Friday, July 31, 2009

A Killing Spree Narrowly Averted

Sandy: 'I want you to kill every gophers on the golf course!'
Carl Spackler: 'Correct me if I'm wrong Sandy, but if I kill all the golfers, they're gonna lock me up and throw away the key.'
Sandy: 'Not golfers, you great fool! Gophers! The little brown furry rodents!
Carl Spackler: 'We can do that; we don't even have to have a reason. All right, let's do the same thing, but with gophers!'

Taking the Measure of Ty

'Thank you very little.' ~ Ty Webb
'You're not, you're not good, Al. You stink.' ~ Ty Webb
'What brings you to this nape of the woods, neck of the wape; How come you're here?' ~ Ty Webb
'Remember Danny - Two wrongs don't make a right but three rights make a left.' ~ Ty Webb
'I'm going to give you a little advice. There's a force in the universe that makes things happen. And all you have to do is get in touch with it, stop thinking, let things happen, and be the ball.' ~ Ty Webb
'Don't be obsessed with your desires Danny. The Zen philosopher Basha once wrote, 'A flute with no holes, is not a flute. A donut with no hole, is a Danish.' He was a funny guy.' ~ Ty Webb
'You don't have to go to college. This isn't Russia. Is this Russia? This isn't Russia.' ~ Ty Webb
'You're rather attractive for a beautiful girl with a great body.' ~ Ty Webb
'Your Uncle molests collies.' ~ Ty Webb
'I was born to love you. I was born to lick your face. I was born to rub you, but you were born to rub me first.' ~ Ty Webb
'See your future Danny. May, may, may, make it. Make your future. Danny, I'm a, I'm a veg.' ~ Ty Webb

Al Deserves a Little Respect

'Last time I saw a mouth like that, it had a hook in it.' ~ Al Czervik
'Hey, doll. Could you scare up another round for our table over here? And tell the cook this is low grade dog food. I've had better food at the ballgame, you know? This steak still has marks from where the jockey was hitting it.' ~ Al Czervik
'Oh, this your wife, huh? A lovely lady. Hey baby, you must've been something before electricity.' ~ Al Czervik
'You're a lot of woman, you know that? You wanna make 14 dollars the hard way?' ~ Al Czervik
'While we're young.' ~ Al Czervik
'He called me a baboon, he thinks I'm his wife.' ~ Al Czervik
'Whoa, did somebody step on a duck?' ~ Al Czervik
'Hey, you scratched my anchor!' ~ Al Czervik
'Hey, that kangaroo just took my ball!' ~ Al Czervik
'I hear this place is restricted, Wang, so don't tell 'em you're Jewish, okay?' ~ Al Czervik
'Oh, this is the worst-looking hat I ever saw. What, when you buy a hat like this I bet you get a free bowl of soup, huh? Oh, it looks good on you though.' ~ Al Czervik
'Hey everybody, we're all gonna get laid.' ~ Al Czervik
'Hey Moose, Rocko, help the Judge find his checkbook.' ~ Al Czervik


Judge Smails: 'You know, you should play with Dr. Beeper and myself. I mean, he's been club champion for three years running and I'm no slouch myself.'
Ty: 'Don't sell yourself short Judge, you're a tremendous slouch.'


Judge Smails: 'Spaulding, get dressed you're playing golf.'
Spalding: 'No I'm not grandpa I'm playing tennis.'
Judge Smails: 'You're playing golf and you're going to like it!'
Spalding: 'What about my asthma?'
Judge Smails: 'I'll give you asthma.'

Here Comes the Judge

'Do you stand for goodness, or - for badness?' ~ Judge Smails
'Don't you people have homes?' ~ Judge Smails
'Spalding get your foot off the boat!' ~ Judge Smails
'Oh Porterhouse, look at the wax build up on these shoes I want that wax stripped off there, then I want them creamed and buffed with a fine chamois, and I want them now. Chop chop.' ~ Judge Smails
'How about a Fresca?' ~ Judge Smails
'I've sentenced boys younger than you to the gas chamber. Didn't want to do it. I felt I owed it to them.' ~ Judge Smails
'Don't you people have jobs?' ~ Judge Smails
'Danny, I'm having a party this weekend. How would you like to come over and mow my lawn?' ~ Judge Smails
'Well, we're waiting!' ~ Judge Smails
'The man's a menace!' ~ Judge Smails
'I think it's time for the ol' Billy Baroo.' ~ Judge Smails
'Are you my pal, Danny?' ~ Judge Smails

The Wisdom of Carl Spackler

'He's on his final hole. He's about 455 yards away, he's gonna hit about a 2 iron I think.'
'Cinderella story. Outta nowhere. A former greenskeeper, now, about to become the Masters champion. It looks like a mirac... It's in the hole! It's in the hole! It's in the hole!'
'This is a hybrid. This is a cross, ah, of Bluegrass, Kentucky Bluegrass, Featherbed Bent, and Northern California Sensemilia. The amazing stuff about this is, that you can play 36 holes on it in the afternoon, take it home and just get stoned to the bejeezus-belt that night on this stuff.'
'Oh Mrs. Crane, you're a little monkey woman. Yeah, you're lean, mean, and I bet you're not too far in between are ya. How'd you like to wrap your spikes around my...'
'This crowd has gone deadly silent, a Cinderella story outta nowhere. Former greenskeeper and now about to become the masters champion.'
'Bark like a dog.'
'I have to laugh, because I've outsmarted even myself. My enemy, my foe, is an animal. In order to conquer the animal, I have to learn to think like an animal. And, whenever possible, to look like one. I've gotta get inside this guy's pelt and crawl around for a few days.'
'Freeze Gopher!'
'I smell varmint poontang. And the only good varmint poontang is dead varmint poontang, I think.'
'In the immortal words of Jean Paul Sartre, 'Au revoir, gopher'.'
'License to kill gophers by the government of the United Nations. Man, free to kill gophers at will. To kill, you must know your enemy, and in this case my enemy is a varmint. And a varmint will never quit - ever. They're like the Viet Cong - Varmint Cong. So you have to fall back on superior intelligence and superior firepower. And that's all she wrote.'
'Who's the gopher's ally. His friends. The harmless squirrel and the friendly rabbit.'
'A looper, you know, a caddy, a looper, a jock. So, I tell them I'm a pro jock, and who do you think they give me? The Dalai Lama, himself. Twelfth son of the Lama. The flowing robes, the grace, bald... striking. So, I'm on the first tee with him. I give him the driver. He hauls off and whacks one - big hitter, the Lama - long, into a ten-thousand foot crevasse, right at the base of this glacier. Do you know what the Lama says? Gunga galunga... gunga, gunga-lagunga. So we finish the eighteenth and he's gonna stiff me. And I say, "Hey, Lama, hey, how about a little something, you know, for the effort, you know." And he says, "Oh, uh, there won't be any money, but when you die, on your deathbed, you will receive total consciousness." So I got that goin' for me, which is nice.'

Caddyshack (1980)

Al Czervik: 'What're we waiting for, these guys? Hey Whitey, where's your hat?'
Judge Smails: 'Do you mind, sir. I'm trying to tee off.'
Al Czervik: 'I'll bet you a hundred bucks you slice it into the woods.'
Judge Smails: 'Gambling is illegal at Bushwood sir, and I never slice.'
Judge Smails: 'Damn.'
Al Czervik: 'OK, you can owe me.'
Judge Smails: 'I owe you nothing.'

Thursday, July 30, 2009

How to Succeed in Business

'You outwork, outthink, outscheme and outmanuever. You make no friends. You trust nobody. And you make damn sure you're the smartest guy in the room whenever the subject of money comes up.'

An Honest Assessment

Brian: 'I'm willing to start at the bottom.'
Interviewer: 'You're aiming too high.'

Know Yourself

Brian: 'Listen, I'm sorry I called you a bitch.'
Eleanor: 'Why? I am a bitch.'

