Dreaming Of Autopilot

Tony Giardino: 'What are you doing? Wake up!'
Pilot: 'Ooooh man! I was having an amazing dream!'
Tony Giardino: 'I don't care about your dream! Land the plane!'
Pilot: 'I was just born, and... I was eight-and-a-half months premature. The doctors were freakin' out.'
Tony Giardino: 'Oh please, shut up!'
Pilot: 'Did I already tell you this dream?'

Pilot Error

Tony Giardino: 'How the hell do you even know if you're going in the right direction?'
Pilot: 'Instruments, instruments!'
Tony Giardino: 'Oh yeah? Yeah? What's that?'
Pilot: 'That's the artificial horizon, which is better than the actual horizon.'

Terror At 10,000 Feet

Tony Giardino: 'Hey listen. How long is it gonna take us to get there?'
Pilot: 'It shouldn't take very long.'
Pilot: 'Actually I have no concept of time.'
Tony Giardino: 'Geez, is this dangerous?'
Pilot: 'No. Well, you know there's chance in everything.'
Tony Giardino: 'Look I don't wanna get too personal or anything but you've done this before, right?'
Pilot: 'Oh yeah, yeah. I do this all the time.'
Pilot: 'I've never done it at night.'

Axes To Grind

'Now this is something the other tour guides won't tell you. In this particular cell-block, Machine Gun Kelly had what we call in the prison system, a "bitch". And one night in a jealous rage Kelly took a make-shift knife or "shiv", and cut out the bitch's eyes. And as if this wasn't enough retribution for Kelly, the next day he and four other inmates took turns pissing into the bitch's ocular cavities. This way to the cafeteria!' ~ John Johnson
'Come, let us dance like children of the night!' ~ Charlie Mackenzie
'Alright, we have a piper who's down. It's alright, he's just pissed. We have a piper down, I repeat, a piper is down!' ~ Stuart Mackenzie
'Charlie, two words: therapy.' ~ Tony Giardino
'My name is John Johnson but everyone here calls me Vicki.' ~ John Johnson
'Alright, give your mother a kiss, or I'll kick your teeth in.' ~ Stuart Mackenzie
'I'm not kidding, that boy's head is like Sputnik; spherical but quite pointy at parts! Now that was offside, wasn't it? He'll be crying himself to sleep tonight, on his huge pillow.' ~ Stuart Mackenzie
'I'm smitten. I'm in deep smit.' ~ Charlie Mackenzie
'HEED! PANTS! NOW!' ~ Stuart Mackenzie
'Woman! Woah-man! Wooaahhhhh-man! We had love, not just sex. Is she Mrs. X? I had to run for my life. Jane, get me off of this crazy thing called love.' ~ Charlie Mackenzie
'Hey Paisane! You screw up one more time I'm going to kick your spaghetti bending butt back to Milan!' ~ Police Chief
'Lighten up, Charlie. You've got a pickle up your ass again.' ~ May Mackenzie

Dirty Harry Dreams

Police Chief: 'Tony? I don't want to intrude, but you seem a little down.'
Tony Giardino: 'Well, Captain, it's about my job.'
Police Chief: 'Ah.'
Tony Giardino: 'I'm having doubts about being a cop. You know, it's not like how it is on TV. All I do all day is fill out forms and paperwork. I mean, this is what I do.'
Police Chief: 'It's a point well taken, Tony. But you must understand, although it's not exciting, it's a very important part of our work.'
Tony Giardino: 'Yeah, but in all my times as a cop, I've never gotten to, like, chase a guy across a crowded city square. I've never... I've never hung on to that part of a helicopter. You know that part? Underneath, the thing that it lands on? Do you, do you know that part?'
Police Chief: 'Yes, I know that part.'
Tony Giardino: 'I've never hung onto that. I've never even commandeered a vehicle.'
Police Chief: 'Now that sounds like a lot of fun.'
Tony Giardino: 'And that's the other thing. You're too nice.'
Police Chief: 'I'm too nice?'
Tony Giardino: 'Yeah, you're too nice. Why can't you be like the Captain on "Starsky and Hutch"? You know, when you come in, and you haul me into your office, and you bawl me out because you're sick and tired of defending my screwball antics to the Commissioner? Why cant you do that?'
Police Chief: 'Well, the truth of the matter is, I don't report to a Commissioner. I report to a committee. Some of whom are appointed, some elected, and the rest co-opted on a bi-annual basis. It's a quorum, so to speak.'
Tony Giardino: 'A quorum?'
Police Chief: 'Yeah.'
Tony Giardino: 'Captain, when I joined the police force, I thought I was going to be Serpico. But instead, I'm like... Fish from Barney Miller.'
Police Chief: 'Hey. Somebody needs a hug!'

Is That Charles Grodin?

Tony Giardino: 'Excuse me sir, I'm with the San Francisco police department, this is official police business. I would like to commandeer this vehicle!'
Driver: 'No.'
Tony Giardino: 'What do you mean, "no"?'
Driver: 'I happen to know for a fact that you don't have the right to commandeer my vehicle.'
Tony Giardino: 'Please, can I commandeer this vehicle?'
Driver: 'No.'
Tony Giardino: 'You're just - you're just not going to bend on this commandeering thing are you?'
Driver: 'No.'

The Trilateral (Plus Two) Commission

Stuart Mackenzie: 'Well, it's a well known fact, Sonny Jim, that there's a secret society of the five wealthiest people in the world, known as The Pentavirate, who run everything in the world, including the newspapers, and meet tri-annually at a secret country mansion in Colorado, known as The Meadows.'
Tony Giardino: 'So who's in this Pentavirate?'
Stuart Mackenzie: 'The Queen, The Vatican, The Gettys, The Rothschilds, and Colonel Sanders before he went tits up. Oh, I hated the Colonel with is wee beady eyes, and that smug look on his face. "Oh, you're gonna buy my chicken! Ohhhhh!"'
Charlie Mackenzie: 'Dad, how can you hate "The Colonel"?'
Stuart Mackenzie: 'Because he puts an addictive chemical in his chicken that makes ya crave it fortnightly, smartass!'

Obligatory Starsky And Hutch Reference

Charlie Mackenzie: 'So Tony, what's the deal with your clothes?'
Tony Giardino: 'What do ya mean?'
Charlie Mackenzie: 'You look like Huggy Bear from Starsky and Hutch.'
Tony Giardino: 'What do ya mean? I look hip!'
Charlie Mackenzie: 'No no no no no no, you look like an undercover cop trying to look hip.'
Tony Giardino: 'I am an undercover cop trying to look hip.'

HEED! MOVE!

Stuart Mackenzie: 'Look at the size of that boy's heed.'
Tony Giardino: 'Shhh!'
Stuart Mackenzie: 'I'm not kidding, it's like an orange on a toothpick.'
Tony Giardino: 'Shhh, you're going to give the boy a complex.'
Stuart Mackenzie: 'Well, that's a huge noggin. That's a virtual planetoid.'
Tony Giardino: 'Shh!'
Stuart Mackenzie: 'Has it's own weather system.'
Tony Giardino: 'Sh, sh, shh.'
Stuart Mackenzie: 'HEED! MOVE!'

So I Married An Axe Murderer (1993)

Charlie Mackenzie: 'Excuse me, miss? There seems to be a mistake. I believe I ordered the large cappuccino. Hello! Look at the size of this thing.'
Tony Giardino: 'It's practically a bowl.'
Charlie Mackenzie: 'It's like Campbell's Cup-O'-ccino!'