Axes To Grind

'Now this is something the other tour guides won't tell you. In this particular cell-block, Machine Gun Kelly had what we call in the prison system, a "bitch". And one night in a jealous rage Kelly took a make-shift knife or "shiv", and cut out the bitch's eyes. And as if this wasn't enough retribution for Kelly, the next day he and four other inmates took turns pissing into the bitch's ocular cavities. This way to the cafeteria!' ~ John Johnson
'Come, let us dance like children of the night!' ~ Charlie Mackenzie
'Alright, we have a piper who's down. It's alright, he's just pissed. We have a piper down, I repeat, a piper is down!' ~ Stuart Mackenzie
'Charlie, two words: therapy.' ~ Tony Giardino
'My name is John Johnson but everyone here calls me Vicki.' ~ John Johnson
'Alright, give your mother a kiss, or I'll kick your teeth in.' ~ Stuart Mackenzie
'I'm not kidding, that boy's head is like Sputnik; spherical but quite pointy at parts! Now that was offside, wasn't it? He'll be crying himself to sleep tonight, on his huge pillow.' ~ Stuart Mackenzie
'I'm smitten. I'm in deep smit.' ~ Charlie Mackenzie
'HEED! PANTS! NOW!' ~ Stuart Mackenzie
'Woman! Woah-man! Wooaahhhhh-man! We had love, not just sex. Is she Mrs. X? I had to run for my life. Jane, get me off of this crazy thing called love.' ~ Charlie Mackenzie
'Hey Paisane! You screw up one more time I'm going to kick your spaghetti bending butt back to Milan!' ~ Police Chief
'Lighten up, Charlie. You've got a pickle up your ass again.' ~ May Mackenzie

The Trilateral (Plus Two) Commission

Stuart Mackenzie: 'Well, it's a well known fact, Sonny Jim, that there's a secret society of the five wealthiest people in the world, known as The Pentavirate, who run everything in the world, including the newspapers, and meet tri-annually at a secret country mansion in Colorado, known as The Meadows.'
Tony Giardino: 'So who's in this Pentavirate?'
Stuart Mackenzie: 'The Queen, The Vatican, The Gettys, The Rothschilds, and Colonel Sanders before he went tits up. Oh, I hated the Colonel with is wee beady eyes, and that smug look on his face. "Oh, you're gonna buy my chicken! Ohhhhh!"'
Charlie Mackenzie: 'Dad, how can you hate "The Colonel"?'
Stuart Mackenzie: 'Because he puts an addictive chemical in his chicken that makes ya crave it fortnightly, smartass!'

HEED! MOVE!

Stuart Mackenzie: 'Look at the size of that boy's heed.'
Tony Giardino: 'Shhh!'
Stuart Mackenzie: 'I'm not kidding, it's like an orange on a toothpick.'
Tony Giardino: 'Shhh, you're going to give the boy a complex.'
Stuart Mackenzie: 'Well, that's a huge noggin. That's a virtual planetoid.'
Tony Giardino: 'Shh!'
Stuart Mackenzie: 'Has it's own weather system.'
Tony Giardino: 'Sh, sh, shh.'
Stuart Mackenzie: 'HEED! MOVE!'