The Always Helpful Charles De Mar

Lane: 'Look Charles, I gotta do this. If I don't, I'll be nothing. I'll end up like my neighbor Ricky Smith. He just sits around crocheting all day and snorting nasal spray.'
Charles: 'He snorts nasal spray? Know where I can score some?'
Lane: 'Are you gonna help me or not?'

Even Better Quotes

'Well honk my hooter!' ~ Lane
'And dying when you're not really sick is really sick, you know. Really!' ~ Charles
'Suicide is never the answer little trooper.' ~ Charles
'Fronch dressing. Fronch fries. Fronch bread. And to drink, Peru!' ~ Mrs. Meyer
'You would do well to do as mother says, Lane Meyer.' ~ Ricky
'Hey Badger, your book on how to pick-up trashy women came today. Tell me something what's a little boy like you doing with big boy smut like this.' ~ Mailman
'Jenny, this is fabulous liqueur! Reminds me of the moonshine Ricky's pappy used to make.' ~ Mrs. Smith
'Two brothers. One speaks no English, the other learned English from watching "The Wide World of Sports." Now you tell me which is better: speaking no English at all or speaking Howard Cosell?' ~ Lane
'They're out there dad, they're after me!' ~ Lane
'Truly a sight to behold. A man beaten. The once great champ, now, a study in moppishness. No longer the victory hungry stallion we've raced so many times before, but a pathetic, washed up, aged ex-champion.' ~ Yee Sook Ree

Pure As The Driven Snow

Charles: 'Oh! Ugh! Outrageous! This is pure snow! It's everywhere!'
Charles: 'I think I just froze the left half of my brain!'
Charles: 'Look! I can't move my right arm!'
Lane: 'This isn't funny, Charles! If I don't have a dream, I have nothing!'
Charles: 'Ah, come on! It's Christmas Eve! I could be home right now, drinking this monster eggnog my brother makes with lighter fluid.'

Those Roaming Testicles

Monique: 'He keeps putting his testicles all over me.'
Lane: 'Excuse me?'
Monique: 'You know, like octopus? Testicles?'
Lane: 'Ohhhh. Tentacles. N-T. Big Difference.'

Better Quotes

'This is pure snow! Do you have any idea what the street value of this mountain is?' ~ Charles
'Gee, I'm really sorry your mom blew up, Ricky, guess she won't be able to eat any spicy foods for awhile.' ~ Lane
'You ski the K-12 dude, and girls will go sterile just looking at you!' ~ Charles
'Look Beth, I gotta go. The Christmas tree is on fire!' ~ Lane
'Go that way, really fast. If something gets in your way, turn.' ~ Charles
'She only speaks French, Roy. She doesn't speak imbecile.' ~ Lane
'I've been going to this high school for seven and a half years. I'm no dummy. I know high school girls.' ~ Charles
'Lane, Can I take Beth out?' ~ Mr.Kerber, Mailman, Barney Rubble
'Come on Lane, mellow off. You're really bringing me over, man.' ~ Mr. Myer
'I want my two dollars!' ~ Johnny
'I really think it's in my best interest if I went out with someone more popular.' ~ Beth

Better Off Dead (1985)

Lane: 'Sorry Johnny, I don't have a dime.'
Johnny: 'Didn't ask for a dime. Two dollars.'
Lane: 'My little brother got his arm stuck in the microwave. So my mom had to take him to the hospital. My grandma dropped acid this morning, and she freaked out. She hijacked a busload of penguins. So it's sort of a family crisis. Bye!'