Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Let Me Tell You My Evil Plan

Dr. Evil: 'Gentlemen, I have a plan. It's called blackmail. The Royal Family of Britain are the wealthiest landowners in the world. Either the Royal Family pays us an exorbitant amount of money, or we make it seen that Prince Charles has had an affair outside of marriage and therefore would have to divorce!'
Number Two: 'Prince Charles did have an affair. He admitted it, and they are now divorced.'
Dr. Evil: 'Right, people you have to tell me these things, okay? I've been frozen for thirty years, okay? Throw me a frickin' bone here! I'm the boss! Need the info.'
Dr. Evil: 'Okay no problem. Here's my second plan. Back in the 60's, I had a weather changing machine that was, in essence, a sophisticated heat beam which we called a "laser." Using these "lasers," we punch a hole in the protective layer around the Earth, which we scientists call the "Ozone Layer." Slowly but surely, ultraviolet rays would pour in, increasing the risk of skin cancer. That is unless the world pays us a hefty ransom.'
Number Two: 'That also already has happened.'
Dr. Evil: 'Shit. Oh hell, let's just do what we always do. Hijack some nuclear weapons and hold the world hostage. Yeah? Good! Gentlemen, it has come to my attention that a breakaway Russian Republic called Kreplachistan will be transferring a nuclear warhead to the United Nations in a few days. Here's the plan. We get the warhead and we hold the world ransom for... ONE MILLION DOLLARS!'
Number Two: 'Don't you think we should ask for more than a million dollars? A million dollars isn't exactly a lot of money these days. Virtucon alone makes over 9 billion dollars a year!'
Dr. Evil: 'Really? That's a lot of money. Okay then, we hold the world ransom for...One... Hundred... BILLION DOLLARS!'

Protection for Sailors

Vanessa Kensington: 'Look, I know I'm being neurotic, but I can't shake off this suspicious feeling about Miss Fagina. I don't want to sound paranoid, but I've had some bad relationships in the past, and I have been known to be jealous. I'm sorry.'
Austin Powers: 'No, don't be sorry, baby. You're right to be suspicious. I shagged her.'
Vanessa Kensington: 'What?'
Austin Powers: 'I shagged her rotten, baby, yeah!'
Vanessa Kensington: 'Did you used protection?'
Austin Powers: 'Of course. I had my 9mm automatic.'
Vanessa Kensington: 'You know I meant, did you use a condom?'
Austin Powers: 'No, only sailors wear condoms baby.'
Vanessa Kensington: 'Not in the '90s Austin.'
Austin Powers: 'Well they should, those filthy buggers. They go from port to port.'

Sunday, September 27, 2009

Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery (1997)

Clerk: 'One Swedish-made penis enlarger.'
Austin Powers: 'That's not mine.'
Clerk: 'One credit card receipt for Swedish-made penis enlarger signed by Austin Powers.'
Austin Powers: 'I'm telling ya baby, that's not mine.'
Clerk: 'One warranty card for Swedish-made penis enlarger pump, filled out by Austin Powers.'
Austin Powers: 'I don't even know what this is! This sort of thing ain't my bag, baby.
Clerk: 'One book, "Swedish-made Penis Enlargers And Me: This Sort of Thing Is My Bag Baby", by Austin Powers.'

Saturday, September 19, 2009

It's All Semantics

Flounder: 'I can't believe I threw up in front of Dean Wormer.'
Boon: 'Face it, Kent. You threw up on Dean Wormer.'

Overheard Around The House

'The time has come for someone to put his foot down. And that foot is me.' ~ Dean Wormer
'Fat, drunk and stupid is no way to go through life, son.' ~ Dean Wormer
'May I have ten thousand marbles, please?' ~ Flounder
'Christ. Seven years of college down the drain. Might as well join the fucking Peace Corps.' ~ Bluto
'They confiscated everything, even the stuff we didn't steal!' ~ Hoover
'TOGA! TOGA!' ~ Bluto
'We have an old saying in Delta House: don't get mad, get even.' ~ D-Day
'You're all worthless and weak! Now drop and give me twenty!' ~ Neidermeyer
'Thank you, sir! May I have another?' ~ Chip
'Put Neidermeyer on it. He's a sneaky little shit just like you.' ~ Dean Wormer
'You can take your thumb out of my ass any time now, Carmine.' ~ Marion Wormer
'And most recently of all, a "Roman Toga Party" was held from which we have received more than two dozen reports of individual acts of perversion SO profound and disgusting that decorum prohibits listing them here.' ~ Neidermeyer
'Otis, my man!' ~ Boon
'Greg, honey, is it supposed to be this soft?' ~ Babs
'Grab a brew. Don't cost nothin'.' ~ Bluto
'Dad! Mom, Dad, this is Larry Kroger. The boy who molested me last month. We have to get married.' ~ Clorette De Pasto
'Ramming speed!' ~ D-Day
'I hate those guys.' ~ Dean Wormer
'Food fight!' ~ Dean Wormer
'Do you mind if we dance with your dates?' ~ Dude At Club