Louis XIII de Rémy Martin

Brian: 'Should we let it breathe?'
Doug: 'It hasn't breathed for fifty years, it's dead. Let's just drink it'

Coughlin's Laws

'Douglas Coughlin, Logical Negativist. Flourished in the last part of the 20th Century. Propounded a set of laws the world generally ignores, to its detriment.'
'Coughlin's Law; Anything else is always something better.'
'Coughlin's law: never tell tales about a woman. No matter how far away she is, she'll always hear you.'
'Coughlin's Law; Bury the dead, they stink up the place.'
'Coughlin's diet: cocktails and dreams.'
'Coughlin's Law: Never show surprise, never lose your cool.'
'I don't care how liberated this world becomes - a man will always be judged by the amount of alcohol he can consume - and a woman will be impressed, whether she likes it or not.'
'However, falling down the stairs is allowed!'
'As for the rest of Coughlin's Laws, ignore them. The guy was always full of shit.'

Overheard at the Bar

'When you see the color of their panties, you know you've got talent. Stick with me son and I'll make you a star.' ~ Doug
'Days get shorter and shorter, nights longer and longer, before you know it, your life is just one long night with a few comatose daylight hours.' ~ Brain
'Workers never hustle, and hustlers never work. You, my friend, are a worker.' ~ Doug
'This place is a proctologist's dream. Wall to wall assholes.' ~ Doug
'Beer is for breakfast young Flannigan, drink or be gone.' ~ Doug
'You bitch! Why didn't you just say a rum and Coke?!' ~ Brian
'Everything ends badly, otherwise, it would never end.' ~ Brian
'The money's gone, the brain is shot. But the liquor, we still got.' ~ Doug

About the Waitresses

Brian: 'You're offering me a job?'
Doug: 'Uh huh.'
Brian: 'The waitresses hate me!'
Doug: 'You wait till you've given them crabs. Then you'll really know hatred.'

Cocktail (1988)

Brian: 'I'm looking for the Manager.'
Doug: 'What's the problem? Did you find a hair in your quiche?'
Brian: 'No, I'm looking for a job.'
Doug: 'Ah, you'd like to put a hair in somebody else's quiche.'

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Give Thanks for What You Have

John: 'I've had an interesting morning. In the last two hours I've lost my job, my apartment, my car, and my girlfriend.'
Russell: 'You still have your health.'

A Study In Leadership

Captain Stillman: 'All right, soldier, let's see how you fire that mortar.'
Soldier: 'What coordinates, sir?'
Captain Stillman: 'Coordinates?'
Soldier: 'Yes, sir, they determine where the mortar's...'
Captain Stillman: 'Soldier, the army has spent a lot of money teaching you to fire that thing. Now set it and fire it.'
Soldier: 'Sir, we don't know where the shell's gonna...'
Captain Stillman: 'Soldier. The only way to learn anything is to do it. Now fire the weapon.'


Sergeant Hulka: 'Soldier, I've noticed that you're always last.'
John: 'I'm pacing myself, Sergeant.'

Night Ops

Russell: 'Where do you think you're going? Are you going AWOL? Are you going AWOL?'
John: 'No, I'm deserting.'
Russell: 'You idiot! You desert now, it's a federal offense!'
John: 'I'll take my chances with the feds!'
Russell: 'You're not going anywhere! You listen to me! You're gonna finish basic training! You're gonna keep your mouth shut, and you're gonna do everything he tells you! You know why?'
John: 'Why?'
Russell: 'Because you talked me into this, you idiot! It was your idea!'
John: 'I didn't talk you into this. You needed this.'
Russell: 'I'm gonna kill you, damn you! Where's the great pay? Where's the travel? Where's the Winnebago, Goddamnit!'

A Learning Experience

Recruiter: 'Now, are either of you homosexuals?'
John: 'You mean, like, flaming, or...?'
Recruiter: 'Well, it's a standard question we have to ask.'
Russell: 'No, we're not homosexual, but we are willing to learn.'
John: 'Yeah, would they send us someplace special?'
Recruiter: 'I guess that's "no" on both. Now if you could just give Uncle Sam your autograph.'

The Camp Bulletin Board

'Oh, it's not the speed really so much, I just wish I hadn't drunk all that cough syrup this morning.' ~ John
'How's it going, Eisenhower?' ~ Dewey
'Tito Puente's gonna be dead, and you're gonna say, "Oh, I've been listening to him for years, and I think he's fabulous."' ~ John
'See, if we were in Germany, I'd have to make your bunk. But we're in Italy, so you have to make mine. It's regulations.' ~ Dewey
'I've always been kind of a pacifist. When I was a kid, my father told me, "Never hit anyone in anger, unless you're absolutely sure you can get away with it." I don't know what kind of soldier I'm gonna make, but I want you guys to know that if we ever get into really heavy combat - I'll be right behind you guys. Every step of the way.' ~ Russell
'And then depression set in.' ~ John
'My philosophy: a hundred-dollar shine on a three-dollar pair of shoes.' ~ John
'When I was younger, I swallowed a lot of aggression - along with a lot of pizzas!' ~ Dewey
'Have you got something in a low rise bikini? Mesh, if possible.' ~ John
'You got a what? - an 8-week course here? Which is PERFECT for me. I'm gonna walk outta here a lean, mean, fightin' machine!' ~ Dewey
'Ma'am, I'm sure there are a lot of ways I've gone that you haven't.' ~ John
'Don't order the Schnitzel, they're using Schnauzer.' ~ John

Psychology of a Psycho

Psycho: 'The name's Francis Soyer, but everybody calls me Psycho. Any of you guys call me Francis, and I'll kill you.'
Leon: 'Ooooooh.'
Psycho: 'You just made the list, buddy. And I don't like nobody touching my stuff. So just keep your meat-hooks off. If I catch any of you guys in my stuff, I'll kill you. Also, I don't like nobody touching me. Now, any of you homos touch me, and I'll kill you.'
Sergeant Hulka: 'Lighten up, Francis.'

Stripes (1981)

Sergeant Hulka: 'Okay, Mr. Push-ups, let's hear your story.'
John: 'Chicks dig me, because I rarely wear underwear and when I do it's usually something unusual. But now I know why I have always lost women to guys like you. I mean, it's not just the uniform. It's the stories that you tell. So much fun and imagination.'
John: 'Lee Harvey, you are a madman. When you stole that cow, and your friend tried to make it with the cow. I want to party with you, cowboy. If the two of us together, forget it. I'm gonna go out on a limb here. I'm gonna volunteer my leadership to this platoon. An army without leaders is like a foot without a big toe. And Sergeant Hulka isn't always gonna be here to be that big toe for us. I think that we owe a big round of applause to our newest, bestest buddy, and big toe - Sergeant Hulka.'
Sergeant Hulka: 'Well, okay, hotshot. We're gonna see what kind of soldier you are.'

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

The Wedding Buzz

'I got to get outta here, pronto. I got a stage five clinger. Stage five, virgin, clinger.' ~ Jeremy
'Grief is nature's most powerful aphrodisiac.' ~ Chazz
'I crashed a funeral today.' ~ John
'I felt like Jodie Foster in "The Accused" last night.' ~ Jeremy
'I'll be in my room, painting. Homo things!' ~ Todd
'She took me below deck for forty-five minutes. I have no bodily fluids left in me.' ~ Jeremy
'I made you a painting. I call it "Celebration." It's sexual and violent. I thought you might like it.' ~ Todd
'Rule No.5: "You're an idiot."' ~ John
'I'd like to be cowboys from Arizona or pimps from Oakland but it's not Halloween. Grow up; Peter Pan, Count Chocula.' ~ John
'Share that with the Dalai Lama, jack ass!' ~ Jeremy
'Oh, come in, sit down, I was-hey, you want something to eat? Hey mom! Can we get some meatloaf?' ~ Chazz
'I'm not perfect, but who are we kidding, neither are you.' ~ Jeremy
'Tattoo on the lower back? Might as well be a bulls-eye.' ~ Jeremy
'Let's play tummy sticks.' ~ Todd
'A friend in need is a pest.' ~ Jeremy

Everybody's Got Problems

Jeremy: 'Wow. Mr. Environmental is also a hunter. That's got to be an interesting combination.'
Sack: 'I hunt quail, Jeremy. They're overpopulated in this region and they're decimating the grubworm population. You got a fucking problem with that?'
Jeremy: 'Not nearly as much as I do with the attire that you have on, or just your general point of view towards everybody. But let's go kill some birds. I'm psyched.'

