Scary Things

Austin Powers: 'Only two things scare me and one of them is nuclear war.'
Basil Exposition: 'What's the other?'
Austin Powers: 'Excuse me?'
Basil Exposition: 'What's the other thing that scares you?'
Austin Powers: 'Carnies. Circus folk. Nomads, you know. Smell like cabbage. Small hands.'

The Walls Came Down?

Basil Exposition: 'The Cold War's over.'
Austin Powers: 'Ah, finally those capitalist pigs will pay for their crimes, eh? Eh, comrades? Eh?'
Basil Exposition: 'Austin, we won.'
Austin Powers: 'Oh, groovy, smashing. Yay capitalism!'

An Evil Tantrum

Dr. Evil: 'You know, I have one simple request. And that is to have sharks with frickin' laser beams attached to their heads! Now evidently my cycloptic colleague informs me that that cannot be done. Ah, would you remind me what I pay you people for, honestly? Throw me a bone here! What do we have?'
Number Two: 'Sea Bass.'
Dr. Evil: 'Right.'
Number Two: 'They're mutated sea bass.'
Dr. Evil: 'Are they ill tempered?'
Number Two: 'Absolutely.'
Dr. Evil: 'Oh well, that's a start.'

Time For Some Decapitation Jokes!

Austin Powers: 'Not the time to lose one's head.'
Vanessa Kensington: 'No.'
Austin Powers: 'That's not the way to get ahead in life.'
Vanessa Kensington: 'No.'
Austin Powers: 'It's a shame he wasn't more headstrong.'
Vanessa Kensington: 'Hmm.'
Austin Powers: 'He'll never be the head of a major corporation.'
Vanessa Kensington: 'Okay, that'll do.'
Austin Powers: 'Okay.'

Dr. Evil's Guide To Evil

'Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to my underground lair. I have gathered here before me the world's deadliest assassins, and yet each of you has failed to kill Austin Powers. That makes me angry. And when Dr. Evil gets angry, Mr. Bigglesworth gets upset. And when Mr. Bigglesworth gets upset... people DIE!'
'It's Dr. Evil, I didn't spend six years in Evil Medical School to be called "mister," thank you very much.'
'Finally, we come to my number two man. His name? Number Two.'
'There's nothing as pathetic as an aging hipster.'
'The details of my life are quite inconsequential... very well, where do I begin? My father was a relentlessly self-improving boulangerie owner from Belgium with low grade narcolepsy and a penchant for buggery. My mother was a fifteen year old French prostitute named Chloe with webbed feet. My father would womanize, he would drink. He would make outrageous claims like he invented the question mark. Sometimes he would accuse chestnuts of being lazy. The sort of general malaise that only the genius possess and the insane lament. My childhood was typical. Summers in Rangoon, luge lessons. In the spring we'd make meat helmets. When I was insolent I was placed in a burlap bag and beaten with reeds- pretty standard really. At the age of twelve I received my first scribe. At the age of fourteen a Zoroastrian named Vilma ritualistically shaved my testicles. There really is nothing like a shorn scrotum... it's breathtaking- I highly suggest you try it.'
'Do you like your quasi-futuristic clothes Mr. Powers? I designed them myself.'
'Why must I be surrounded by frickin' idiots?'
'I'm gonna get you Austin Powers! It's fricken freezing in here Mr. Bigglesworth.'
'I like to see girls of that... caliber. By "caliber," of course, I refer to both the size of their gun barrels and the high quality of their characters... Two meanings... caliber... it's a homonym... Forget it.'
'One more peep out of you and you're grounded Mister and I am not joking. Let's begin.'

The Wit And Wisdom (Or Lack Thereof) of Austin Powers

'Jimi Hendrix deceased, drugs. Janis Joplin deceased, alcohol. Mama Cass deceased, ham sandwich.'
'You know, it's amazing how the English countryside looks exactly like Southern California.'
'My name is Richie Cunningham, and this is my lovely wife, Oprah.'
'Wait Vanessa, I can explain. You see, I was looking for Dr. Evil when the Fembots came out and smoke started coming out of their jomblies. So I started to work my mojo, to counter their mojo; we got cross-mojulation, and their heads started exploding.'
'That really hurt! I'm gonna have a lump there, you idiot! Who throws a shoe? Honestly! You fight like a woman!'
'That's not your mother, it's a man, baby!'
'Well, no offense, but if that is a woman it looks like she was beaten with an ugly stick!'
'I think you're shagedelic baby! You're switched on! You're smashing! You're shagadelic, baby!'
'Yeah, and I can't believe Liberace was gay. I mean, women loved him! I didn't see that one coming.'
'Why take the escalator when I have a perfectly good canoe right here?'
'I've been frozen for 30 years. I've got to see if my bits and pieces are still working.'
'She's the village bicycle! Everybody's had a ride.'
'Name? Austin Danger Powers. Sex? Yes please!'
'Actually, my name is Austin Powers. Danger is my middle name.'
'Smashing Baby! When this ship comes a' rockin', don't come a' knockin', baby!'
'This is my happening and it freaks me out!'
'Do I make you horny? Randy? Do I make you horny, baby, yeah, do I?'
'Allow myself to introduce... myself.'
'I won't bite... hard.'
'Margaret Thatcher naked on a cold day! Margaret Thatcher naked on a cold day!'
'Its time to swing, baby.'
'Ooo, Behave!'

Kids These Days

Dr. Evil: 'All right guard, begin the unnecessarily slow-moving dipping mechanism.'
Dr. Evil: 'Close the tank!'
Scott Evil: 'Wait, aren't you even going to watch them? They could get away!'
Dr. Evil: 'No no no, I'm going to leave them alone and not actually witness them dying, I'm just gonna assume it all went to plan. What?'
Scott Evil: 'I have a gun, in my room, you give me five seconds, I'll get it, I'll come back down here, BOOM, I'll blow their brains out!'
Dr. Evil: 'Scott, you just don't get it, do ya? You don't.'

What A Beautiful Animosity

Dr. Evil: 'Scott, I want you to meet daddy's nemesis, Austin Powers.'
Scott Evil: 'What? Are you feeding him? Why don't you just kill him?'
Dr. Evil: 'I have an even better idea. I'm going to place him in an easily escapable situation involving an overly elaborate and exotic death.'