Random Sweetness

'Look, Byron, I want to be honest with you. Before I came down from the room, I took a half a pound of Vicodin, so I'm going to be really comfortable until about late March.' ~ Eddie
'Life is a cookie.' ~ Wellness Guide
'People have no idea what it's like being me. Did we brush my teeth?' ~ Gwen
'You're the devil.' ~ Eddie
'Ooh, pussy boy gonna splat!' ~ Hector
'Eddie, the next time you try to kill yourself, just take a hairdryer into the bathtub.' ~ Lee
'Just smile and shut up.' ~ Gwen
'Love is a bridge built between two people. We want what exists between them to be real. My name is Hal Weidmann. The film you are about to see is Time Over Time, or is it? The details are unimportant. Simply put, the script was shit. I tossed it. I instead decided to let the camera capture real life. I filmed my actors without their knowledge. I let the camera run after takes. I placed hidden cameras around the set. The end result is a story far more involving than anything manufactured by actors and writers. This is real life. The juice. The stink. The glory' ~ Hal Weidmann
'How can you be in love with someone and not even like them at the same time?' ~ Eddie
'I really want to play a character like the Terminator, you know, because I think the Hispanic people are crying out to see a deadly, destructive, killing machine that they can embrace as their own, you know, that they can relate to...' ~ Hector
'You probably read in People Magazine that I'm on Zoloft.' ~ Eddie
'Eddie's really good... and he's my pillar of strength, you know. It's like Sodom and Gomorrah' ~ Gwen
'I tried to walk away, but the guy just kept pushing. So I hit him in the tray with my face.' ~ Eddie
'Felix, this is Oscar. The monkey is in daycare. Repeat, the monkey is in daycare.' ~ Danny
'He's gonna be a pussy pancake.' ~ Hector
'Survival rule number three, kid: You're not here to love anyone. You're here to promote a movie. That's it. Period. Say you're here and you get word that your mother died. You know, like, hit by a bus or something. You go downstairs, you shed a tear, and you say, "It's a shame. She would have loved this movie.' ~ Lee
'Can I just say something please? Excuse me. What was said about my penis on the screen... that is completely false. Completely! I am extremely well hung. I will submit to a physical inspection right now.' ~ Hector
'They liked the movie. The press actually liked this crazy movie. They're calling it the "Blair Bitch Project".' ~ Lee

Who's On First?

Lee: 'So, do you want to arrive first or second?'
Eddie: 'Second.'
Lee: 'Be right back.'
Lee: 'He wants to go second.'
Kiki: 'Let him go second.'
Gwen: He can go second. No, wait a minute. He should go first. I don't want to look like his opening act. I want to go second.'
Kiki: 'She wants to go second.'
Lee: 'Second it is.'
Lee: 'She wants to go second.'
Eddie: 'Fine, let her come second. I don't care. Let her come behind me. That way she'll be able to see the knife she stuck in my back.'
Lee: 'Thank you.'
Kiki: 'Second? We're all set.'
Gwen: 'Who cares?'
Kiki: 'She doesn't care.'
Gwen: 'Yes, I do! I'm going first!'
Eddie: 'I don't care! I don't care! Why is this an issue?'
Lee: 'I'm just trying to facilitate the...'
Eddie: 'I don't care! Can we just get to the hotel?'
Lee: 'You're going second.'
Eddie: 'I don't care! I don't care! I don't care! I don't care!'
Lee: 'You're going second. Eddie? You're going second.'
Eddie: 'I don't care.'
Lee: 'Okay. Thank you.'

The Frugal Gourmet

Eddie: 'I don't know why they call this stuff hamburger helper. It does just fine by itself, huh? I like it better than tuna helper myself, don't you, Clark?'
Clark: 'You're the gourmet around here, Eddie.'

Back Seat Conversation?

'Is this your idea of a good restaurant? Dog killer!' ~ Aunt Edna
'O God, ease our suffering in this, our moment of great dispair. Yea, admit this kind and decent woman into thy arms of thine heavenly area, up there. And Moab, he lay us upon the band of the Canaanites, and yea, though the Hindus speak of karma, I implore you: give her a break.' ~ Clark
'Do you ever "bop your baloney"?' ~ Cousin Dale
'Russ, please don't eat the Truckster.' ~ Clark
'I don't give a frog's fat ass who went through what. We need money! Hey, Russ, wanna look through Aunt Edna's purse?' ~ Clark
'I got laid off when they closed that asbestos factory, and wouldn't you know it, the army cuts my disability pension because they said that the plate in my head wasn't big enough.' ~ Eddie
'Hey, hey, easy kids. Everybody in the car. Boat leaves in two minutes. Or perhaps you don't want to see the second largest ball of twine on the face of the earth, which is only four short hours away?' ~ Clark
'I'm making out a check for $1000, all you have to do is give me $300 in cash and keep the $700, all for doing nothing more than acting like a total creep.' ~ Clark
'She breathed on me! A dead person breathed on me!' ~ Audrey
'Roll 'em up!' ~ Clark