Apocolypse Faber

D-Day: 'War's over, man. Wormer dropped the big one.'
Bluto: 'Over? Did you say "over"? Nothing is over until we decide it is! Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor? Hell no!'
Otter: 'Germans?'
Boon: 'Forget it, he's rolling.'
Bluto: 'And it ain't over now. 'Cause when the goin' gets tough...the tough get goin'! Who's with me? Let's go!'
Bluto: 'What the fuck happened to the Delta I used to know? Where's the spirit? Where's the guts, huh? This could be the greatest night of our lives, but you're gonna let it be the worst. "Ooh, we're afraid to go with you Bluto, we might get in trouble." Well just kiss my ass from now on! Not me! I'm not gonna take this. Wormer, he's a dead man! Marmalard, dead! Niedermeyer...'
Otter: 'Dead! Bluto's right. Psychotic, but absolutely right. We gotta take these bastards. Now we could do it with conventional weapons that could take years and cost millions of lives. No, I think we have to go all out. I think that this situation absolutely requires a really futile and stupid gesture be done on somebody's part.'
Bluto: 'We're just the guys to do it.'
D-Day: 'Let's do it.'
Bluto: 'Let’s do it!'

Patriot Games

Otter: 'Point of parliamentary procedure!'
Hoover: 'Don't screw around, they're serious this time!'
Otter: 'Take it easy, I'm pre-law.'
Boon: 'I thought you were pre-med.'
Otter: 'What's the difference?'
Otter: 'Ladies and gentlemen, I'll be brief. The issue here is not whether we broke a few rules, or took a few liberties with our female party guests - we did.'
Otter: 'But you can't hold a whole fraternity responsible for the behavior of a few, sick twisted individuals. For if you do, then shouldn't we blame the whole fraternity system? And if the whole fraternity system is guilty, then isn't this an indictment of our educational institutions in general? I put it to you, Greg - isn't this an indictment of our entire American society? Well, you can do whatever you want to us, but we're not going to sit here and listen to you badmouth the United States of America. Gentlemen!'

Bending The Truth (And Some Sheet Metal)

D-Day: 'Hey, quit your blubberin'. When I get through with this baby you won't even recognize it.'
Otter: 'Flounder, you can't spend your whole life worrying about your mistakes! You fucked up - you trusted us! Hey, make the best of it! Maybe we can help.'
Flounder: 'That's easy for you to say! What am I going to tell Fred?'
Otter: 'I'll tell you what. We'll tell Fred you were doing a great job taking care of his car, but you parked it out back last night and in the morning, it was gone. We report it to the police, your brother's insurance company buys him a new car. D-Day takes care of the wreck.'
Flounder: 'Will that work?'
Otter: 'Hey, it's gotta work better than the truth.'
Bluto: 'My advice to you is to start drinking heavily.'
Otter: 'Better listen to him, Flounder, he's in pre-med.'
D-Day: 'There you go now, just leave everything to me.'

Prize-Winning Produce

Eric 'Otter' Stratton: 'Mine's bigger.'
Eric 'Otter' Stratton: 'My cucumber. It's bigger. I think vegetables can be very sensuous, don't you?'
Marion Wormer: 'No, vegetables are sensual. People are sensuous.'
Eric 'Otter' Stratton: 'Right. Sensual. That's what I meant. My name's Eric Stratton. People call me Otter.'
Marion Wormer: 'My name's Marion. People call me Mrs. Wormer.'
Eric 'Otter' Stratton: 'Oh, we have a Dean Wormer at Faber.'
Marion Wormer: 'How interesting. I have a husband named Dean Wormer at Faber. Still want to show me your cucumber?'

Animal House (1978)

Dean Wormer: 'Greg, what is the worst fraternity on this campus?'
Greg Marmalard: 'Well that would be hard to say, sir. They're each outstanding in their own way.'
Dean Wormer: 'Cut the horseshit, son. I've got their disciplinary files right here. Who dropped a whole truckload of fizzies into the swim meet? Who delivered the medical school cadavers to the alumni dinner? Every Halloween, the trees are filled with underwear. Every spring, the toilets explode.'
Greg Marmalard: 'You're talking about Delta, sir.'
Dean Wormer: 'Of course I'm talking about Delta, you Twerp! This year, it's gonna be different. This year we'll grab the bull by the balls...and kick those punks off campus!'
Greg Marmalard: 'What do you intend to do, sir? Delta's already on probation.'
Dean Wormer: 'They are?'
Greg Marmalard: 'Yes, sir.'
Dean Wormer: 'Oh....Then as of now, they're on double secret probation!'

