Monday, August 31, 2009

Regrets? I've Had A Few

Kingman: 'I spent eighty-six million dollars of the studio's money on twenty seconds of titles. That's all he sent me, the TITLES! And a note: "Dave, we could also do these in blue." We HAD to make a Hal Weidmann picture!'
Davis: 'The man's won three Oscars. He's a genius.'
Kingman: 'No! There's only been one genius in this business, and that was Señor Wences! A little lipstick, some hair, and his hand, and the guy had a career for eighty-five years! "S'aright!".'

The Truth?

Gwen: 'I'm on pain medication that makes me say things I'd never say otherwise. To set the record perfectly straight, Eddie and I never had any plans to reconcile.'
Hector: 'And?'
Gwen: 'Oh, and Hector is very well-endowed.'
Hector: 'Almost too well-endowed. I've had complaints. Literally.'

The Defense Rests

Leaf Weidmann: 'Can I defend my father's work?'
Gwen: 'No, you cannot. Who's her father?'
Lee: 'Hal.'
Gwen: 'No, you cannot!'
Leaf Weidmann: 'Well, at least let me defend Hector. I've only slept with him once, but I know his penis is bigger than a roll of quarters.'
Gwen: 'You slept with her?'
Hector: 'No! No, she is lying! Except for the part about my penis - that's true.'

Random Sweetness

'Look, Byron, I want to be honest with you. Before I came down from the room, I took a half a pound of Vicodin, so I'm going to be really comfortable until about late March.' ~ Eddie
'Life is a cookie.' ~ Wellness Guide
'People have no idea what it's like being me. Did we brush my teeth?' ~ Gwen
'You're the devil.' ~ Eddie
'Ooh, pussy boy gonna splat!' ~ Hector
'Eddie, the next time you try to kill yourself, just take a hairdryer into the bathtub.' ~ Lee
'Just smile and shut up.' ~ Gwen
'Love is a bridge built between two people. We want what exists between them to be real. My name is Hal Weidmann. The film you are about to see is Time Over Time, or is it? The details are unimportant. Simply put, the script was shit. I tossed it. I instead decided to let the camera capture real life. I filmed my actors without their knowledge. I let the camera run after takes. I placed hidden cameras around the set. The end result is a story far more involving than anything manufactured by actors and writers. This is real life. The juice. The stink. The glory' ~ Hal Weidmann
'How can you be in love with someone and not even like them at the same time?' ~ Eddie
'I really want to play a character like the Terminator, you know, because I think the Hispanic people are crying out to see a deadly, destructive, killing machine that they can embrace as their own, you know, that they can relate to...' ~ Hector
'You probably read in People Magazine that I'm on Zoloft.' ~ Eddie
'Eddie's really good... and he's my pillar of strength, you know. It's like Sodom and Gomorrah' ~ Gwen
'I tried to walk away, but the guy just kept pushing. So I hit him in the tray with my face.' ~ Eddie
'Felix, this is Oscar. The monkey is in daycare. Repeat, the monkey is in daycare.' ~ Danny
'He's gonna be a pussy pancake.' ~ Hector
'Survival rule number three, kid: You're not here to love anyone. You're here to promote a movie. That's it. Period. Say you're here and you get word that your mother died. You know, like, hit by a bus or something. You go downstairs, you shed a tear, and you say, "It's a shame. She would have loved this movie.' ~ Lee
'Can I just say something please? Excuse me. What was said about my penis on the screen... that is completely false. Completely! I am extremely well hung. I will submit to a physical inspection right now.' ~ Hector
'They liked the movie. The press actually liked this crazy movie. They're calling it the "Blair Bitch Project".' ~ Lee

Who's On First?

Lee: 'So, do you want to arrive first or second?'
Eddie: 'Second.'
Lee: 'Be right back.'
Lee: 'He wants to go second.'
Kiki: 'Let him go second.'
Gwen: He can go second. No, wait a minute. He should go first. I don't want to look like his opening act. I want to go second.'
Kiki: 'She wants to go second.'
Lee: 'Second it is.'
Lee: 'She wants to go second.'
Eddie: 'Fine, let her come second. I don't care. Let her come behind me. That way she'll be able to see the knife she stuck in my back.'
Lee: 'Thank you.'
Kiki: 'Second? We're all set.'
Gwen: 'Who cares?'
Kiki: 'She doesn't care.'
Gwen: 'Yes, I do! I'm going first!'
Eddie: 'I don't care! I don't care! Why is this an issue?'
Lee: 'I'm just trying to facilitate the...'
Eddie: 'I don't care! Can we just get to the hotel?'
Lee: 'You're going second.'
Eddie: 'I don't care! I don't care! I don't care! I don't care!'
Lee: 'You're going second. Eddie? You're going second.'
Eddie: 'I don't care.'
Lee: 'Okay. Thank you.'

How A Typical Larry King Appearance Ends

Gwen: 'I hate Larry King! Why did I do his stupid show?'
Kiki: 'Just breathe.'
Gwen: 'I don't want to breathe! "Your last two movies crashed and burned"... I wanted to choke him to death with those stupid suspenders. Everyone hates me.'
Kiki: 'That's not true. The lighting was great. Everyone said you looked great.'
Gwen: 'Who?'
Larry King Producer: 'You looked great.'
Kiki: 'See?'
Gwen: 'Thanks!'
Gwen: 'As if she really knows.'

