PSA

Ricky Bobby: 'This is Ricky Bobby.'
Cal Naughton Jr.: 'And I'm Cal Naughton Junior.'
Ricky Bobby: 'Urging you not to go to Tijuana.'

No Wussies! 2

Larry Dennit Jr.: 'That little obscene gesture is going to cost us a bundle.'
Ricky Bobby: 'With all due respect, I didn't realize you'd gotten experimental surgery to get your balls removed.'

The Magic Man and El Diablo

Cal Naughton Jr.: 'Shake 'n Bake!'
Ricky Bobby: 'No, never again.'
Cal Naughton Jr.: 'You're right. I was like a total dick, man.'
Ricky Bobby: 'From now on, you're the Magic Man and I'm El Diablo.'
Cal Naughton Jr.: 'What does Diablo mean?'
Ricky Bobby: 'It's like... Spanish for like a fighting chicken.'

Nobody Lives Forever

Lucius Washington: 'You're not gonna live forever.'
Ricky Bobby: 'No one lives forever, no one. But with advances in modern science and my high level income, it's not crazy to think I can live to be 245, maybe 300. Heck, I just read in the newspaper that they put a pig heart in some guy from Russia. Do you know what that means?'
Lucius Washington: 'No, I don't know what that means. I guess longer life.'
Ricky Bobby: 'No, he didn't live. It's just exciting that we're trying things like that.'

No Wussies!

Chip: 'Are you just going to let your sons talk to their grandfather like this?'
Ricky Bobby: 'Hell yes I am! They are winners! That is how winners talk!'
Carley Bobby: 'If we wanted two wussies, we would have named them Dr. Quinn and Medicine Woman!'

DVD Bonus!

Ricky Bobby: 'Hey. I lost my license. That's why I'm on the bus... I'm delivering pizzas.'
Passenger on Bus: 'Mothaf*cka, what makes you think I care? Shut the f*ck up!'
Ricky Bobby: 'I'm just telling you that 'cause, like I said, I lost my license. I've just been having a lot of problems lately.'
Passenger on Bus: 'Problems? I don't want to hear about your damn problems! Everybody's got problems! My momma got problems she just lost her leg! My cousin Pookie just lost a testicle! My dog just threw up somebody's finger! That's a problem!'
Ricky Bobby: 'I really regret opening my mouth and talking to you.'

Vindictive Much?

Ricky Bobby: 'You sick sons of bitches. I mean you walk in that door, on your two legs, all fat and cocky and lookin' at me in my chair. And you tell me its all in my head? I hope that both of you have sons - Handsome, beautiful, articulate sons, who are talented and star athletes and they have their legs taken away. I mean I pray you know that pain and that hurt.'
Lucius Washington: 'Don't you put that evil on me, Ricky Bobby! Don't you put that on us! You are NOT paralyzed!'

I (Heart) You Man

Ricky Bobby: 'I get emotional. You guys are workin' so hard, and I'm just so proud of you. You remind me of me, precocious and full of wonderment.'
Cal Naughton Jr.: 'I tell you what, Ricky, you are truly blessed. These two are two in a million, just like Carley's ta-tas. You won't find another rack like that, I guarantee it.'
Carley Bobby: 'Thank you, Cal.'
Walker: 'That's real sweet of you, Cal.'
Ricky Bobby: 'Cal, that's a real nice sentiment. That's about one of the nicest things you ever said.'
Cal Naughton Jr.: 'Well, I mean it.'
Carley Bobby: 'Stop it, gonna make me cry.'
Cal Naughton Jr.: 'Comes from the heart.'

Team Bonding

Cal Naughton Jr.: 'Did he just say "husband"?'
Herschell: 'Wow. Dennit hired a gay Frenchman as your teammate!'
Ricky Bobby: 'The room's startin to spin real fast... cause of... cause of all the gayness. Cal... I love you.'
Cal Naughton Jr.: 'Ricky!Ricky! Oh God!'