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Dreaming Of Autopilot

Tony Giardino: 'What are you doing? Wake up!'
Pilot: 'Ooooh man! I was having an amazing dream!'
Tony Giardino: 'I don't care about your dream! Land the plane!'
Pilot: 'I was just born, and... I was eight-and-a-half months premature. The doctors were freakin' out.'
Tony Giardino: 'Oh please, shut up!'
Pilot: 'Did I already tell you this dream?'

Pilot Error

Tony Giardino: 'How the hell do you even know if you're going in the right direction?'
Pilot: 'Instruments, instruments!'
Tony Giardino: 'Oh yeah? Yeah? What's that?'
Pilot: 'That's the artificial horizon, which is better than the actual horizon.'

Terror At 10,000 Feet

Tony Giardino: 'Hey listen. How long is it gonna take us to get there?'
Pilot: 'It shouldn't take very long.'
Pilot: 'Actually I have no concept of time.'
Tony Giardino: 'Geez, is this dangerous?'
Pilot: 'No. Well, you know there's chance in everything.'
Tony Giardino: 'Look I don't wanna get too personal or anything but you've done this before, right?'
Pilot: 'Oh yeah, yeah. I do this all the time.'
Pilot: 'I've never done it at night.'

Monday, September 7, 2009

Axes To Grind

'Now this is something the other tour guides won't tell you. In this particular cell-block, Machine Gun Kelly had what we call in the prison system, a "bitch". And one night in a jealous rage Kelly took a make-shift knife or "shiv", and cut out the bitch's eyes. And as if this wasn't enough retribution for Kelly, the next day he and four other inmates took turns pissing into the bitch's ocular cavities. This way to the cafeteria!' ~ John Johnson
'Come, let us dance like children of the night!' ~ Charlie Mackenzie
'Alright, we have a piper who's down. It's alright, he's just pissed. We have a piper down, I repeat, a piper is down!' ~ Stuart Mackenzie
'Charlie, two words: therapy.' ~ Tony Giardino
'My name is John Johnson but everyone here calls me Vicki.' ~ John Johnson
'Alright, give your mother a kiss, or I'll kick your teeth in.' ~ Stuart Mackenzie
'I'm not kidding, that boy's head is like Sputnik; spherical but quite pointy at parts! Now that was offside, wasn't it? He'll be crying himself to sleep tonight, on his huge pillow.' ~ Stuart Mackenzie
'I'm smitten. I'm in deep smit.' ~ Charlie Mackenzie
'HEED! PANTS! NOW!' ~ Stuart Mackenzie
'Woman! Woah-man! Wooaahhhhh-man! We had love, not just sex. Is she Mrs. X? I had to run for my life. Jane, get me off of this crazy thing called love.' ~ Charlie Mackenzie
'Hey Paisane! You screw up one more time I'm going to kick your spaghetti bending butt back to Milan!' ~ Police Chief
'Lighten up, Charlie. You've got a pickle up your ass again.' ~ May Mackenzie

Thursday, September 3, 2009

Dirty Harry Dreams

Police Chief: 'Tony? I don't want to intrude, but you seem a little down.'
Tony Giardino: 'Well, Captain, it's about my job.'
Police Chief: 'Ah.'
Tony Giardino: 'I'm having doubts about being a cop. You know, it's not like how it is on TV. All I do all day is fill out forms and paperwork. I mean, this is what I do.'
Police Chief: 'It's a point well taken, Tony. But you must understand, although it's not exciting, it's a very important part of our work.'
Tony Giardino: 'Yeah, but in all my times as a cop, I've never gotten to, like, chase a guy across a crowded city square. I've never... I've never hung on to that part of a helicopter. You know that part? Underneath, the thing that it lands on? Do you, do you know that part?'
Police Chief: 'Yes, I know that part.'
Tony Giardino: 'I've never hung onto that. I've never even commandeered a vehicle.'
Police Chief: 'Now that sounds like a lot of fun.'
Tony Giardino: 'And that's the other thing. You're too nice.'
Police Chief: 'I'm too nice?'
Tony Giardino: 'Yeah, you're too nice. Why can't you be like the Captain on "Starsky and Hutch"? You know, when you come in, and you haul me into your office, and you bawl me out because you're sick and tired of defending my screwball antics to the Commissioner? Why cant you do that?'
Police Chief: 'Well, the truth of the matter is, I don't report to a Commissioner. I report to a committee. Some of whom are appointed, some elected, and the rest co-opted on a bi-annual basis. It's a quorum, so to speak.'
Tony Giardino: 'A quorum?'
Police Chief: 'Yeah.'
Tony Giardino: 'Captain, when I joined the police force, I thought I was going to be Serpico. But instead, I'm like... Fish from Barney Miller.'
Police Chief: 'Hey. Somebody needs a hug!'