The Rules

Jeremy: 'How many times you gonna do this shit? Rule #32: You don't commit to a relative unless you're absolutely positive they have a pulse.'
John: 'Rule #16: Give me an up-to-date family tree. That was your mistake. You made me look like an idiot.'
Jeremy: 'Rule #76: No excuses. Play like a champion!'

Say Hello To My Little Friend

Jeremy: 'Oh Jesus Christ, it burns.'
Gloria: 'Poor baby.'
Jeremy: 'It stings.'
Gloria: 'You want me to blow on it?'
Jeremy: 'No! No! I don't need any blowing.'
Gloria: 'Jeremy, I'm not wearin' any panties. Let's rock!'
Jeremy: 'Ok. Ok. That was nice. I don't understand what's going on. It's like, eight hours ago you were a shy little virgin, and now you're not wearing any panties. I'm just trying to catch up with you here.'
Gloria: 'You do that to me? Ooh...'
Gloria: 'Where's my little friend? Where's my little friend?'
Jeremy: 'He's tired! He's tired! He's in time-out! He's in time-out!'

It Was A Gift!

Todd: 'Jeremy tried to seduce me! I want my painting back!'
Jeremy: 'The painting was a gift, Todd. I'm taking it with me.'


Jeremy: 'I didn't get a lot of sleep last night.'
John: 'Soft mattress?'
Jeremy: 'Yeah, it could have been the soft mattress. Or the midnight rape. Or the nude gay art show that took place in my room. One of those probably added to the lack of sleep.'

Wedding Crashers (2005)

John: 'Claire's mom just made me grab her hooters.'
Jeremy: 'Well snap out of it! What, a hot older women made you feel her cans? Stop crying like a little girl.'
John: 'I wasn't crying like a little girl.'
Jeremy: 'Why don't you try getting jacked off under the table in front of the whole damn family and have some real problems, jackass. Hey, what were they like anyway? They looked pretty good, are they real? Are they built for speed or comfort? What'd you do with them? Motorboat? You play the motorboat?'
Jeremy: 'You motorboatin son of a bitch! You old sailor you! Where is she? She still in the house?'
John: 'What's wrong with you?'
Jeremy: 'What do you mean "what's wrong with me?" What's wrong with you?'
John: 'No, what's wrong with you?'
Jeremy: 'No, what's wrong with you? You're projecting!'
John: 'Drop it.'
Jeremy: 'You drop it! You stop projecting on me! Why don't you go enjoy yourself while I go ice my balls and spit up blood.'
John: 'Drop it!'
Jeremy: 'Team player!'

Monday, July 27, 2009

Vincent Antonelli Speaks

'I never touched a gun in my life. That and that alone forever doomed me to middle management.' ~ Vinnie
'Ehh, she's not my type. I like 'em, I dunno, kinda dirty or something.' ~ Vinnie
'I am the worst case scenario of Thomas Jefferson's dream.' ~ Vinnie
'It's not tipping I believe in. It's overtipping.' ~ Vinnie
'You know, sometimes I even amaze myself.' ~ Vinnie
'See, you see a problem. I see potential.' ~ Vinnie
'Are you trying to say capeesh? Well don't do it, it hurts my ears.' ~ Vinnie
'Now when I say I'm with you, I don't mean I understand where you're coming from; I mean, I'm with you.' ~ Vinnie
'5 o'clock Christmas morning, I run downstairs and look under the tree and what do I find? My favorite uncle, Uncle Alfresco, dead on the floor, shot through the back of the head. Plus no bicycle. It was a disappointing Christmas on many levels' ~ Vinnie
'My name is Todd. It's Italian for extra special.' ~ Vinnie
'My mother used to say be careful of women on diets 'cause they're always in a bad mood.' ~ Vinnie
'Don't worry I didn't marry her under my real name.' ~ Vinnie
'It's Louie! Louie Vincinzi from San Francisco! How was she? Man's so fast, he doesn't wear pants, it slows him down. Don't get him mad!' ~ Vinnie

My Blue Heaven (1990)

Hannah: 'The car you stole belongs to the Reverend Malcolm Dickinson, he is the minister of the Presbyterian church here in Fryburg.'
Vinnie: 'Are you sure he's a minister? My best friend makes his living as a completely phony minister. For two dollars, I could make you a minister. Some guys steal your money, but these guys, they steal your heart.'

Sunday, July 26, 2009

The Always Helpful Charles De Mar

Lane: 'Look Charles, I gotta do this. If I don't, I'll be nothing. I'll end up like my neighbor Ricky Smith. He just sits around crocheting all day and snorting nasal spray.'
Charles: 'He snorts nasal spray? Know where I can score some?'
Lane: 'Are you gonna help me or not?'

Even Better Quotes

'Well honk my hooter!' ~ Lane
'And dying when you're not really sick is really sick, you know. Really!' ~ Charles
'Suicide is never the answer little trooper.' ~ Charles
'Fronch dressing. Fronch fries. Fronch bread. And to drink, Peru!' ~ Mrs. Meyer
'You would do well to do as mother says, Lane Meyer.' ~ Ricky
'Hey Badger, your book on how to pick-up trashy women came today. Tell me something what's a little boy like you doing with big boy smut like this.' ~ Mailman
'Jenny, this is fabulous liqueur! Reminds me of the moonshine Ricky's pappy used to make.' ~ Mrs. Smith
'Two brothers. One speaks no English, the other learned English from watching "The Wide World of Sports." Now you tell me which is better: speaking no English at all or speaking Howard Cosell?' ~ Lane
'They're out there dad, they're after me!' ~ Lane
'Truly a sight to behold. A man beaten. The once great champ, now, a study in moppishness. No longer the victory hungry stallion we've raced so many times before, but a pathetic, washed up, aged ex-champion.' ~ Yee Sook Ree

Pure As The Driven Snow

Charles: 'Oh! Ugh! Outrageous! This is pure snow! It's everywhere!'
Charles: 'I think I just froze the left half of my brain!'
Charles: 'Look! I can't move my right arm!'
Lane: 'This isn't funny, Charles! If I don't have a dream, I have nothing!'
Charles: 'Ah, come on! It's Christmas Eve! I could be home right now, drinking this monster eggnog my brother makes with lighter fluid.'

Those Roaming Testicles

Monique: 'He keeps putting his testicles all over me.'
Lane: 'Excuse me?'
Monique: 'You know, like octopus? Testicles?'
Lane: 'Ohhhh. Tentacles. N-T. Big Difference.'

Better Quotes

'This is pure snow! Do you have any idea what the street value of this mountain is?' ~ Charles
'Gee, I'm really sorry your mom blew up, Ricky, guess she won't be able to eat any spicy foods for awhile.' ~ Lane
'You ski the K-12 dude, and girls will go sterile just looking at you!' ~ Charles
'Look Beth, I gotta go. The Christmas tree is on fire!' ~ Lane
'Go that way, really fast. If something gets in your way, turn.' ~ Charles
'She only speaks French, Roy. She doesn't speak imbecile.' ~ Lane
'I've been going to this high school for seven and a half years. I'm no dummy. I know high school girls.' ~ Charles
'Lane, Can I take Beth out?' ~ Mr.Kerber, Mailman, Barney Rubble
'Come on Lane, mellow off. You're really bringing me over, man.' ~ Mr. Myer
'I want my two dollars!' ~ Johnny
'I really think it's in my best interest if I went out with someone more popular.' ~ Beth

Better Off Dead (1985)

Lane: 'Sorry Johnny, I don't have a dime.'
Johnny: 'Didn't ask for a dime. Two dollars.'
Lane: 'My little brother got his arm stuck in the microwave. So my mom had to take him to the hospital. My grandma dropped acid this morning, and she freaked out. She hijacked a busload of penguins. So it's sort of a family crisis. Bye!'

