Andy the Drunk

Andy: 'You know the thing about relationships is that they make one person go, "Blah blah blah blah blah," and the other person go, "What are you talking about?" And then one person goes, "Blah blah blah blah blah."'
Cal: 'How much have you had to drink, man?'
Andy: 'Oh, how much have I had to drink? Hey, how many pots have you smoken?'
Cal: 'What are you talking about?'
Andy: 'Oh, how many times have you gone to the bathroom in your life? Let me ask you that. You know what, you don't have an answer for that, do you? Who the fuck you, man? I'm sorry. No, no, no, no, you're such a good guy, and I appreciate you.'

Taking Off The Sweater

Waxing Lady: 'So this is your first time getting body wax?'
Andy: 'Yes. Yes, it is.'
Waxing Lady: 'Take off your shirt.'
Andy: 'Ok.'
Waxing Lady: 'Oh, we gonna need more wax!'
Cal: 'I'm staying. This is gonna be good.'
Waxing Lady: 'And clear all my appointments in the afternoon!'

Words To Live By

'I hope you have a big trunk, because I'm puttin' my bike in it.' ~ Andy
'You're putting the pussy on a pedestal.' ~ Jay
'I love your sweater. Does that come in a V-neck?' ~ David
'If she starts waxing his pubes, I'm outta here.' ~ Cal
'"Gandhi" baked is good. I always feel bad when I watch it baked because I get really hungry and I'm eating a lot and poor Gandhi is starving his ass off.' ~ Cal
'He sold his old toys for over half a million dollars! We gotta get some fucking toys!' ~ Jay
'Tell me something, when your child is born, is he already on parole?' ~ Mooj
'You should keep your ho on a leash.' ~ Andy
'So, tell me, Montel. Why weren't we invited to the party? What are we, Al Qaeda?' ~ Haziz
'Dude, it's not a big deal that you like to fuck guys. I'm cool, I got friends who fuck guys, in jail.' ~ Jay
'Where do you put the penis?' ~ Andy
'Dude, you look like a man-o-lantern.' ~ David
'She had hands as big as Andre the Giant's, and she had an Adam's apple as big as her balls.' ~ Andy
'There were two sides to that billboard, and they both hurt equally.' ~ Andy
'You know what's a fun game? Take 3 Excedrin PM's and see if you can whack off before you fall asleep. You always win, that's the best part about the game.' ~ Cal

The 40 Year Old Virgin (2005)

Cal: 'You're gay, now?'
David: 'No, I'm not gay. I'm just celibate.'
Cal: 'I think, I mean, that sounds gay. I just want you to know this is, like, the first conversation of, like, three conversations that leads to you being gay. Like, there's this and then in a year it's like, "Oh, you know, I'm kinda gonna want to get back out there, but I think I like guys," and then there's the big, "Oh, I'm, I'm, I'm a gay guy now."'
David: 'You're gay for saying that.'
Cal: 'I'm gay for saying that?'
David: 'You know how I know you're gay?'
Cal: 'How? How do you know I'm gay?'
David: 'Because you macramed yourself a pair of jean shorts.'
Cal: 'You know how I know you're gay? You just told me you're not sleeping with women any more.'
David: 'You know how I know you're gay?'
Cal: 'How? Cause you're gay? And you can tell who other gay people are?'
David: 'You know how I know you're gay?'
Cal: 'How?'
David: 'You like Coldplay.'