 'What does it say, Brother Maynard?'
Brother Maynard: 'It reads, "Here may be found the last words of Joseph of Aramathia. He who is valiant and pure of spirit may find the holy grail in the Castle of Aaauuuggghhh..."'
King Arthur: 'What?'
Brother Maynard: '"The Castle of Aaaauuuggghhhh"'
Sir Bedevere: 'What is that?'
Brother Maynard: 'He must have died while carving it.'
King Arthur: 'Oh come on!'
Brother Maynard: 'Well, that's what it says.'
King Arthur: 'Look, if he was dying, he wouldn't have bothered to carve 'Aaaauuuggghhhh'. He'd just say it.'
Sir Galahad: 'Maybe he was dictating it.'
King Arthur: 'Oh shut up!'
Sir Robin: 'Well does it say anything else?'
Brother Maynard: 'No, just "Aaaaauuuugggghhh".'
Sir Bedevere: 'Do you think he could have meant, 'Camaaaauuuuggghhhh'?'
Sir Galahad: 'Where's that?'
Sir Bedevere: 'France, I think.'
Sir Lancelot: 'Isn't there a Saint "Aaaaavvvveeeesss" in Cornwall?'
King Arthur: 'No that's Saint "Ives".'
Sir Lancelot: 'Oh, yes. "Iiiiiivvvveeessss"!'
Sir Bedevere: 'Whooooouuuuaaa!'
Sir Lancelot: 'No no no, it's "Aaaaauuuugggghhhh" from the back of the throat.'
Sir Bedevere: 'No I mean, "Whoooouuuuaaa!" as in surprise and alarm.'
Sir Lancelot: 'Oh, you mean like, "AAAHH!"'

Monday, November 2, 2009

Birds and Coconuts

Soldier: 'Who goes there?'
King Arthur: 'It is I, Arthur, son of Uther Pendragon, from the castle of Camelot. King of the Britons, defeater of the Saxons, Sovereign of all England!'
Soldier: 'Pull the other one!'
King Arthur: 'I am, and this is my trusty servant Patsy. We have ridden the length and breadth of the land in search of knights who will join me in my court at Camelot. I must speak with your lord and master.'
Soldier: 'What? Ridden on a horse?'
King Arthur: 'Yes!'
Soldier: 'You're using coconuts!'
King Arthur: 'What?'
Soldier: 'You've got two empty halves of coconut and you're bangin' 'em together.'
King Arthur: 'So? We have ridden since the snows of winter covered this land, through the kingdom of Mercia, through...'
Soldier: 'Where'd you get the coconuts?'
King Arthur: 'We found them.'
Soldier: 'Found them? In Mercia? The coconut's tropical!'
King Arthur: 'What do you mean?'
Soldier: 'Well, this is a temperate zone.'
King Arthur: 'The swallow may fly south with the sun or the house martin or the plover may seek warmer climes in winter, yet these are not strangers to our land?'
Soldier: 'Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?'
King Arthur: 'Not at all. They could be carried.'
Soldier: 'What? A swallow carrying a coconut?'
King Arthur: 'It could grip it by the husk!'
Soldier: 'It's not a question of where he grips it! It's a simple question of weight ratios! A five ounce bird could not carry a one pound coconut.'
King Arthur: 'Well, it doesn't matter. Will you go and tell your master that Arthur from the Court of Camelot is here?'
Soldier: 'Listen. In order to maintain air-speed velocity, a swallow needs to beat its wings forty-three times every second, right?'
King Arthur: 'Please!'
Soldier: 'Am I right?'
King Arthur: 'I'm not interested!'
Second Soldier: 'It could be carried by an African swallow.'
King Arthur: 'Will you ask your master if he wants to join my court at Camelot?'
Soldier: 'Oh yeah, an African swallow, maybe, but not a European swallow. That's my point.'
Second Soldier: 'But then the African swallow's not migratory...'

Quite A List

Minstrel: 'Bravely bold Sir Robin rode forth from Camelot. He was not afraid to die, oh brave Sir Robin. He was not at all afraid to be killed in nasty ways, brave, brave, brave, brave Sir Robin. He was not in the least bit scared to be mashed into a pulp, or to have his eyes gouged out, and his elbows broken. To have his kneecaps split, and his body burned away, and his limbs all hacked and mangled, brave Sir Robin. His head smashed in and heart cut out, and his liver removed, and his bowels unplugged, and his nostrils raped and his bottom burned off and his penis...'
Sir Robin: 'That's, uh, that's enough music for now, lads... looks like there's dirty work afoot.'

Large Fields

Swamp Castle King: 'We live in a bloody swamp. We need all the land we can get.'
Prince Herbert: 'But I don't like her.'
Swamp Castle King: 'Don't like her? What's wrong with her? She's beautiful, she's rich, she's got huge... tracts of land.'

The Virtue of Persistance

Swamp Castle King: 'When I first came here, this was all swamp. Everyone said I was daft to build a castle on a swamp, but I built it all the same, just to show them. It sank into the swamp. So I built a second one. That sank into the swamp. So I built a third. That burned down, fell over, then sank into the swamp. But the fourth one stayed up. And that's what you're going to get, Lad, the strongest castle in all of England.'