Saturday, July 25, 2009

Drawing The Line

DC: 'Why don't you just call her again?'
Lloyd: 'I draw the line at 7 unreturned phone calls.'

What Are You?

Mike: 'I don't know you very well, you know, but I wanted to ask you, how'd you get Diane Court to go out with you?'
Lloyd: 'I called her up.'
Mike: 'But how come it worked? I mean, like, what are you?'
Lloyd: 'I'm Lloyd Dobler.'
Mike: 'This is great. This gives me hope. Thanks.'

Be A Man

DC: 'Lloyd, why do you have to be like this?'
Lloyd: 'Cause I'm a guy. I have pride.'
Corey: 'You're not a guy.'
Lloyd: 'I am.'
Corey: 'No. The world is full of guys. Be a man. Don't be a guy.'

Random Sayings

'She's gone. She gave me a pen. I gave her my heart, she gave me a pen.' ~ Lloyd
'Dude, I don't even feel that way about my car, man.' ~ Joe
'Kickboxing. Sport of the future.' ~ Lloyd
'You probably got it all figured out, Corey. If you start out depressed everything's kind of a pleasant surprise.' ~ Lloyd
'I am looking for a dare to be great situation.' ~ Lloyd
'Brains stick with brains. The bomb could go off and their mutant genes would form the same cliques.' ~ Corey
'The rain on my car is a baptism, the new me, Ice Man, Power Lloyd, my assault on the world begins now.' ~ LLoyd
'You must chill. You must chill.' ~ Lloyd
'I don't want to sell anything, buy anything, or process anything as a career. I don't want to sell anything bought or processed, or buy anything sold or processed, or process anything sold, bought, or processed, or repair anything sold, bought, or processed. You know, as a career, I don't want to do that.' ~ Lloyd
'Why do you eat that stuff? There's no food in your food.' ~ Constance
'Maybe I didn't really know you. Maybe you were just a mirage. Maybe the world is full of food and sex and spectacle and we're all just hurtling towards an apocalypse, in which case it's not your fault. I'm been thinking about all these things and... you're probably standing there monitoring. And one more thing - about the letter. Nuke it. Flame it. Destroy it. - It hurts me to know it's out there. Later.' ~ Lloyd

Say Anything (1989)

Joe: 'Dude, where'd she dump you, man?'
Lloyd: 'In the car.'
Denny: 'Oh man, your car? Man, Dissed in the Malibu. That's your castle, man.'

Friday, July 24, 2009

Best Of Clark

'This is no longer a vacation. It's a quest, a quest for fun. I'm gonna have fun and your gonna have fun. We're gonna have so much fucking fun they're gonna need plastic surgeons to remove the smiles from our fucking faces. We'll be whistling zippity-doo-dah out of our ass holes' ~ Clark
'Come on, Honey. We can't close our eyes to the plight of the city. Kids, you noticing all this plight?' ~ Clark
'We can't miss the Grand Canyon, it's the biggest god damn hole in the world.' ~ Clark
'I'm not your ordinary everyday fool.' ~ Clark
'That's the Missippi, the mighty missip, the old miss, the old man.' ~ Clark

Car Repair Blues

1st Mechanic: 'Ain't never seen anyone so shit-all stupid as you driving off that road. You musta got manure for your brains.'
Clark: 'Yeah, well, we're from out of town. How much do I owe you?'
2nd Mechanic: 'How much you got?'
Clark: 'No, I'm asking how much the repairs are.'
2nd Mechanic: 'I'm asking how much you got!'
Clark: 'You're out of your mind. Look, I don't have time to fool around so how much is it?'
2nd Mechanic: 'All of it, boy!'
Clark: 'What does the sheriff think of your business practice?'

Meet The Truckster!

Car Salesman: 'I'll get to the bottom of this. Davenport!'
Davenport: 'Yes, Mr. Ed.'
Car Salesman: 'Mr. Griswold ordered a blue sports wagon, where is it?'
Davenport: 'I don't know sir.'
Car Salesman: 'I know what must have happened. It didn't come in.'
Clark: 'Ed, I'm not your average everyday fool. Now I want my blue sports wagon and if you can't get it I'm gonna take my business elsewhere! Where's my old car?'
Car Salesman: 'I'm just as upset as you are, believe me. Davenport! Get Mr. Griswald's car back and bring it back here! Now I can get you the wagon, there's not problem there. The problem is that it might take six weeks. Now, I owe it to myself to tell you that if you are thinking of taking the tribe cross country, this is your automobile. The Wagon Queen Family Truckster. You think you hate it now, wait 'til you drive it.'
Clark: 'I don't want to drive it. I just want my old car back. I'm not falling for this. Let's go, Russ.'


Ellen: 'Gee Cath looks like you really got your hands full.'
Catherine: 'Oh, it's not so bad. Eddie says after the baby comes, I can quit one of my night jobs.'

Skip the House of Mud?

Ellen: 'Clark, let's just skip the house of mud. I think Dodge City was enough fun for one day. Besides, Catherine and Eddie are expecting us.'
Clark: 'It's living history Ellen. But if you'd rather see your cousins. Personally I'd rather see a pile of mud than Eddie.'

The Frugal Gourmet

Eddie: 'I don't know why they call this stuff hamburger helper. It does just fine by itself, huh? I like it better than tuna helper myself, don't you, Clark?'
Clark: 'You're the gourmet around here, Eddie.'

Back Seat Conversation?

'Is this your idea of a good restaurant? Dog killer!' ~ Aunt Edna
'O God, ease our suffering in this, our moment of great dispair. Yea, admit this kind and decent woman into thy arms of thine heavenly area, up there. And Moab, he lay us upon the band of the Canaanites, and yea, though the Hindus speak of karma, I implore you: give her a break.' ~ Clark
'Do you ever "bop your baloney"?' ~ Cousin Dale
'Russ, please don't eat the Truckster.' ~ Clark
'I don't give a frog's fat ass who went through what. We need money! Hey, Russ, wanna look through Aunt Edna's purse?' ~ Clark
'I got laid off when they closed that asbestos factory, and wouldn't you know it, the army cuts my disability pension because they said that the plate in my head wasn't big enough.' ~ Eddie
'Hey, hey, easy kids. Everybody in the car. Boat leaves in two minutes. Or perhaps you don't want to see the second largest ball of twine on the face of the earth, which is only four short hours away?' ~ Clark
'I'm making out a check for $1000, all you have to do is give me $300 in cash and keep the $700, all for doing nothing more than acting like a total creep.' ~ Clark
'She breathed on me! A dead person breathed on me!' ~ Audrey
'Roll 'em up!' ~ Clark

National Lampoon's Vacation (1983)

Clark: 'Ed, this is not the car I ordered. I distinctly ordered the Antarctic Blue Super Sports Wagon with C.B. and optional rally fun pack.'
Car salesman: 'You didn't order the Metallic Pea?'

