How to Succeed in Business

'You outwork, outthink, outscheme and outmanuever. You make no friends. You trust nobody. And you make damn sure you're the smartest guy in the room whenever the subject of money comes up.'

An Honest Assessment

Brian: 'I'm willing to start at the bottom.'
Interviewer: 'You're aiming too high.'

Know Yourself

Brian: 'Listen, I'm sorry I called you a bitch.'
Eleanor: 'Why? I am a bitch.'

Louis XIII de Rémy Martin

Brian: 'Should we let it breathe?'
Doug: 'It hasn't breathed for fifty years, it's dead. Let's just drink it'

Coughlin's Laws

'Douglas Coughlin, Logical Negativist. Flourished in the last part of the 20th Century. Propounded a set of laws the world generally ignores, to its detriment.'
'Coughlin's Law; Anything else is always something better.'
'Coughlin's law: never tell tales about a woman. No matter how far away she is, she'll always hear you.'
'Coughlin's Law; Bury the dead, they stink up the place.'
'Coughlin's diet: cocktails and dreams.'
'Coughlin's Law: Never show surprise, never lose your cool.'
'I don't care how liberated this world becomes - a man will always be judged by the amount of alcohol he can consume - and a woman will be impressed, whether she likes it or not.'
'However, falling down the stairs is allowed!'
'As for the rest of Coughlin's Laws, ignore them. The guy was always full of shit.'

Overheard at the Bar

'When you see the color of their panties, you know you've got talent. Stick with me son and I'll make you a star.' ~ Doug
'Days get shorter and shorter, nights longer and longer, before you know it, your life is just one long night with a few comatose daylight hours.' ~ Brain
'Workers never hustle, and hustlers never work. You, my friend, are a worker.' ~ Doug
'This place is a proctologist's dream. Wall to wall assholes.' ~ Doug
'Beer is for breakfast young Flannigan, drink or be gone.' ~ Doug
'You bitch! Why didn't you just say a rum and Coke?!' ~ Brian
'Everything ends badly, otherwise, it would never end.' ~ Brian
'The money's gone, the brain is shot. But the liquor, we still got.' ~ Doug

About the Waitresses

Brian: 'You're offering me a job?'
Doug: 'Uh huh.'
Brian: 'The waitresses hate me!'
Doug: 'You wait till you've given them crabs. Then you'll really know hatred.'

Cocktail (1988)

Brian: 'I'm looking for the Manager.'
Doug: 'What's the problem? Did you find a hair in your quiche?'
Brian: 'No, I'm looking for a job.'
Doug: 'Ah, you'd like to put a hair in somebody else's quiche.'