The Wit And Wisdom of Ricky Bobby

'Yep, flying through the air, this is not good.'
'This sticker is dangerous and inconvenient, but I do love fig newtons.'
'Holy moly, that's like lookin' up Yasmine Bleeth's skirt!'
'Help me Jesus! Help me Jewish God! Help me Allah! AAAAAHHH! Help me Tom Cruise! Tom Cruise, use your witchcraft on me to get the fire off me!'
'Hey. I'm Ricky Bobby. Christmas is right around the corner. And what better gift to give a loved one than the Jackhawk 9000. Available at Wal-Mart.'
'Hey! It's me, America!'
'Hi, I'm Ricky Bobby. If you don't chew Big Red, then f-*bleep* you.'
'Dear Lord baby Jesus, lyin' there in your ghost manger, just lookin' at your Baby Einstein developmental videos, learnin' 'bout shapes and colors. I would like to thank you for bringin' me and my mama together, and also that my kids no longer sound like retarded gang-bangers.'
'If you ain't first, you're last. You know, you know what I'm talking about? That there is trademarked, not to be used without written permission of Ricky Bobby, Inc.'
'Please be 18.'
'Here's the deal I'm the best there is. Plain and simple. I wake up in the morning and I piss excellence.'
'Where are you, Pepé Le Bitch?'
'I'd love to sign your baby!'
'Hey. I'm Ricky Bobby. When you're workin' on your mysterious lady parts and stuff, you should have the right tools too. That's why you should use... MayPax. The official tampon of NASCAR.'
'I'm embarrassed. I really thought I could feel it.'
'Slingshot: engaged.'
'I've sent in my application to the Real World. So I'm hoping to hear back from that. I'm putting a lot of my eggs into that basket, the MTV basket. I'm also thinking about getting a gun, and dealing crack. Being a crack dealer. Not like a mean crack dealer, but like... like a nice one. Kinda friendly like, "hey, what's up guys? Want some crack?" I'm just waiting on those two things to flesh themselves out.'
'I'm just a big hairy American winning machine, you know?'
'Losing is never fun, but here's a little something to keep your spirits up. It's real nice, I got it at Target. It was on sale.'
'Get back, I'll windmill ya.'

I (Crossed-Out Heart) Crepes

Jean Girard: 'Bon. So, what if you just said: "I love really thin pancakes"? That is a fair compromise, no?'
Kyle: 'That is a fair compromise.'
Herschell: 'Very fair, actually.'
Ricky Bobby: 'No! Because then everyone would know I really meant crêpes!'
Kyle: 'That's actually a pretty good compromise right there.'
Jean Girard: 'Why do you want me to break your arm so badly?'
Ricky Bobby: You don't understand. You don't understand because you don't understand liberty. You don't understand freedom. So you put a crack in my arm like the crack in the Liberty Bell! You hear me?'
Cal Naughton Jr.: 'Hey. This is just between you and me, okay? I mean, forget all these other guys. But he did give you a pretty decent out. But it's your call.'
Ricky Bobby: 'What do you think?'
Cal Naughton Jr.: 'Don't say it.'
Ricky Bobby: 'Yeah. I'm not gonna say it. Nope. Break it, Pepé Le Pew!'
Jean Girard: 'As you wish.'
Ricky Bobby: 'He actually did it!'

I (Heart) Crepes!

Jean Girard: 'I will let you go, Ricky. But first, I want you to say..."I... love... crepes."'
Cal Naughton Jr.: 'Don't you say it, Ricky. These colors don't run.'
Ricky Bobby: 'I'm not gonna say it.'
Cal Naughton Jr.: 'Good.'
Ricky Bobby: 'Hey, look, Frenchy, I thought about it. So why don't you go ahead and break my arm?'
Jean Girard: 'I do not want to break your arm, Monsieur Bobby, but I am a man of my word.'
Ricky Bobby: 'Here's the deal. He's not gonna break it because I'm gonna slip out of it right now. Houdini!'
Jean Girard: 'Whoa! Get down, you little pancake.'
Ricky Bobby: 'Someone might as well get me a beer while I'm down here.'
Jean Girard: 'But you have forced me to do this. You are now mocking me and making me look ridiculous. Just say, "I love crepes."'
Cal Naughton Jr.: 'You know, just to put this in there, I had a whole mess of crepes this morning. They're just like pancakes, maybe even better.'
Ricky Bobby: 'Wait, are they the really thin pancakes?'
Cal Naughton Jr.: 'Yeah.'
Jean Girard: 'Yes they are. They are the really thin pancakes. It's just a French word for them.'
Ricky Bobby: 'Oh, my god, I love those.'
Cal Naughton Jr.: 'Put any syrups you want on them. I'm just saying, think about it.'
Ricky Bobby: 'They come with cheese sometimes?'
Jean Girard: 'Yes, of course, a fromage-crepe.'
Ricky Bobby: 'Well, why didn't someone yell that right-right away?'
Jean Girard: 'Do you know what's in the crepe suzette?'
Ricky Bobby: 'Oh, I love the crepe suzette.'
Jean Girard: 'With the sugar and lemon juice...'
Ricky Bobby: 'Yeah, the sugar and the lemon juice. Sure.'
Jean Girard: 'Grand Marnier.'
Ricky Bobby: 'I wish I could crawl into one of those right now. I'd eat my way out from the inside.'