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Lots Of Danger Today

'I know what you can't say. You wanna get laid. You wanna hump your brains out. Vavoom, vavoom, vavoom!' ~ Ma Kelly
'I am handicapped: I'm psychotic.' ~ Danny Vermin
'This goes through armor. And through the victim, through the wall, through a tree outside.' ~ Danny Vermin
'The years hadn't softened Moroni. He continued to murder the English Language, and anyone who got in his way. ' ~ Johnny
'This place is too fargin small. We need to knock down that fargin wall, knock down that fargin wall, and knock down that fargin wall.' ~ Roman Moroni
'This is fargin war!' ~ Roman Moroni
'I love em', but one day I'm gonna knock em' on his ass.' ~ Ma Kelly
'You shouldn't have shot me, Johnny. My grandmother shot me once.' ~ Danny Vermin
'I enjoy collecting protection money, putting whores to work, loan-sharking. I enjoy planting bombs in people's cars. These are a few of my favorite things.' ~ Danny Vermin
'that Roman Troy Maroni was responsible for: the Mother's Day Massacre, The Christmas Day Slaughter, The Lincoln's Birthday Mutilations, and The Groundhog's Day Beheadings!' ~ Tommy Kelly

Those Words Are Dangerous

'Dames are put on this earth to weaken us, drain our energy, laugh at us when they see us naked.' ~ Danny Vermin
'You shouldn't grab me, Johnny. My mother grabbed me once. Once!' ~ Danny Vermin
'Hey Pope, why don't you go build yourself a new gym at the Vatican.' ~ Johnny
'Bless the saints, it's an ashtray! I've been thinking of taking up smoking. This clinches it!' ~ Ma Kelly
'I would like to direct this to the distinguished members of the panel: You lousy cork-soakers. You have violated my farging rights. Dis somanumbatching country was founded so that the liberties of common patriotic citizens like me could not be taken away by a bunch of fargin iceholes, like yourselves.' ~ Roman Moroni
'You shouldn't kick me in the balls, Mrs. Kelly. My sister kicked me in the balls once.' ~ Danny Vermin
'With a father like "Killer" Kelly, it's a wonder neither of you turned out to be a piece 'o shit criminal!' ~ Ma Kelly
'You shouldn't hang me on a hook, Johnny. My father hung me on a hook once. Once!' ~ Danny Vermin
'You fargin sneaky bastage. I'm gonna take your dwork. I'm gonna nail it to the wall. I'm gonna crush your boils in a meat grinder. I'm gonna cut off your arms. I'm gonna shove 'em up your icehole. Dirty somanubatches. My own club!' ~ Roman Moroni
'I've been fulfilling a lot of people's prophecies about me; I've become a real scumbag.' ~ Danny Vermin

Johnny Dangerously (1984)

Danny Vermin: 'I got something to stop him.'
Dutch: 'They made it for him special. It's an eighty-eight Magnum.'
Danny Vermin: 'It shoots through schools.'

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Andy the Drunk

Andy: 'You know the thing about relationships is that they make one person go, "Blah blah blah blah blah," and the other person go, "What are you talking about?" And then one person goes, "Blah blah blah blah blah."'
Cal: 'How much have you had to drink, man?'
Andy: 'Oh, how much have I had to drink? Hey, how many pots have you smoken?'
Cal: 'What are you talking about?'
Andy: 'Oh, how many times have you gone to the bathroom in your life? Let me ask you that. You know what, you don't have an answer for that, do you? Who the fuck you, man? I'm sorry. No, no, no, no, you're such a good guy, and I appreciate you.'

Taking Off The Sweater

Waxing Lady: 'So this is your first time getting body wax?'
Andy: 'Yes. Yes, it is.'
Waxing Lady: 'Take off your shirt.'
Andy: 'Ok.'
Waxing Lady: 'Oh, we gonna need more wax!'
Cal: 'I'm staying. This is gonna be good.'
Waxing Lady: 'And clear all my appointments in the afternoon!'

Words To Live By

'I hope you have a big trunk, because I'm puttin' my bike in it.' ~ Andy
'You're putting the pussy on a pedestal.' ~ Jay
'I love your sweater. Does that come in a V-neck?' ~ David
'If she starts waxing his pubes, I'm outta here.' ~ Cal
'"Gandhi" baked is good. I always feel bad when I watch it baked because I get really hungry and I'm eating a lot and poor Gandhi is starving his ass off.' ~ Cal
'He sold his old toys for over half a million dollars! We gotta get some fucking toys!' ~ Jay
'Tell me something, when your child is born, is he already on parole?' ~ Mooj
'You should keep your ho on a leash.' ~ Andy
'So, tell me, Montel. Why weren't we invited to the party? What are we, Al Qaeda?' ~ Haziz
'Dude, it's not a big deal that you like to fuck guys. I'm cool, I got friends who fuck guys, in jail.' ~ Jay
'Where do you put the penis?' ~ Andy
'Dude, you look like a man-o-lantern.' ~ David
'She had hands as big as Andre the Giant's, and she had an Adam's apple as big as her balls.' ~ Andy
'There were two sides to that billboard, and they both hurt equally.' ~ Andy
'You know what's a fun game? Take 3 Excedrin PM's and see if you can whack off before you fall asleep. You always win, that's the best part about the game.' ~ Cal

The 40 Year Old Virgin (2005)

Cal: 'You're gay, now?'
David: 'No, I'm not gay. I'm just celibate.'
Cal: 'I think, I mean, that sounds gay. I just want you to know this is, like, the first conversation of, like, three conversations that leads to you being gay. Like, there's this and then in a year it's like, "Oh, you know, I'm kinda gonna want to get back out there, but I think I like guys," and then there's the big, "Oh, I'm, I'm, I'm a gay guy now."'
David: 'You're gay for saying that.'
Cal: 'I'm gay for saying that?'
David: 'You know how I know you're gay?'
Cal: 'How? How do you know I'm gay?'
David: 'Because you macramed yourself a pair of jean shorts.'
Cal: 'You know how I know you're gay? You just told me you're not sleeping with women any more.'
David: 'You know how I know you're gay?'
Cal: 'How? Cause you're gay? And you can tell who other gay people are?'
David: 'You know how I know you're gay?'
Cal: 'How?'
David: 'You like Coldplay.'

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

A Butchers' Ass?

Tommy: 'Hey, I'll tell you what. You can get a good look at a butcher's ass by sticking your head up there. But, wouldn't you rather to take his word for it?'
Customer: 'What? I'm failing to make the connection here.'
Tommy: 'No, I mean is, you can get a good look at a T-bone by sticking your head up a butcher's ass. No, wait. It's gotta be your bull.'
Richard: 'Wow.'

Fat Guy, Little Coat

Tommy: 'Richard? Is this your coat?'
Richard: 'Don't do it.'
Tommy: 'Fat guy in a little coat. Fat guy in a little coat.'
Richard: 'Don't.'
Tommy: 'Fat guy in a little coat. Fat guy in a little coat.'
Richard: 'Take it off, Dickhead, I'm serious!'
Tommy: 'Richard! What's happening? Uh oh!'t

Best One Liners

'Did you eat a lot of paint chips when you were a kid?' ~ Paul
'I can get a good look at a T-bone by sticking my head up a bull's ass, but I'd rather take a butcher's word for it.' ~ Tommy
'You better pray to the god of skinny punks that this wind doesn't pick up, cos I'll come over there, and jam an oar up your ass.' ~ Tommy
'Ugh, I can actually hear you getting fatter.' ~ Richard
'My fellow nerds and I will retire to the nerdery with our calculators.' ~ Richard
'Tommy Likey! Tommy want wing-ey!' ~ Tommy
'No offense, but if I showed a picture of your mom to some of my buddies at school, she'd definitely be "Boner of the Month".' ~ Tommy
'These shoes are Italian. They're worth more than your life.' ~ Paul
'Brothers don't shake hands. Brothers gotta hug.' ~ Tommy
'Ok, folks, the guy in front of you is Tommy, he's gonna be taking you through my little spiel here. Tommy is a Scorpio, he likes biking and he's never been laid.' ~ Richard
'Okay, and life preservers, these we may need. Although what are the odds of us actually hitting a lake? My money says if anything, it's gonna be a mountain.' ~ Richard
'Oww, that's gonna leave a mark!' ~ Tommy
'Holy Schnike!' ~ Tommy
'And what about seat belts? To fasten, take the little end and stick it in the big end and, you know what? If you guys don't know how to use a seat belt, just ring your call button and Tommy will come back there and hit you on the head with a tack hammer because you're a retard.' ~ Richard
'It's called reading! Top to bottom, left to right, a group of words together is called a sentence. Take Tylenol for any headaches; Midol for any cramps.' ~ Richard

Going Over Some 'Documents'

Tommy: 'Richard, what were you doing?'
Richard: 'Um, going over some documents.'
Tommy: 'Well, where are they? Geez, I don't see them!'
Richard: They're in my briefcase.'
Tommy: 'How can you be reading documents, when they're in you're briefcase? Hmm, that's a mystery!'
Richard: 'Ok then, let's hit it.'
Tommy: 'Richard! Were you watching, "Spank-tra-vision?" Maybe you were watching a movie with that funny comedian! Oh, whats his name? Buddy Whackett?'
Richard: 'Ok, let's get some shut-eye.'
Tommy: 'Say! That's a pretty girl down there!'
Richard: 'Good for her.'
Tommy: 'Gee, I wonder if she goes out with one of the Yankees!'
Richard: 'Couldn't tell ya.'
Tommy: 'Big day tomorrow. Hope we can keep this momentum goin'.'
Richard: 'Yup. That'd be good.'
Tommy: 'Richard, who's you're favorite little rascal? Alfalfa? Or is it Spanky?'
Tommy: 'Sinner.'