America's Sweethearts (2001)

Kingman: 'Remember the crazy guy in the woods?'
Davis: 'Ted Kaczynski.'
Kingman: 'Who, the guy at Fox?'
Lee: 'The Unabomber.'
Kingman: 'Yeah, the Unabomber. Okay? Remember how he lived in that little cabin?'
Lee: 'So?'
Kingman: 'Hal Weidmann bought that cabin from the government and had it moved onto his property. That is where he edits his movies. That is his little, twisted, sicko office.'

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

A Very Minor League

Willie Mays Hayes: 'What the hell league you been playing in?'
Rick Vaughn: 'California Penal.'
Willie Mays Hayes: 'Never heard of it. How'd you end up playing there?'
Rick Vaughn: 'Stole a car.'

Wild Indians And Others

'How's your wife and my kids?' ~ Heywood
'Yo, bartender, Jobu needs a refill.' ~ Eddie Harris
'Don't you guys go anywhere. I plan to put on a hitting display.' ~ Willie Mays Hayes
'Come on Dorn, get in front of the damn ball! Don't give me this "olé" bullshit!' ~ Lou Brown
'Willie Mays Hayes. I hit like Mays, and I run like Hayes.' ~ Willie Mays Hayes
'You may run like Hayes. but you hit like shit.' ~ Lou Brown
'Hats for bats, keep bats warm.' ~ Pedro Cerrano
'Cerrano's looking for some extra power for tonight. He's looking to sacrifice a live chicken. Man, we can't have people puking in the locker room before the game!' ~ Willie Mays Hayes
'We should've got the live chicken.' ~ Willie Mays Hayes
'Up your butt, Jobu.' ~ Eddie Harris
'All right people, we got 10 minutes 'till game time, let's all gather 'round. I'm not much for giving inspirational addresses, but I'd just like to point out that every newspaper in the country has picked us to finish last. The local press seems to think that we'd save everyone the time and trouble if we just went out and shot ourselves. Me, I'm for wasting sportswriters' time. So I figured we ought to hang around for a while and see if we can give 'em all a nice big shitburger to eat!' ~ Lou Brown
'Is very bad to steal Jobu's rum. Is very bad.' ~ Pedro Cerrano

The Wisdom Of Harry Doyle

'In case you haven't noticed, and judging by the attendance you haven't, the Indians have managed to win a few here and there, and are threatening to climb out of the cellar.' ~ Harry Doyle
'Just a reminder, fans, comin' up is our "Die-hard Night" here at the stadium. Free admission to anyone who was actually alive the last time the Indians won a pennant.' ~ Harry Doyle
'Heywood leads the league in most offensive categories, including nose hair. When this guy sneezes, he looks like a party favor.' ~ Harry Doyle
'This guy threw at his own son in a father son game.' ~ Harry Doyle
'So, here is Rick Vaughn, the one they call the "Wild Thing". So, he sets and deals. Just a bit outside, he tried for the corner and missed. Ball 4. Ball 8. Low, and he walks the bases loaded on 12 straight pitches. How can these guys lay off pitches that close? ' ~ Harry Doyle
'Haywood swings and crushes this one toward South America. Tomlinson is gonna need a Visa to catch this one, it is out of here, and there is nothing left but a vapor trail.' ~ Harry Doyle
'So, an eerie start for the Erie warriors as they drop a heartbreaker to the Yankees, nine to nothing. The post game show is brought to you by... Christ I can't find it, the hell with it.' ~ Harry Doyle
'He's not the best colorman in the league for nothing, folks!' ~ Harry Doyle

Members Since 1989

Team: 'Hello. Do you know us?'
Team: 'We're a Major League Baseball team.'
Jake Taylor: 'But since we haven't won a pennant in over 30 years, nobody recognizes us - not even in our own home town.'
Eddie Harris: 'That's why we carry the American Express card.'
Rick Vaughn: No matter how far out of first we are, it's cool. You know, it keeps us from getting shut out at our favorite hotels and restaurant-type places.'
Pedro Cerrano: 'So if you're looking for some Big-League clout, apply for that little green home-run hitter.'
Roger Dorn: 'Look what it's done for us. People still don't recognize us but...'
Lou Brown: 'We're contenders now.'
Willie Mays Hayes: 'The American Express card: Don't steal home without it.'

Team Building? Not So Much...

Rachel Phelps: 'Any ideas?'
Charlie Donovan: 'On how we can get worse?'
Rachel Phelps: 'Mmmmm...'
Charlie Donovan: 'How about a series of fines for good play? Maybe a $30,000 bonus to the guy voted Least Valuable Player.'
Rachel Phelps: 'Maybe the problem is - we're coddling these guys too much. Yeah!'

Major League (1989)

Pedro Cerrano: 'Bats, they are sick. I cannot hit curveball. Straightball I hit it very much. Curveball, bats are afraid. I ask Jobu to come, take fear from bats. I offer him cigar, rum. He will come.'
Eddie Harris: 'You know you might think about taking Jesus Christ as your savior instead of fooling around with all this stuff.'
Roger Dorn: 'Shit, Harris.'
Pedro Cerrano: 'Jesus, I like him very much, but he no help with curveball.'
Eddie Harris: 'You trying to say Jesus Christ can't hit a curveball?'

Thursday, August 6, 2009

A BIG Building

Dr. Rumack: 'You'd better tell the Captain we've got to land as soon as we can. This woman has to be gotten to a hospital.'
Elaine Dickinson: 'A hospital? What is it?'
Dr. Rumack: 'It's a big building with patients, but that's not important right now.'