Mr. Sensitive

Obituary Writer: 'There's another one here. Native San Franciscan. Plumber. Elliot, Ralph. Moved to Dallas, disappeared four months ago, body was found in a sewer.'
Newspaper Employee: 'Well, guy takes his job too seriously, life goes down the drain.'
Charlie Mackenzie: 'Did they mention anything about his wife?'
Newspaper Employee: 'All right, okay. Look, I know that we're talking about real people here. I'm sorry.'
Charlie Mackenzie: 'No no, I'm serious. Did they mention the wife?'
Newspaper Employee: 'Look, I'm sorry you know. You know, I didn't mean to make a joke about other people's lives.'
Charlie Mackenzie: 'No no, I'm really serious. Did they mention the wife?'
Newspaper Employee: 'You win, you win okay? I'm a bad person!'
Obituary Writer: 'Just take it easy!'
Newspaper Employee: 'No, he's sayin' I'm insensitive! He's sayin' I'm a shit!'
Obituary Writer: 'He's not sayin' you're a shit!'
Charlie Mackenzie: 'Did they mention the wife? Did they mention the wife?'
Newspaper Employee:' No! No! They didn't mention the wife! Ya happy?'
Newspaper Employee: 'Yeah! Oh yes, yeah. I'm insensitive! I'm a very insensitive man! Stop you're job, look at the insensitive man! That's what they're paying you for!'
Obituary Writer: 'He was my ride home.'
Charlie Mackenzie: 'Understood.'

Is That Charles Grodin?

Tony Giardino: 'Excuse me sir, I'm with the San Francisco police department, this is official police business. I would like to commandeer this vehicle!'
Driver: 'No.'
Tony Giardino: 'What do you mean, "no"?'
Driver: 'I happen to know for a fact that you don't have the right to commandeer my vehicle.'
Tony Giardino: 'Please, can I commandeer this vehicle?'
Driver: 'No.'
Tony Giardino: 'You're just - you're just not going to bend on this commandeering thing are you?'
Driver: 'No.'

The Trilateral (Plus Two) Commission

Stuart Mackenzie: 'Well, it's a well known fact, Sonny Jim, that there's a secret society of the five wealthiest people in the world, known as The Pentavirate, who run everything in the world, including the newspapers, and meet tri-annually at a secret country mansion in Colorado, known as The Meadows.'
Tony Giardino: 'So who's in this Pentavirate?'
Stuart Mackenzie: 'The Queen, The Vatican, The Gettys, The Rothschilds, and Colonel Sanders before he went tits up. Oh, I hated the Colonel with is wee beady eyes, and that smug look on his face. "Oh, you're gonna buy my chicken! Ohhhhh!"'
Charlie Mackenzie: 'Dad, how can you hate "The Colonel"?'
Stuart Mackenzie: 'Because he puts an addictive chemical in his chicken that makes ya crave it fortnightly, smartass!'

The Main Stream Media

Charlie Mackenzie: 'Hey Mom, I find it interesting that you refer to the Weekly World News as, "The paper." The paper contains facts.'
May Mackenzie: 'This paper contains facts. And this paper has the eighth highest circulation in the whole wide world. Right? Plenty of facts. "Pregnant man gives birth." That's a fact.'

Obligatory Starsky And Hutch Reference

Charlie Mackenzie: 'So Tony, what's the deal with your clothes?'
Tony Giardino: 'What do ya mean?'
Charlie Mackenzie: 'You look like Huggy Bear from Starsky and Hutch.'
Tony Giardino: 'What do ya mean? I look hip!'
Charlie Mackenzie: 'No no no no no no, you look like an undercover cop trying to look hip.'
Tony Giardino: 'I am an undercover cop trying to look hip.'

Wednesday, September 2, 2009


Stuart Mackenzie: 'Look at the size of that boy's heed.'
Tony Giardino: 'Shhh!'
Stuart Mackenzie: 'I'm not kidding, it's like an orange on a toothpick.'
Tony Giardino: 'Shhh, you're going to give the boy a complex.'
Stuart Mackenzie: 'Well, that's a huge noggin. That's a virtual planetoid.'
Tony Giardino: 'Shh!'
Stuart Mackenzie: 'Has it's own weather system.'
Tony Giardino: 'Sh, sh, shh.'
Stuart Mackenzie: 'HEED! MOVE!'

So I Married An Axe Murderer (1993)

Charlie Mackenzie: 'Excuse me, miss? There seems to be a mistake. I believe I ordered the large cappuccino. Hello! Look at the size of this thing.'
Tony Giardino: 'It's practically a bowl.'
Charlie Mackenzie: 'It's like Campbell's Cup-O'-ccino!'