Tommy Boy (1995)

Tommy: 'Look at 'em there, pretty maids all in a row. I want the one on the left; she's perfect. Which one d'you want? Huh, huh, huh? Alright.'
Paul: 'Does it make a difference?'
Tommy: 'Oh yeah. Wait a second. Is this your first time?'
Paul: 'Yeah Tommy, it is.'
Tommy: 'God, you're gonna remember this the rest of your life. Can't believe you've never been cow tipping before. Get ready to live. Huh, huh, huh, shhhhh. She's sleepin'. What you do is, you put your shoulder into her and you push.'
Paul: 'And?'
Tommy: 'They fall over, hee, hee, hee.'
Paul: 'And this doesn't strike you as kinda' dumb?'
Tommy: 'We're family, we're gonna be doing lots of dumb stuff together. Wait 'til Christmas.'

Monday, July 20, 2009

The Discovery of San Diego

Ron Burgundy: 'Discovered by the Germans in 1904, they named it San Diego, which of course in German means a whale's vagina.'
Veronica Corningstone: 'No, there's no way that's correct.'
Ron Burgundy: 'I'm sorry, I was trying to impress you. I don't know what it means. I'll be honest, I don't think anyone knows what it means anymore. Scholars maintain that the translation was lost hundreds of years ago.'
Veronica Corningstone: 'Doesn't it mean Saint Diego?'
Ron Burgundy: 'No. No.'
Veronica Corningstone: 'No, that's what it means. Really.'
Ron Burgundy: 'Agree to disagree.'

The Anchorman Collection

'I'll have three fingers of Glenlivet, with a little bit of pepper, and some cheese.' ~ Ron Burgundy
'I love scotch. Scotchy, scotch, scotch. Here it goes down, down into my belly.' ~ Ron Burgundy
'Put down the gun, and let the marching band go. We'll play it off as a prank.' ~ Ed Harken
'Apparently, my son was on something called "Acid," and was shooting a bow and arrow into a crowd.' ~ Ed Harken
'People call me the Bry man; I'm the stylish one of the group. I know what you're asking yourself and the answer is yes. I have a nick name for my penis. Its called the Octagon, but I also nick named my testes - my left one is James Westfall and my right one is Doctor Kenneth Noisewater. You ladies play your cards right you just might get to meet the whole gang.' ~ Brian Fantana
'Mmmmm. I look good. I mean really good. Hey everyone come see how good I look.' ~ Ron Burgundy
'I'm Brick Tamland. People seem to like me because I am polite and I am rarely late. I like to eat ice cream and I really enjoy a nice pair of slacks. Years later, a doctor will tell me that I have an I.Q. of 48 and am what some people call mentally retarded.' ~ Brick Tamland
'Sweet Lincoln's mullet.' ~ Ron Burgundy
'You're so wise. You're like a miniature Buddha, covered in hair.' ~ Ron Burgundy
'There was a time, a time before cable. When the local anchorman reigned supreme. When people believed everything they heard on TV. This was an age when only men were allowed to read the news. And in San Diego, one anchorman was more man then the rest. His name was Ron Burgundy. He was like a god walking amongst mere mortals. He had a voice that could make a wolverine purr and suits so fine they made Sinatra look like a hobo. In other words, Ron Burgundy was the balls.' ~ Bill Lawson

Battle of the Sexes

Veronica Corningstone: 'Excuse me.'
Ron Burgundy: 'What are you doing?'
Veronica Corningstone: 'I need this machine so I can watch a tape for a story.'
Ron Burgundy: 'I'm using the tape. I'm showing Jeffrey my Emmy tape. We are watching history.'
Veronica Corningstone: 'Mr. Burgundy, I'm a professional, and I would like to be able to do my job.'
Ron Burgundy: 'Big deal. I am very professional.'
Veronica Corningstone: 'Mr. Burgundy, you are acting like a baby.'
Ron Burgundy: 'I'm not a baby, I am a man. I am an anchorman.'
Veronica Corningstone: 'You are not a man. You are a big fat joke.'
Ron Burgundy: 'I'm a man who discovered the wheel and built the Eiffel Tower out of metal and brawn. That's what kind of man I am. You're just a woman with a small brain. With a brain a third the size of us. It's science.'
Veronica Corningstone: 'I will have you know that I have more talent and more intelligence in my little finger than you do in your entire body, sir.'
Ron Burgundy: 'You are a smelly pirate hooker.'
Veronica Corningstone: 'You look like a blueberry.'
Ron Burgundy: 'Why don't you go back to your home on Whore Island?'
Veronica Corningstone: 'Well, you have bad hair.'
Ron Burgundy: 'What did you say?'
Veronica Corningstone: 'I said, your hair looks stupid.'

Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy (2004)

Ron Burgundy: 'I don't know how to put this, but I'm kind of a big deal.'
Veronica Corningstone: 'Really.'
Ron Burgundy: 'People know me.'
Veronica Corningstone: 'Well, I'm very happy for you.'
Ron Burgundy: 'I'm very important. I have many leather-bound books and my apartment smells of rich mahogany.'

Sunday, July 19, 2009

Girls Like a Challenge

Gib: 'You told her I was a virgin?'
Lance: 'So I exaggerated a little. Girls like virgins. They find them a challenge.'
Gib: 'She thought I was gay!'
Lance: 'It's a bigger challenge.'

Randomly Sure

'Three thousand miles just to get laid. I really respect that.' ~ Frat Guy
'Sorry I'm late. There was this big problem and I'm late because of it.' ~ Gib
'Spontaneity has its time and place.' ~ Alison
'You know, I've never met anyone like you before. Usually when I meet someone new I feel awkward and shy. But with you it's different. I can talk to you. You know what I'm thinking without my having to explain to you in fancy terms. We speak each others unspoken language fluently. I love you.' ~ Gib
'Hi, I'm Gary Cooper, but not the Gary Cooper that's dead.' ~ Gary Cooper
'Gib, you want a relationship? That's fine. Just remember that every relationship starts with a one night stand. You came 3,000 miles for a reason didn't you? Would you look at that reason. Go for it Gib, you've earned it.' ~ Lance
'I was in Paris once with my wife; boy am I glad she's dead.' ~ Cowboy Guy
'You know, junk food doesn't deserve the bad rap that it gets. Take these pork rinds for example. This particular brand contains two percent of the R.D.A., that's Recommended Daily Allowance, of riboflavin.' ~ Gib
'I hope you appreciate the magnitude of your impending good fortune.' ~ Trucker
'What the hell's wrong with being stupid once in awhile? Does everything you do always have to be sensible? Haven't you ever thrown water balloons off a roof? When you were a little kid didn't you ever sprinkle Ivory flakes on the living room floor cause you wanted to make it snow in July? Didn't you ever get really shitfaced and maybe make a complete fool of yourself and still have an excellent time?' ~ Gib

Sleeping Arrangements

Alison: 'What are you doing?'
Gib: 'I'm going to bed.'
Alison: 'Not with me you're not.'
Gib: 'I'm not going to bed with you, I'm going to bed in a bed you happen to be in also.'

Consider Outer Space...