Temple, Hemphill, Jones, et al

Dr. Rumack: 'Can you fly this plane, and land it?'
Ted Striker: 'Surely you can't be serious.'
Dr. Rumack: 'I am serious - and don't call me Shirley.'

The Letter

Elaine Dickinson: 'You got a letter from headquarters this morning.'
Ted Striker: 'Headquarters? What is it?'
Elaine Dickinson: 'It's a big building where generals meet, but that's not important.'

New Menu Choices

Dr. Rumack: 'What was it we had for dinner tonight?'
Elaine Dickinson: 'Well, we had a choice of steak or fish.'
Dr. Rumack: 'Yes, yes, I remember, I had lasagna.'

Kareem Clone (Iced?)

Joey: 'Wait a minute. I know you. You're Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. You play basketball for the Los Angeles Lakers.'
Roger Murdock: 'I'm sorry son, but you must have me confused with someone else. My name is Roger Murdock. I'm the co-pilot.'
Joey: 'You are Kareem. I've seen you play. My dad's got season tickets.'
Roger Murdock: 'I think you should go back to your seat now Joey. Right Clarence?'
Captain Oveur: 'Nahhhhhh, he's not bothering anyone, let him stay here.'
Roger Murdock: 'But just remember, my name is ROGER MURDOCK. I'm an airline pilot.'
Joey: 'I think you're the greatest, but my dad says you don't work hard enough on defense. And he says that lots of times, you don't even run down court. And that you don't really try - except during the playoffs.'
Roger Murdock: 'The hell I don't. Listen kid, I've been hearing that crap ever since I was at UCLA. I'm out there busting my buns every night. Tell your old man to drag Walton and Lanier up and down the court for 48 minutes.'

My First Flight

Captain Oveur: 'You ever been in a cockpit before?'
Joey: 'No sir, I've never been up in a plane before.'
Captain Oveur: 'You ever seen a grown man naked?'

Idle Tower Chatter

'Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit smoking.' ~ Steve McCroskey
'I just want to tell you both good luck. We're all counting on you.' ~ Dr. Rumack
'There's no reason to become alarmed, and we hope you'll enjoy the rest of your flight. By the way, is there anyone on board who knows how to fly a plane?' ~ Elaine Dickinson
'Striker, listen, and you listen close: flying a plane is no different than riding a bicycle, it's just a lot harder to put baseball cards in the spokes.' ~ Rex Kramer
'Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit drinking.' ~ Steve McCroskey
'I know but this guy has no flying experience at all. He's a menace to himself and everything else in the air... yes, birds too.' ~ Controller
'Joey, do you like movies about gladiators?' ~ Captain Oveur
'The tower, the tower! Rapunzel, Rapunzel!' ~ Johnny
'It was a rough place - the seediest dive on the wharf. Populated with every reject and cutthroat from Bombay to Calcutta. It's worse than Detroit.' ~ Ted Striker
'Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit sniffing glue.' ~ Steve McCroskey
'Joey, have you ever been in a Turkish prison?' ~ Captain Oveur
'Do you know what it's like to fall in the mud and get kicked, in the head, with an iron boot? Of course you don't, no one does. It never happens. Sorry, Ted, that's a dumb question - skip that.' ~ Rex Kramer
'This is WZAZ in Chicago, where disco lives forever.' ~ DJ
'I haven't felt this awful since we saw that Ronald Reagan film.' ~ Passenger
'Where did you get that dress, it's awful, and those shoes and that coat, jeeeeez!' ~ Johnny
'Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit amphetamines' ~ Steve McCroskey
'Jim never has a second cup of coffee at home.' ~ Passenger
'Let's see - altitude: 21,000 feet. Speed: 520 knots. Level flight. Course: zero-niner-zero. Trim and mixture: wash, soak, rinse, spin.' ~ Ted Striker
'No - that's just what they'll be expecting us to do!' ~ Rex Kramer
'Auntie Em, Uncle Henry, Toto! It's a twister! It's a twister!' ~ Johnny
'Jim never vomits at home.' ~ Passenger
'It's coming right at us!' ~ Steve McCroskey

Can You Keep A Secret?

Dr. Rumack: 'Captain, how soon can you land?'
Captain Oveur: 'I can't tell.'
Dr. Rumack: 'You can tell me. I'm a doctor.'
Captain Oveur: 'No. I mean I'm just not sure.'
Dr. Rumack:'Well, can't you take a guess?'
Captain Oveur: 'Well, not for another two hours.'
Dr. Rumack: 'You can't take a guess for another two hours?'

Examine Your Zipper

Dr. Rumack: 'Well, I don't have anything to say, you've done the best you could. You really have, the best you could. You can't expect to win em all. But, I want to tell you something I've kept to myself through these years. I was in the war myself, medical corps. I was on late duty one night when they brought in a badly wounded pilot from one of the raids. He could barely talk. He looked at me and said, "The odds were against us up there, but we went in anyway, I'm glad, the Captain made the right decision." The pilot's name was George Zip.'
Ted Striker: 'George Zip said that?'
Dr. Rumack: 'The last thing he said to me, "Doc," he said, "some time when the crew is up against it, and the breaks are beating the boys, tell them to get out there and give it all they got and win just one for the Zipper. I don't know where I'll be then, Doc," he said, "but I won't smell too good, that's for sure."'
Ted Striker: 'Excuse me doc, I got a plane to land.'

