Best Of Clark

'This is no longer a vacation. It's a quest, a quest for fun. I'm gonna have fun and your gonna have fun. We're gonna have so much fucking fun they're gonna need plastic surgeons to remove the smiles from our fucking faces. We'll be whistling zippity-doo-dah out of our ass holes' ~ Clark
'Come on, Honey. We can't close our eyes to the plight of the city. Kids, you noticing all this plight?' ~ Clark
'We can't miss the Grand Canyon, it's the biggest god damn hole in the world.' ~ Clark
'I'm not your ordinary everyday fool.' ~ Clark
'That's the Missippi, the mighty missip, the old miss, the old man.' ~ Clark

Car Repair Blues

1st Mechanic: 'Ain't never seen anyone so shit-all stupid as you driving off that road. You musta got manure for your brains.'
Clark: 'Yeah, well, we're from out of town. How much do I owe you?'
2nd Mechanic: 'How much you got?'
Clark: 'No, I'm asking how much the repairs are.'
2nd Mechanic: 'I'm asking how much you got!'
Clark: 'You're out of your mind. Look, I don't have time to fool around so how much is it?'
2nd Mechanic: 'All of it, boy!'
Clark: 'What does the sheriff think of your business practice?'

Meet The Truckster!

Car Salesman: 'I'll get to the bottom of this. Davenport!'
Davenport: 'Yes, Mr. Ed.'
Car Salesman: 'Mr. Griswold ordered a blue sports wagon, where is it?'
Davenport: 'I don't know sir.'
Car Salesman: 'I know what must have happened. It didn't come in.'
Clark: 'Ed, I'm not your average everyday fool. Now I want my blue sports wagon and if you can't get it I'm gonna take my business elsewhere! Where's my old car?'
Car Salesman: 'I'm just as upset as you are, believe me. Davenport! Get Mr. Griswald's car back and bring it back here! Now I can get you the wagon, there's not problem there. The problem is that it might take six weeks. Now, I owe it to myself to tell you that if you are thinking of taking the tribe cross country, this is your automobile. The Wagon Queen Family Truckster. You think you hate it now, wait 'til you drive it.'
Clark: 'I don't want to drive it. I just want my old car back. I'm not falling for this. Let's go, Russ.'

Skip the House of Mud?

Ellen: 'Clark, let's just skip the house of mud. I think Dodge City was enough fun for one day. Besides, Catherine and Eddie are expecting us.'
Clark: 'It's living history Ellen. But if you'd rather see your cousins. Personally I'd rather see a pile of mud than Eddie.'

The Frugal Gourmet

Eddie: 'I don't know why they call this stuff hamburger helper. It does just fine by itself, huh? I like it better than tuna helper myself, don't you, Clark?'
Clark: 'You're the gourmet around here, Eddie.'

Back Seat Conversation?

'Is this your idea of a good restaurant? Dog killer!' ~ Aunt Edna
'O God, ease our suffering in this, our moment of great dispair. Yea, admit this kind and decent woman into thy arms of thine heavenly area, up there. And Moab, he lay us upon the band of the Canaanites, and yea, though the Hindus speak of karma, I implore you: give her a break.' ~ Clark
'Do you ever "bop your baloney"?' ~ Cousin Dale
'Russ, please don't eat the Truckster.' ~ Clark
'I don't give a frog's fat ass who went through what. We need money! Hey, Russ, wanna look through Aunt Edna's purse?' ~ Clark
'I got laid off when they closed that asbestos factory, and wouldn't you know it, the army cuts my disability pension because they said that the plate in my head wasn't big enough.' ~ Eddie
'Hey, hey, easy kids. Everybody in the car. Boat leaves in two minutes. Or perhaps you don't want to see the second largest ball of twine on the face of the earth, which is only four short hours away?' ~ Clark
'I'm making out a check for $1000, all you have to do is give me $300 in cash and keep the $700, all for doing nothing more than acting like a total creep.' ~ Clark
'She breathed on me! A dead person breathed on me!' ~ Audrey
'Roll 'em up!' ~ Clark

National Lampoon's Vacation (1983)

Clark: 'Ed, this is not the car I ordered. I distinctly ordered the Antarctic Blue Super Sports Wagon with C.B. and optional rally fun pack.'
Car salesman: 'You didn't order the Metallic Pea?'