Gib: 'Consider outer space. You know, from the time of the first NASA mission, it was clear that outer space has a clear effect on the human psyche. Why, during the first Gemini mission, thought was actually given to sending up a man and a woman together.'
Julie: 'Really?'
Gib: 'A cosmic Adam and Eve, if you will. Bound together by fate, situated on the most powerful rocket yet known to man. It's giant thrusters blasting them into the dark void, as they hurtle towards their final destination: the gushing wellspring of life itself.'
Gib: 'How would you like to have a sexual encounter so intense it could conceivably change your political views?'

The Sure Thing (1985)

Fat Guy: 'What's wrong with me? I'm a good-looking guy.'
Gib: 'You are. You are a good-looking guy. And I'm a good-looking guy.'
Fat Guy: 'You are.'
Gib: 'I am.'
Cowboy Guy: 'We're all three good-looking guys.'
Gib: 'That's right. We are. And it's Christmas time, and I'm gonna buy you a drink.'
Fat Guy: 'Something light.'
Gib: 'What, like a nice Chablis?'
Fat Guy: 'No, Spritzer.'
Gib: 'Spritzer?'
Fat Guy: 'Yeah.'
Gib: 'Barkeep! Get this man a trough of Spritzer. And you, Cowboy Guy, what do you wanna drink?'
Cowboy Guy: 'I'll have a beer.'
Gib: 'Get Cowboy Guy a beer.'

Saturday, July 18, 2009

Father Knows Best?

Mr. Newberry: 'Did I have you figured wrong?'
Martin Blank: 'I don't know - I mean, I hope so.'
Mr. Newberry: 'I visualised you in a haze as one of those slackster, flannel-wearing, coffee-house misanthropes I've been seeing in Newsweek.'
Martin Blank: 'No no no, I went the other road. Six figures, doing business with leadpipe cruelty, mercenary sensibility. You know - sports, sex, no real relationships with anyone. How about you, how have the years been treating you?'
Mr. Newberry: 'Well, you know me, Martin. Still the same old sell-out, exploiting the oppressed.'
Martin Blank: 'Sure.'
Mr. Newberry: '"Ah, what a piece of work is man, how noble..." ah, fuck it. Let's have a drink and forget the whole damn thing.'

Martin on the Couch

Alan Arkin was amazing as Dr. Oatman:

Martin Blank: 'Don't you think that maybe you're just upset because I told you what I do for a living, and you got upset and you're letting it interfere with our dynamic?'
Dr. Oatman: 'Whoa, Martin. You didn't tell me what you did for a living.'
Martin Blank: 'Yes, I did!'
Dr. Oatman: 'You didn't tell me what you did for a living for four sessions. Then you told me. And I said, "I don't want to work with you any more." And yet, you come back each week at the same time. That's a difficulty for me. On top of that, if you've committed a crime or you're thinking about committing a crime, I have to tell the authorities.'
Martin Blank: 'I know the law, okay? But I don't want to be withholding, I'm very serious about this process.'
Martin Blank: 'And I know where you live.'
Dr. Oatman: 'Oh, now see? That wasn't a nice thing to say; that wasn't designed to make me feel good. That's a, kind of a, not too subtle intimidation, and I, uh, get filled with anxiety when you talk about something like that.'
Martin Blank: 'Come on, come on. I was just kidding, all right? The thought never crossed my mind.'
Dr. Oatman: 'You did think of it, Martin! You thought it, and then you said it. And now, I'm left with the aftermath of that, thinking I gotta be creative in a really interesting way or Martin's gonna blow my brains out! You're holding me hostage. That's not right.'


Debi: 'You're a psychopath.'
Martin Blank: 'No, no. Psychopaths kill for no reason. I kill for money. It's a job. That didn't come out right.'

Quotes For Pointers

'Some people say forgive and forget. Nah, I don't know. I say forget about forgiving and just accept. And get the hell out of town.' ~ Debi
'A thousand innocent people get killed every day! But a millionaire's pet gets detonated, and you're marked for life.' ~ Martin Blank
'You look good, you look Tony Robbins good.' ~ Paul
'If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, it's, well, broken.' ~ Debi
'Everybody's coming back to take stock of their lives. You know what I say? Leave your livestock alone.' ~ Debi
'Don't tease me, you know what I do for a living.' ~ Martin Blank
'Dr. Oatman, please pick up, pick up! It's Martin Blank! I, I'm standing where my, uh, living room was and it's not here because my house is gone and it's an Ultimart! You can never go home again, Oatman, but I guess you can shop there.' ~ Martin Blank
'If I show up at your door, chances are you did something to bring me there.' ~ Martin Blank
'Oh, the reason I called. Could you find out who else is in town? I've made two spooks and a ghoul already, so if they've double-booked the job, and/or they're going to kill me, I'd like to know. If you could find that out, that'd be great.' ~ Martin Blank
'They all have husbands and wives and children and houses and dogs, and, you know, they've all made themselves a part of something and they can talk about what they do. What am I gonna say? "I killed the president of Paraguay with a fork. How've you been?" ' ~ Martin Blank

Grosse Pointe Blank (1997)

Martin Blank: 'You must've done some naughty shit there, Bart. There's a contract out on your life. Believe me. I was hired to kill you, but I'm not going to do it. It's either because I'm in love with your daughter or because I have a newfound respect for life.'
Mr. Grocer: 'That punk is either in love with that guy's daughter or he has a newfound respect for life.'
Mr. Newberry: 'My whole life!'
Martin Blank: 'Hopefully not.'

Friday, July 17, 2009


Mitch: 'At this point, you may be asking yourself, why am I holding this 30 pound cinder block in my hands? You might also ask yourself, why does this cinder block have a long piece of string tied to it? And finally, why is the other end of this string tied securely to your penis?'
Beanie: 'And the answer trust.'

Natural Causes?!?

Nicole: 'I heard one of your pledges died. Is that true?'
Mitch: 'Well, yes, but Blue was really old. And I feel pretty confident when we get the autopsy back it'll say natural causes.'

Sage Advice From a Cab Driver

Mitch: 'Sorry, your seatbelt seems to be broken. What do you recommend I do?'
Cab Driver: 'I recommend you stop being such a faggot. You're in the backseat.'

Random Old School

'You think I like avoiding my wife and kids to hangout with nineteen year old girls everyday?' ~ Beanie
'All we are is dust in the wind...' ~ Frank
'Don't beat yourself up over this, Mitch. It's not your fault. Dammit, Blue was old. That's what old people do. They die.' ~ Beanie
'In this corner, weighing in at 110 pounds and pushing 89 years of age and the recent recipient of a brand new plastic hip, Joseph "Blue" Polaski' ~ Frank
'You're my boy, Blue! You're my boy!' ~ Frank
'Well why don't you give me your number in case anything happens to my wife.' ~ Beanie
'Max, can you earmuff for me? We are going to get so much ass here, it's going to be sick. I'm talking like crazy boy band ass.' ~ Beanie
'Well, see. Blue's dead. Frank's divorced. I lost my house. Nicole thinks I'm a total jackass. And now we got nine kids who are gonna get expelled from school, and you're not even gonna help them?' ~ Mitch

Blue Prepares To Wrestle

Frank: 'Are you sure you're ok with this, Blue?'
Blue: 'Just ring the fucking bell, you pansy.'

Beanie's Wedding Day Pep Talk

Frank: 'Hey, I just want to thank you one last time for being here. It's the best day ever.'
Beanie: 'Don't even start with me, Franklin, okay? You need to walk away from this ASAP.'
Frank: 'What?'
Beanie: 'You need to get out, Frankie. This is it. It's now or never. You need to get out of here while you're still single.'
Frank: 'I'm not single.'
Beanie: 'She's 30 yards away, you're single now.'
Frank: 'Come on, Marissa's the best thing that's ever happened to me.'
Beanie: 'Why don't you give that six months. You don't think that'll change? I got a wife, kids. Do I seem like a happy guy to you, Frankie?'
Beanie: 'There's my wife. See that? Always smiling? Hi, honey. Judging, watching, "Look at the baby."'
Mitch Martin: 'She's coming down the aisle, Beanie. Let it go.'