Airplane! (1980)

Tower: 'Flight 2-0-9'er, you are cleared for take-off.'
Captain Oveur: 'Roger!'
Roger Murdock: 'Huh?'
Tower: 'L.A. departure frequency, 123 point 9'er.'
Captain Oveur: 'Roger!'
Roger Murdock: 'Huh?'
Victor: 'Request vector, over.'
Captain Oveur: 'What?'
Tower: 'Flight 2-0-9'er cleared for vector 324.'
Roger Murdock: 'We have clearance, Clarence.'
Captain Oveur: 'Roger, Roger. What's our vector, Victor?'
Tower: 'Tower's radio clearance, over!'
Captain Oveur: 'That's Clarence Oveur. Over.'
Tower: 'Over.'
Captain Oveur: 'Roger.'
Roger Murdock: 'Huh?'
Tower: 'Roger, over!'
Roger Murdock: 'What?'
Captain Oveur: 'Huh?'
Victor: 'Who?'

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

An Experienced Woman

Rosie:' Are you nervous?'
Robbie: 'I'm actually not that nervous. I've been around lots of weddings before, so I figure it won't be very different.'
Rosie: 'I didn't mean about the wedding. I meant about the wedding night. Will this be your first time with intercourse?'
Robbie: 'Uh.'
Rosie: 'Well, don't be ashamed. You know, when I got married, I wasn't a virgin. I'd already had intercourse with eight men.'
Robbie: 'Now, that's something I didn't wanna know about.'
Rosie: 'That was a lot back then; it'd be like two hundred today!'

Getting The Boot

Robbie: 'Are you drinking, too?'
Julia: 'No, it's Coca-Cola.'
Robbie: 'Are you sure? There's no rum in that Coca-Cola?'
Julia: 'I'm not a big drinker. And if it was, I'd probably be puking more than that kid!'
Robbie: 'Oh, I don't think anybody could puke more than than kid. I think I saw a boot come out of him.'

Man With A Plan

Robbie: 'No, I'm not a big drinker.'
Glenn: 'Well I am, how about an Alabama Slammer?'
Glenn's buddy: 'Sounds like a plan.'
Robbie: 'Yeah, go ahead, have a few drinks and, you know, drive home.'

Build Me Up Buttercup

Glen's buddy: 'Robbie Hart? Oh, man, I heard what happened to you at your wedding, that was so cold! You must've felt like shit!'
Robbie: 'No, it felt real good, thanks for bringing that up, man. Hey, my parents died when I was ten, would you like to talk about that?'
Glenn's buddy: 'No, why would I wanna talk about that?'
Robbie: 'I don't know.'

No Sense Of Humor

Robbie: 'I don't even know your last name.'
Glenn: 'It's Guglia.'
Robbie: 'Guglia? Oh, so Julia's last name's gonna be Guglia. Julia Guglia! That's funny!'
Glenn: 'Why is that funny?'
Robbie: 'I - don't know.'

Always A Critic

Father of the Bride: 'You are the worst wedding singer in the world, buddy!'
Robbie: 'Sir, one more outburst from you and I will strangle you with my microphone wire.'

Practice, Practice, Practice

Rosie: 'I'll be a beautiful young woman, and you be Robbie. Now, ask me out.'
Robbie: 'You know, I'm really not comfortable...'
Rosie: 'Hello, sir. Was there something you wanted to ask me?'
Robbie: 'Fine. Would you like to go out on a date with me?'
Rosie: 'No. Your penis is too small.'

The Reception Buzz

'Hey, psycho - we're not gonna discuss this, OK, it's over. Please get out of my Van Halen t-shirt before you jinx the band and they break up.' ~ Robbie
'All right, remember - alcohol equals puke equals smelly mess equals nobody likes you!' ~ Robbie
'Listen, I know you're shy and I know you've been hurt, so I'm going to make this really easy on you. If you come upstairs, you're gonna get laid.' ~ Holly
'Hey, somebody get some pants on this kid!' ~ Robbie
'This is a great idea. I'm glad you came around. You want to do some gambling and have some fun right away, or you just want to get married?' ~ Glenn
'If you find somebody you can love, you can't let that get away.' ~ Sammy
'You need a prostitute.' ~ Old Man
'See? Billy Idol gets it!' ~ Robbie
'They rip your heart out of your ass!' ~ Old Man
'He wants to make money. You know - live in a nice house with wide windows and locks. You can't expect him to live forever with his sister and the nipple-twisting that goes on there.' ~ Rosie
'We're living in a material world and I am a material girl - or boy.' ~ Robbie
'Cindy and Scott are newlyweds! Whoopee-dee-doo!' ~ Robbie
'No one will ever solve that.' ~ Holly

What Are The Odds?

Glenn: 'Who are you going out with?'
Holly: 'Robbie.'
Glenn: 'Oh good, that guy needs to get laid.'
Holly: 'Excuse me! Just because he's going out with me doesn't mean he's going to get laid.'
Holly: 'All right, he probably will.'

Sex Appeal

Holly: 'God, I love David Bowie. He is so sexy.'
Glenn: 'You think the "time to make the donuts" guy is sexy.'
Robbie: 'Heh heh, that guy is funny.'

Brainstorming Song Ideas

Glenn: 'You know, you should write a song about this. You could call it "I got punched in the nose for sticking my face in other people's business".'
Old man: 'Sounds like a country song!'

