A Killing Spree Narrowly Averted

Sandy: 'I want you to kill every gophers on the golf course!'
Carl Spackler: 'Correct me if I'm wrong Sandy, but if I kill all the golfers, they're gonna lock me up and throw away the key.'
Sandy: 'Not golfers, you great fool! Gophers! The little brown furry rodents!
Carl Spackler: 'We can do that; we don't even have to have a reason. All right, let's do the same thing, but with gophers!'

Taking the Measure of Ty

'Thank you very little.' ~ Ty Webb
'You're not, you're not good, Al. You stink.' ~ Ty Webb
'What brings you to this nape of the woods, neck of the wape; How come you're here?' ~ Ty Webb
'Remember Danny - Two wrongs don't make a right but three rights make a left.' ~ Ty Webb
'I'm going to give you a little advice. There's a force in the universe that makes things happen. And all you have to do is get in touch with it, stop thinking, let things happen, and be the ball.' ~ Ty Webb
'Don't be obsessed with your desires Danny. The Zen philosopher Basha once wrote, 'A flute with no holes, is not a flute. A donut with no hole, is a Danish.' He was a funny guy.' ~ Ty Webb
'You don't have to go to college. This isn't Russia. Is this Russia? This isn't Russia.' ~ Ty Webb
'You're rather attractive for a beautiful girl with a great body.' ~ Ty Webb
'Your Uncle molests collies.' ~ Ty Webb
'I was born to love you. I was born to lick your face. I was born to rub you, but you were born to rub me first.' ~ Ty Webb
'See your future Danny. May, may, may, make it. Make your future. Danny, I'm a, I'm a veg.' ~ Ty Webb

Al Deserves a Little Respect

'Last time I saw a mouth like that, it had a hook in it.' ~ Al Czervik
'Hey, doll. Could you scare up another round for our table over here? And tell the cook this is low grade dog food. I've had better food at the ballgame, you know? This steak still has marks from where the jockey was hitting it.' ~ Al Czervik
'Oh, this your wife, huh? A lovely lady. Hey baby, you must've been something before electricity.' ~ Al Czervik
'You're a lot of woman, you know that? You wanna make 14 dollars the hard way?' ~ Al Czervik
'While we're young.' ~ Al Czervik
'He called me a baboon, he thinks I'm his wife.' ~ Al Czervik
'Whoa, did somebody step on a duck?' ~ Al Czervik
'Hey, you scratched my anchor!' ~ Al Czervik
'Hey, that kangaroo just took my ball!' ~ Al Czervik
'I hear this place is restricted, Wang, so don't tell 'em you're Jewish, okay?' ~ Al Czervik
'Oh, this is the worst-looking hat I ever saw. What, when you buy a hat like this I bet you get a free bowl of soup, huh? Oh, it looks good on you though.' ~ Al Czervik
'Hey everybody, we're all gonna get laid.' ~ Al Czervik
'Hey Moose, Rocko, help the Judge find his checkbook.' ~ Al Czervik

Competition?

Judge Smails: 'You know, you should play with Dr. Beeper and myself. I mean, he's been club champion for three years running and I'm no slouch myself.'
Ty: 'Don't sell yourself short Judge, you're a tremendous slouch.'

Spaulding!

Judge Smails: 'Spaulding, get dressed you're playing golf.'
Spalding: 'No I'm not grandpa I'm playing tennis.'
Judge Smails: 'You're playing golf and you're going to like it!'
Spalding: 'What about my asthma?'
Judge Smails: 'I'll give you asthma.'

Here Comes the Judge

'Do you stand for goodness, or - for badness?' ~ Judge Smails
'Don't you people have homes?' ~ Judge Smails
'Spalding get your foot off the boat!' ~ Judge Smails
'Oh Porterhouse, look at the wax build up on these shoes I want that wax stripped off there, then I want them creamed and buffed with a fine chamois, and I want them now. Chop chop.' ~ Judge Smails
'How about a Fresca?' ~ Judge Smails
'I've sentenced boys younger than you to the gas chamber. Didn't want to do it. I felt I owed it to them.' ~ Judge Smails
'Don't you people have jobs?' ~ Judge Smails
'Danny, I'm having a party this weekend. How would you like to come over and mow my lawn?' ~ Judge Smails
'Well, we're waiting!' ~ Judge Smails
'The man's a menace!' ~ Judge Smails
'I think it's time for the ol' Billy Baroo.' ~ Judge Smails
'Are you my pal, Danny?' ~ Judge Smails

The Wisdom of Carl Spackler

'He's on his final hole. He's about 455 yards away, he's gonna hit about a 2 iron I think.'
'Cinderella story. Outta nowhere. A former greenskeeper, now, about to become the Masters champion. It looks like a mirac... It's in the hole! It's in the hole! It's in the hole!'
'This is a hybrid. This is a cross, ah, of Bluegrass, Kentucky Bluegrass, Featherbed Bent, and Northern California Sensemilia. The amazing stuff about this is, that you can play 36 holes on it in the afternoon, take it home and just get stoned to the bejeezus-belt that night on this stuff.'
'Oh Mrs. Crane, you're a little monkey woman. Yeah, you're lean, mean, and I bet you're not too far in between are ya. How'd you like to wrap your spikes around my...'
'This crowd has gone deadly silent, a Cinderella story outta nowhere. Former greenskeeper and now about to become the masters champion.'
'Bark like a dog.'
'I have to laugh, because I've outsmarted even myself. My enemy, my foe, is an animal. In order to conquer the animal, I have to learn to think like an animal. And, whenever possible, to look like one. I've gotta get inside this guy's pelt and crawl around for a few days.'
'Freeze Gopher!'
'I smell varmint poontang. And the only good varmint poontang is dead varmint poontang, I think.'
'In the immortal words of Jean Paul Sartre, 'Au revoir, gopher'.'
'License to kill gophers by the government of the United Nations. Man, free to kill gophers at will. To kill, you must know your enemy, and in this case my enemy is a varmint. And a varmint will never quit - ever. They're like the Viet Cong - Varmint Cong. So you have to fall back on superior intelligence and superior firepower. And that's all she wrote.'
'Who's the gopher's ally. His friends. The harmless squirrel and the friendly rabbit.'
'A looper, you know, a caddy, a looper, a jock. So, I tell them I'm a pro jock, and who do you think they give me? The Dalai Lama, himself. Twelfth son of the Lama. The flowing robes, the grace, bald... striking. So, I'm on the first tee with him. I give him the driver. He hauls off and whacks one - big hitter, the Lama - long, into a ten-thousand foot crevasse, right at the base of this glacier. Do you know what the Lama says? Gunga galunga... gunga, gunga-lagunga. So we finish the eighteenth and he's gonna stiff me. And I say, "Hey, Lama, hey, how about a little something, you know, for the effort, you know." And he says, "Oh, uh, there won't be any money, but when you die, on your deathbed, you will receive total consciousness." So I got that goin' for me, which is nice.'

Caddyshack (1980)

Al Czervik: 'What're we waiting for, these guys? Hey Whitey, where's your hat?'
Judge Smails: 'Do you mind, sir. I'm trying to tee off.'
Al Czervik: 'I'll bet you a hundred bucks you slice it into the woods.'
Judge Smails: 'Gambling is illegal at Bushwood sir, and I never slice.'
Judge Smails: 'Damn.'
Al Czervik: 'OK, you can owe me.'
Judge Smails: 'I owe you nothing.'