We're Going Streaking!

The instant classic:

Marissa: 'Frank, what are you doing?'
Frank: 'We're going streaking! We're going up the quad and to the gymnasium.'
Marissa: 'Who is?'
Frank: 'There's more coming.'
Marissa: 'Frank, get in the car.'
Frank: 'But everybody's doing it.'
Marissa: 'Frank! Now!'
Frank: 'Ok.'

Old School (2003)

'True love is hard to find, sometimes you think you have true love and then you catch the early flight home from San Diego and a couple of nude people jump out of your bathroom blindfolded like a god damn magic show ready to double team your girlfriend.' ~ Mitch

Thursday, July 16, 2009

Random Tap

'As long as there's, you know, sex and drugs, I can do without the rock and roll.' ~ Mick Shrimpton
'In ancient times, hundreds of years before the dawn of history, an ancient race of people... the Druids. No one knows who they were or what they were doing...' ~ Nigel Tufnel
'Here lies David St. Hubbins... and why not?' ~ David St. Hubbins
'Certainly, in the topsy-turvy world of heavy rock, having a good solid piece of wood in your hand is often useful.' ~ Ian Faith
'It was more of a stain than a globule, actually.' ~ Nigel Tufnel
'We are Spinal Tap from the UK - you must be the USA!' ~ David St. Hubbins
'I believe virtually everything I read, and I think that is what makes me more of a selective human than someone who doesn't believe anything.' ~ David St. Hubbins
'Have...a good time...all the time.' ~ Viv Savage
'I'm tired of sticking up for his intelligence.' ~ David St. Hubbins


Had to put up the whole eleven exchange:

Nigel Tufnel: 'The numbers all go to eleven. Look, right across the board, eleven, eleven, eleven and...'
DiBergi: 'Oh, I see. And most amps go up to ten?'
Nigel Tufnel: 'Exactly.'
DiBergi: 'Does that mean it's louder? Is it any louder?'
Nigel Tufnel: 'Well, it's one louder, isn't it? It's not ten. You see, most blokes, you know, will be playing at ten. You're on ten here, all the way up, all the way up, all the way up, you're on ten on your guitar. Where can you go from there? Where?'
DiBergi: 'I don't know.'
Nigel Tufnel: 'Nowhere. Exactly. What we do is, if we need that extra push over the cliff, you know what we do?'
DiBergi: 'Put it up to eleven.'
Nigel Tufnel: 'Eleven. Exactly. One louder.'
DiBergi: 'Why don't you just make ten louder and make ten be the top number and make that a little louder?'
Nigel Tufnel: 'These go to eleven.'

Spinal Tap Album Reviews

'This pretentious ponderous collection of religious rock psalms is enough to prompt the question, "What day did the Lord create Spinal Tap, and couldn't he have rested on that day too?"'

'This tasteless cover is a good indication of the lack of musical invention within. The musical growth of this band cannot even be charted. They are treading water in a sea of retarded sexuality and bad poetry.'

'The review for "Shark Sandwich" was merely a two word review which simply read "Shit Sandwich".'

Kick My Ass

Artie Fufkin: 'You know what I want you to do? Will you do something for me?'
David St. Hubbins: 'What?'
Artie Fufkin: 'Do me a favor. Just kick my ass, okay? Kick this ass for a man, that's all. Kick my ass. Enjoy. Come on. I'm not asking, I'm telling with this. Kick my ass.'

Playing Rock and Roll

DiBergi: 'Do you feel that playing rock 'n' roll music keeps you a child? That is, keeps you in a state of arrested development?'
Derek Smalls: 'No. No. No. I feel it's like, it's more like going, going to a, a national park or something. And there's, you know, they preserve the moose. And that's, that's my childhood up there on stage. That moose, you know.'
DiBergi: 'So when you're playing you feel like a preserved moose on stage?'
Derek Smalls: 'Yeah.'

18 Inches

Ian Faith: 'Nigel gave me a drawing that said 18 inches. Now, whether or not he knows the difference between feet and inches is not my problem. I do what I'm told.'
David St. Hubbins: 'But you're not as confused as him are you. I mean, it's not your job to be as confused as Nigel.'


David St. Hubbins: 'I do not, for one, think that the problem was that the band was down. I think that the problem may have been, that there was a Stonehenge monument on the stage that was in danger of being crushed by a dwarf. Alright? That tended to understate the hugeness of the object.'
Ian Faith: 'I really think you're just making much too big a thing out of it.'
Derek Smalls: 'Making a big thing out of it would have been a good idea.'

More Spinal Tap

As I mentioned yesterday, I kinda thought quoting Spinal Tap might take two or three days:

DiBergi: 'It's very pretty.'
Tufnel: 'Yeah, I've been fooling around with it for a few months.'
DiBergi: 'It's a bit of a departure from what you normally play.'
Tufnel: 'It's part of a trilogy, a musical trilogy I'm working on in D minor which is the saddest of all keys, I find. People weep instantly when they hear it, and I don't know why.'
DiBergi: 'It's very nice.'
Tufnel: 'You know, just simple lines intertwining, you know, very much like - I'm really influenced by Mozart and Bach, and it's sort of in between those, really. It's like a Mach piece, really. It's sort of...'
DiBergi: 'What do you call this?'
Tufnel: 'Well, this piece is called "Lick My Love Pump".'

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Spinal Tap

Today's quotes are from 'This Is Spinal Tap' (this might take two days):

'You can't really dust for vomit.' ~ Nigel Tufnel
'It's such a fine line between stupid, and clever.' ~ David St. Hubbins
'Well, I'm sure I'd feel much worse if I weren't under such heavy sedation.' ~ David St. Hubbins
'You know, several, you know, dozens of people spontaneously combust each year. It's just not really widely reported.' ~ David St. Hubbins
'It's like, how much more black could this be? And the answer is none. None more black.' ~ Nigel Tufnel
'These go to eleven.' ~ Nigel Tufnel
'He died in a bizarre gardening accident' ~ David St. Hubbins
'We've got Armadillos in our trousers. It's really quite frightening.' ~ Nigel Tufnel
'He was the patron saint of quality footwear.' ~ David St. Hubbins

Okay. Maybe three days.

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Army of Darkness Taglines

'Trapped in time. Surrounded by evil. Low on gas'
'1 Man, 1 Million dead, The odds are just about even.'
'Sound the trumpets, Raise the drawbridge, and drop the Oldsmobile'
'In an age of darkness. At a time of evil. When the world needed a hero. What it got was him.'

The Protector of S-Mart

Ash: 'Lady, I'm afraid I'm gonna have to ask you to leave the store.'
Demon Woman: 'Who the hell are you?!'
Ash: 'Name's Ash...housewares.'

Whatever Possessed Sheila?

Sheila: 'You found me beautiful once...'
Ash: 'Honey, you got reeeal ugly!'

Ash Tells It Like It Is

'Good. Bad. I'm the guy with the gun' ~ Ash

Ash To Sheila Trying To Apologize

'First you wanna kill me, now you wanna kiss me. Blow.' ~ Ash

Ash To Duke Henry

'Well hello Mister Fancypants. Well, I've got news for you pal, you ain't leadin' but two things, right now: Jack and shit... and Jack left town.'

More Army of Darkness

A line that only Bruce Campbell can pull off:

'Gimme some sugar, baby.' ~ Ash

Army Of Darkness Day Continues...

My favorite quote from the movie:

"See this? *This* is my *boom stick*! The 12-gauge double-barreled Remington. S-Mart's top of the line. You can find this in the sporting goods department. That's right, this sweet baby was made in Grand Rapids, Michigan. Retails for about $109.95. It's got a walnut stock, cobalt blue steel, and a hair trigger. That's right. Shop smart. Shop S-Mart. *You got that*?" ~ Ash

Army Of Darkness (1992)

Have to start with 'Army of Darkness' - one of the best movies (and source of movie quotes) ever:

'Hail to the king, baby.' ~ Ash