The Wedding Singer (1998)

Robbie: 'You're late.'
Linda: 'I'm sorry - I just couldn't do it.'
Robbie: 'Well, if you need more time, I guess I could wait.'
Linda: 'No - I don't need more time, Robbie. I don't ever want to marry you.'
Robbie: 'Gee, you know that information - really would've been more useful to me YESTERDAY.'
Linda: 'I've been talking with my friends the last few days...'
Robbie: 'Oh, boy, here it comes.'
Linda: '...and I think I've figured out what's been bothering me. I'm not in love with Robbie, now. I'm in love with Robbie, six years ago. Robbie, the lead singer of Final Warning; I used to come watch you when you were in your silk shirt and Spandex pants, and you would sing into the microphone like you were David Lee Roth.'
Robbie: 'I've still got the Spandex; I'll put 'em on right now.'
Linda: 'The point is, I woke up this morning and realized I'm about to get married to a wedding singer? I am never gonna leave Richfield!'
Robbie: 'Why do you need to leave Richfield? We grew up here. All our friends are here; it's the perfect place to raise a family.'
Linda: 'Oh, yeah - sure! Living in your sister's basement with five kids while you're off every weekends doing wedding gigs at a whoppin' sixty bucks a pop?'
Robbie: 'Once again, things that could've been brought to my attention YESTERDAY!'

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

The Breakfast Buffet

Shooter McGavin: 'You're in big trouble though, pal. I eat pieces of shit like you for breakfast!'
Happy Gilmore: 'You eat pieces of shit for breakfast?'
Shooter McGavin: 'No!'

Drawing a Crowd

Happy Gilmore: 'He shoots, he scores!'
Happy Gilmore: 'Oh, man. That was so much easier than putting. I should just try to get the ball in one shot every time.'
Chubbs: 'Good plan.'
Virginia: 'Did you see that?'
Shooter McGavin: 'Yes. Nice shot.'
Virginia: 'He just got a Hole-in-One on a par four!'
Shooter McGavin: 'I know. I just said I saw it.'
Virginia: 'Oh, I hope he wins. He's a publicist's dream. I mean, a guy who could drive the ball that far - oh, he could really draw a crowd.'
Shooter McGavin: 'You know what else could draw a crowd? A golfer with an arm growing out of his ass.'

Course Etiquette

Happy Gilmore: 'Where are you going with those clubs, punk?'
Caddy: 'Mr. Gilmore, I'm your caddy!'
Happy Gilmore: 'Oh, I'm sorry about that. Let me carry these, alright, they were my grandfather's, they're pretty old.'
Caddy: 'Well, what should I do then?'
Happy Gilmore: 'I don't know. Why don't you just watch me, and make sure I don't do anything stupid. Okay?'
Starter: 'Mr. Gilmore, Mr. Lafferty will be teeing off now.'
Happy Gilmore: 'Alright, good luck, buddy.'
Caddy: 'Get out the way.'
Happy Gilmore: 'Where were you on that one, dipshit?'

Harness the Energy!

Gary Potter: 'Harness in the good energy, block out the bad. Harness. Energy. Block. Bad. It's like a carousel. You put the quarter in, you get on the horse, it goes up and down, and around. Circular, circle. Feel it. Go with the flow.'
Happy Gilmore: 'Psycho.'

A Quick Consult

Doctor: 'Well, You're a little banged up but no serious injury's. Just keep off your feet for a few days.'
Happy Gilmore: 'To Hell with that, I gotta finish up.'
Doctor: 'Fine! Do whatever you like. What would I know, I'm just a Doctor.'

Witty Course Banter

'Did that go in? I wasn't watching, did it go in? I didn't see it, could you tell me if it went in? ~ Happy Gilmore
'Damn you people. Go back to your shanties.' ~ Shooter McGavin
'During high school, I played junior hockey and still hold two league records: most time spent in the penalty box; and I was the only guy to ever take off his skate and try to stab somebody.' ~ Happy Gilmore
'Do you know what the pathetic thing is? You have been doing this your whole life.' ~ Happy Gilmore
'Stop fraternizing with the help Gilmore. Just hit your ball - if you can find it.' ~ Shooter McGavin
'That's my puck, baby, don't you ever touch my puck.' ~ Happy Gilmore
'Damn you people. This is golf. Not a rock concert.' ~ Shooter McGavin
'Happy learned how to putt! Uh-oh!' ~ Happy Gilmore
'You little son of a bitch ball! Why you don't you just go home? That's your home! Are you too good for your home? Answer me! Suck my white ass, ball!' ~ Happy Gilmore
'Hey, if I saw myself in clothes like that, I'd have to kick my own ass.' ~ Happy Gilmore
'Thank you, Doug. You know, I saw Doug playing yesterday. And I've got to tell you, this guy spends more time in the sand than David Hasselhoff!' ~ Shooter McGavin
'I'm stupid. You're smart. I was wrong. You were right. You're the best. I'm the worst. You're very good-looking. I'm not attractive.' ~ Happy Gilmore
'Spoken like a true asshole.' ~ Chubbs
'Hey, Happy Gilmore! Come on down!' ~ Shooter McGavin
'Shooter! Great to hear from you! You wanna go to the Sizzler and get some grub?' ~ Donald
'You're gonna need a blanket and suntan lotion, cause you're never gonna get off that beach, just like the way you never got into the NHL - you jackass!' ~ Donald
'You will not make this putt - you jackass! ~ Donald
'Somebody's closer!' ~ Happy Gilmore
'You know that alligator that got your hand? Well I got his head!' ~ Happy Gilmore
'Hey Shooter, haven't you forgot your nine iron?' ~ Mr. Larson
'It ain't over, McGavin. The way I see it - we've only just begun.' ~ Happy Gilmore
'What are you doing Happy? Riding a bull? You're acting like a damn fool!' ~ Chubbs
'Step right up, folks. See if you can out drive the amazing Golf Ball, uh, Whacker Guy!' ~ Happy Gilmore

Putting the Pieces Back Together

Happy Gilmore: 'I got into this tournament for one reason: money. And now I have a new reason: kicking your ass!'
Shooter McGavin: 'Well, I'd like to see you try.'
Happy Gilmore: 'Let's do it, then!'
Shooter McGavin: 'I meant on a golf course!'
Virginia: 'Hey! What's going on here, huh?'
Happy Gilmore: 'Oh, uh, I was just looking for the other half of this bottle and there's some of it and there's some of it right there, too.'
Virginia: 'Why don't you just put it down?'
Happy Gilmore: 'Yeah, I know.'

