The Wit And Wisdom of Cal Naughton Jr.

'I like to think of Jesus as a mischievous badger.'
'Shake and bake!'
'I like to think of Jesus as an Ice Dancer, dressed in an all-white jumpsuit, and doing an interpretive dance of my life.'
'So when you say psychosomatic, you mean like he could start a fire with his thoughts?'
'I had a dream where Jesus was a dirty old bum, and I was about to sock him in the face because, well he's a dirty old bum, but then I thought, there's something special about him...'
'Remember that time in tenth grade when we got kicked out of class for playing with Matchbox cars? Who's the retard now?'
'There is something I want to get off my chest. It's about that summer, when you went away to community college. I got an offer to do Playgirl Magazine, and I did it. I did a full spread for Playgirl Magazine. I mean spread man, I pulled my butt apart and stuff. I was totally nude. it was weird, I... I mean you probably didn't hear about it because I went under the name of Mike Honcho. But I just wanted you to know that. If you can hear me, if it got into your brain somehow. That I spread my buttcheeks as Mike Honcho.'
'I like to picture Jesus in a tuxedo T-Shirt because it says I want to be formal, but I'm here to party.'
'I like to think of Jesus like with giant eagles wings, and singin' lead vocals for Lynyrd Skynyrd with like an angel band and I'm in the front row and I'm hammered drunk!'
'Please don't let the invisible fire burn my friend!'