Golf Defined

Chubbs: 'Golf's no different from Hockey. It requires talent and self discipline.'
Happy Gilmore: 'Golf requires goofy pants and a fat ass. You should talk to my neighbor, the accountant. Probably a great golfer - huge ass.'
Chubbs: 'Hey, I'll bet your neighbor the accountant can't drive the ball four hundred yards. I'll bet your neighbor the accountant doesn't have a shot to get on the Pro Tour!'
Happy Gilmore: ;And how would I do that?'
Chubbs: 'You win the Open tomorrow, and you're automatically on the Pro Tour. Then who knows? Maybe you'll win the Tour Championship one day. Get that gold jacket that I never got.'
Happy Gilmore: 'Gold jacket, green jacket, who gives a shit?'

Happy Gilmore (1996)

Happy Gilmore: 'That guy's driving me crazy!'
Bob Barker: 'You know what's driving *me* crazy? You, not getting the ball in the hole.'
Happy Gilmore: 'Don't push me, Bob! Now's not the time.'
Bob Barker: 'This guy sucks!'
Announcer: 'We haven't seen Happy Gilmore play this badly since his first day on tour. He and Bob Barker are now dead-last.'
Bob Barker: 'I can't believe you're a professional golfer! I think you should be working at the snack bar.'
Happy Gilmore: 'You better relax, Bob.'
Bob Barker: 'There is no way that you could have been as bad at hockey as you are at golf!'
Happy Gilmore: 'Alright, let's go!'
Happy Gilmore: 'You like that, old man? You want a piece of me?'
Bob Barker: 'I don't want a piece of you, I want the whole thing!'
Happy Gilmore: 'Now you're gonna get it, Bobby!'
Happy Gilmore: 'The price is wrong, bitch!'
Bob Barker: 'I think you've had enough.'
Bob Barker: 'No?'
Bob Barker: 'Now you've had enough, bitch.'

Monday, August 3, 2009

Greetings and Salutations

JD: 'Greetings and salutations, you a Heather?'
Veronica: 'No, I'm a Veronica. Sawyer.'

A Plea for UNICEF

Heather McNamara: 'God, aren't they fed yet? Do they even have Thanksgiving in Africa?'
Veronica: 'Oh, sure. Pilgrims, Indians - Tator Tots. It's a real party continent.'

Needed : An Autoclave

Veronica: 'That knife is filthy.'
JD: 'What do you think I'm going to do with it, take out her tonsils?'
Veronica: 'Excuse me, I think I know Heather a little bit better than you do. If she were going to slit her wrists, the knife would be spotless.'

Loving Acceptance

Kurt's Dad: 'My son's a homosexual, and I love him. I love my dead gay son.'
JD: 'Wonder how he'd react if his son had a limp wrist with a pulse.'

A Really Bad Assembly

Heather Duke: 'Veronica, you look like hell.'
Veronica: 'Yeah? I just got back.'

Wait 30 Minutes Before Swimming

Veronica: 'Watch it Heather, you might be digesting food there.'
Heather McNamara: 'Yeah, where's your urge to purge?'
Heather Duke: 'F*ck it.'

Movie Night

Veronica: 'Hey, Martha. My date for the prom kinda flaked out on me. I was wondering, If you weren't doing anything that night, maybe we could rent some new releases and pop some popcorn.'
Martha Dumptruck: 'I'd like that.'
Veronica: 'Yeah. Me too.'

A Note On Death

Veronica: 'If you think I'm doing another suicide note you're wrong!'
JD: 'You don't get it do you? Society nods its head at any horror the American teenager can think to bring upon itself. Nobody is going to care about exact handwriting.'

Sunday, August 2, 2009

Overheard In The Hallways

'It's one thing to want someone out of your life, but it's another thing to serve them a wake-up cup full of liquid draino.' ~ Veronica
'You blow it tonight, girl, and it's keggers with kids all next year.' ~ Heather Chandler
'I like it. It's got that what-a-cruel-world-let's-toss-ourselves-in-the-abyss type ambiance.' ~ JD
'Dear Diary, my teen-angst bullshit now has a body count.' ~ Veronica
'The only place different social types can genuinely get along with each other is in heaven.' ~ JD
'Whether to kill yourself or not is one of the most important decisions a teenager can make.' ~ Pauline
'Football season is over, Veronica. Kurt and Ram had nothing left to offer the school except for date rapes and AIDS jokes.' ~ JD
'Suicide gave Heather depth, Kurt a soul, and Ram a brain. I don't know what it's given me, but I have no control over myself when I'm with J.D. Are we going to prom or to hell?' ~ Veronica
'Hi, I'm sorry. Technically, I did not kill Heather Chandler, but hey who am I trying to kid, right? I just want my high school to be a nicer place. Amen. Did that sound bitchy?' ~ Veronica
'Chaos was what killed the dinosaurs, darling.' ~ JD
'What is your damage, Heather?' ~ Veronica
'Grow up Heather, bulimia's so '87.' ~ Heather Chandler
'Great pate, mom, but I gotta motor if I wanna be ready for that party tonight.' ~ Veronica
'This isn't just a spoke in my menstrual cycle.' ~ Veronica
'The extreme always seems to make an impression.' ~ JD
'I say we just grow up, be adults and die.' ~ Veronica
'Seven schools in seven states and the only thing different is my locker combination.' ~ JD
'Well, f*ck me gently with a chainsaw. Do I look like Mother Theresa?' ~ Heather Chandler
'If you were happy every day of your life you wouldn't be a human being. You'd be a game-show host.' ~ Veronica
'Did you have a brain tumor for breakfast? First you ask if you can be red, knowing that I'm always red.' ~ Heather Chandler
'Dear Diary, no one can stop JD, not the FBI, the CIA or the PTA.' ~ Veronica
'We must pray the other teenagers of Sherwood, Ohio, know the name of that righteous dude who can solve their problems: it's Jesus Christ, and he's in the Book.' ~ Priest
'Our love is God, let's go get a Slushie.' ~ JD
'You know what I want? Cool guys like you out of my life.' ~ Veronica

What Teenagers Want

Veronica: 'All we want is to be treated like human beings, not to be experimented on like guinea pigs or patronized like bunny rabbits.'
Veronica's Dad: 'I don't patronize bunny rabbits.'

Heathers (1988)

Ram: 'Let's kick his ass!'
Kurt: 'Shit, Ram - we're seniors, man. We're too old for that kind of crap. Let's give 'im a good scare, though.'
Ram: 'You gonna eat this?'
Kurt: 'What did your boyfriend say when you told 'im you were movin' to Sherwood, Ohio?'
Ram: 'Answer him, dick!'
Kurt: 'Hey Ram, doesn't this cafeteria have a "No Fags Allowed" rule?'
JD: 'Well they, uh, seem to have an open door policy for assholes though, don't they?'

Drip, Drip, Drip, Drip...

Vinny: 'Weren't you the last one to use the bathroom?'
Lisa: 'So?'
Vinny: 'Well, did you use the faucet?'
Lisa: 'Yeah'.
Vinny: 'Then why didn'tcha turn it off?'
Lisa: 'I did turn it off!'
Vinny: 'Well, if you turned it off, why am I listening to it?'
Lisa: 'Did it ever occur to you it could be turned off AND drip at the same time?'
Vinny: 'No. Because if you'd turned it off, it wouldn't drip!'
Lisa: 'Maybe it's broken.'
Vinny: 'Is that what you're saying? It's broken?'
Lisa: 'Yeah. That's it, it's broken.'
Vinny: 'You sure?'
Lisa: 'I'm positive.
Vinny: 'Maybe you didn't twist it hard enough.'
Lisa: 'I twisted it just right'.
Vinny: 'How could you be so sure?'
Lisa: 'If you will look in the manual, you will see that this particular model faucet requires a range of 10 to 16 foot-pounds of torque. I routinely twist the maximum allowable torquage.'
Vinny: Well, how could you be sure you used 16 foot-pounds of torque?'
Lisa: 'Because I used a Craftsman model 1019 Laboratory Edition Signature Series torque wrench. The kind used by Caltech high energy physicists. And NASA engineers.'
Vinny: 'Well, in that case, how can you be sure that's accurate?'
Lisa: 'Because a split second before the torque wrench was applied to the faucet handle, it had been calibrated by top members of the state and federal Department of Weights and Measures to be dead on balls accurate!'
Lisa: 'Here's the certificate of validation.'
Vinny: 'Dead on balls accurate?'
Lisa: 'It's an industry term.'
Vinny: 'I guess the fucking thing is broken.'

We's Famous For Our Mud

Lisa: 'Famous for your mud? How's your Chinese food?'
Vinny: 'You just keep asking about Chinese food. You gotta let everybody know you're a tourist?'
Lisa: 'Yeah well what are you, a f*cking world traveler?'

Customizing the Legal System

Vinny: 'My clients were caught completely by surprise. They thought they were getting arrested for shoplifting a can of tuna.'
Judge Chamberlain Haller: 'What are you telling me? That they plead not guilty?'
Vinny: 'No. I'm just trying to explain.'
Judge Chamberlain Haller: 'I don't want to hear explanations. The state of Alabama has a procedure. And that procedure is to have an arraignment. Are we clear on this?'
Vinny: 'Yes, but there seems to be a great deal of confusion here. You see, my clients...'
Judge Chamberlain Haller: 'Uh, Mr. Gambini?
Judge Chamberlain Haller: 'All I ask from you is a very simple answer to a very simple question. There are only two ways to answer it: guilty or not guilty.'
Vinny: 'But your honor, my clients didn't do anything.'
Judge Chamberlain Haller: Once again, the communication process has broken down. It appears to me that you want to skip the arraignment process, go directly to trial, skip that, and get a dismissal. Well, I'm not about to revamp the entire judicial process just because you find yourself in the unique position of defending clients who say they didn't do it.'

A Sharp Dressed Man

Vinny: 'My clients...'
Judge Chamberlain Haller: 'What are you wearing?'
Vinny: 'Huh?'
Judge Chamberlain Haller: 'What are you wearing?'
Vinny: 'Um, I'm wearing clothes.'
Vinny: 'I, I don't get the question.'
Judge Chamberlain Haller: 'When you come into my court looking like you do, you not only insult me, but you insult the integrity of this court.'
Vinny: 'I apologise, sir, but, uh, this is how I dress.'
Judge Chamberlain Haller: 'The next time you appear in my court, you will look lawyerly. And I mean you comb your hair, and wear a suit and tie. And that suit had better be made out of some sort of cloth. You understand me?'
Vinny: 'Uh yes. Fine, Judge, fine'

Voir Dire

D.A. Trotter: 'Ms. Vito, what is your current profession?'
Lisa: 'I'm an out-of-work hairdresser.'
D.A. Trotter: 'An out-of-work hairdresser. In what way does that qualify you as an expert in automobiles?'
Lisa: 'It doesn't.'

The Perfect Camouflage

Lisa: 'What?'
Vinny: 'Nothing. You stick out like a sore thumb around here.'
Lisa: 'Me? What about you?'
Vinny: 'I fit in better than you. At least I'm wearing cowboy boots.'
Lisa: 'Oh yeah, you blend.'

Defying the Laws of Physics

Vinny: 'How could it take you five minutes to cook your grits when it takes the entire grit-eating world 20 minutes?'
Mr. Tipton: 'Um, I'm a fast cook, I guess.'
Vinny: 'What? I'm sorry I was over there. Did you just say you were a fast cook? Are we to believe that boiling water soaks into a grit faster in your kitchen than any place on the face of the earth?'
Mr. Tipton: 'I don't know.'
Vinny: 'Perhaps the laws of physics cease to exist on your stove. Were these magic grits? Did you buy them from the same guy who sold Jack his beanstalk beans?'

A Hearty Breakfast

Vinny: 'Whats this over here?'
Cook: 'You never heard of grits?'
Vinny: 'Sure I've heard of grits. I just never actually seen a grit before.'

My Cousin Vinny (1992)

Vinny: 'It is possible that the two yutes...'
Judge Chamberlain Haller: 'Ah, the two what? Uh, uh, what was that word?'
Vinny: 'Uh, what word?'
Judge Chamberlain Haller: 'Two what?'
Vinny: 'What?'
Judge Chamberlain Haller: 'Uh, did you say 'yutes'?'
Vinny: 'Yeah, two yutes.'
Judge Chamberlain Haller: 'What is a yute?'
Vinny: 'Oh, excuse me, your honor.'
Vinny: 'Two YOUTHS.'

Saturday, August 1, 2009

Howard Stern, Marriage Counselor

Howard Stern: 'Hello. Is this Betty Jean Rushton?'
Betty Jean Rushton: 'Yes, it is.'
Howard Stern: 'Hi, there. This is Howard Stern, WNnnnnBC. I'm calling because your husband Kenny has been really bitchy around the station lately and we thought that maybe you should give him some more sex.'
Betty Jean Rushton: 'More sex?'
Howard Stern: 'Yeah, he's backed up! Isn't he backed up, Ross?,

F&%* the FCC

Jackie: 'My answer is "cock", and I wrote it really big, so I have a "big cock!"'
Howard: 'I'm afraid you can't say "big cock" on the air. That's a no-no.'
Robin Quivers: 'But I just said "pussy".'
Jackie: 'Yeah, she just said "pussy".'
Howard: 'Well, "pussy's" okay. It's the way you say it. "Big cock" coming out of your mouth is, just not good.'
Jackie: 'Wait a minute. I can't say "big cock", but you can say "big cock coming out of your mouth?"'
Howard: 'That's right.'
Jackie: 'That sucks!'
Fred Norris: 'Did you just say "big cock coming out of your mouth that sucks"?'
Howard: 'So Brett, what did you write down?'
Robin Quivers: 'Just like the boys, Gene. I've got "cock".'
Howard: 'Do me a favor. Hold that up for a second so I can see your "cock".'

Parts Is Parts

'You're a moron! Now shut up and sit still!' ~ Ben Stern
'I am the hero of the lesbian community.' ~ Howard Stern
'Howard is on the FCC's Most Wanted List.' ~ Roger Erlick
'After all, being misunderstood is the fate of all true geniuses is it not?' ~ Howard Stern
'I told you not to be stupid, you moron.' ~ Ben Stern
'We never went to ballgames. The only sport my dad liked was yelling.' ~ Howard Stern
'Lesbians equals ratings.' ~ Howard Stern
'I tell you, nothing makes a woman hotter than to be with an award-winning filmmaker.' ~ Howard Stern
'You're the anti-Christ. You know that, Stern?' ~ Pig Vomit
'"Kill Kill Kill the White Man" by Eugene Mamalookaboobooday. Eugene is my pen name 'cause I wrote this while I was in the Pen.' ~ Howard Stern
'Hey honey, Robin Leech says we should move to Antigua.' ~ Howard Stern

Howard Stern's Private Parts (1997)

Researcher: 'The average radio listener listens for eighteen minutes. The average Howard Stern fan listens for - are you ready for this? - an hour and twenty minutes.'
Pig Vomit: 'How can that be?'
Researcher: 'Answer most commonly given? "I want to see what he'll say next."'
Pig Vomit: 'Okay, fine. But what about the people who hate Stern?'
Researcher: 'Good point. The average Stern hater listens for two and a half hours a day.'
Pig Vomit: 'But if they hate him, why do they listen?'
Researcher: 'Most common answer? "I want to see what he'll say next."'