The Challenge Is Accepted

Ricky Bobby: 'What's going on?'
Jean Girard: 'Soon you will know what it is like to be beaten by the hands of somebody who is truly better than you. As William Blake wrote "The catworm forgives the plow".'
Ricky Bobby: 'Well I got something for you from the late great Colonel Sanders who said "I'm too drunk to taste this chicken."'
Jean Girard: 'What's that got to do with this?'
Cal Naughton Jr.: 'I got a message for all of 'em. Shake... and bake.'
Ricky Bobby: 'What does that do? Does that blow your mind? That just happened!'
Jean Girard: 'What is that a catch phrase or is that, uh, epilepsy?'
Cal Naughton Jr.: 'Shake and bake.'
Jean Girard: 'What?'
Cal Naughton Jr.: 'Shake and bake.'
Jean Girard: 'Listen you better be careful because tomorrow you're going to get beaten. Beaten real bad cowboy!'
Ricky Bobby: 'Really?'
Jean Girard: 'Yes!'

Throwing Down The Gauntlet

Ricky Bobby: 'I came here to tell you one thing. Come race time tomorrow I'm coming for you.'
Jean Girard: 'Do you know why I came to America Monsieur Bobby?'
Ricky Bobby: 'Health care systems, giant water parks. The same reason anyone comes to America.'
Jean Girard: 'I came here for you to beat me.'
Ricky Bobby: 'What are you talking about?''
Jean Girard: My husband Gregory and I want only that what every other couple wants. To tame komodo dragons in Sri Lanka and teach them to perform Hamlet but before I can do that...'
Ricky Bobby: 'That's dumb.'
Jean Girard: 'It's not dumb.'
Ricky Bobby: 'It is dumb.'
Jean Girard: 'Why is it dumb?'
Ricky Bobby: 'I don't know'.
Jean Girard: 'But before I can do that I must be beaten by a driver who is truly better than me.'
Ricky Bobby: 'You saying you're going to lose to me on purpose?'
Jean Girard: 'No.'
Ricky Bobby: 'No?'
Jean Girard: 'NO! I will battle you with the entirety of my heart and you will probably lose. But maybe, just maybe. You might challenge me. The Beatles needed the Rolling Stones. Even Diane Sawyer needed Katie Couric. Will you be my Katie Couric?'
Ricky Bobby: 'Wow I feel like I'm in the Highlander.'
Jean Girard: 'What's the Highlander?'
Ricky Bobby: 'It's a movie.'
Jean Girard: 'Oh any good?'
Ricky Bobby: 'Very good. It won the academy award.'
Jean Girard: 'Oh for what?'
Ricky Bobby: 'Best movie ever made. Look I came here to tell you tomorrow I'm coming for you.'
Jean Girard: 'May god be with you Monsieur Bobby. Because although today I am friendly. Tomorrow will be war!'
Ricky Bobby: 'Alright.'

Meet the Gay Frenchman

Jean Girard: 'My name is Jean Girard and I am a racing-car driver just like you except I am from Formula One. I am the greatest one in the whole world. I have been following your career with great interest, Monsieur Bobby.'
Ricky Bobby: 'I can't understand a word you've said the whole time.'
Cal Naughton Jr.: 'Did you eat some peanut butter or something?'
Ricky Bobby: 'Yeah, you sound like a dog with peanut butter on the roof of your mouth.'
Jean Girard: 'I think what you are hearing is my accent. I am French.'
Ricky Bobby: 'You say you're French?'
Jean Girard: 'Oui.'
Ricky Bobby: 'We? No, we are not French. We're American, because you're in America, okay? Greatest country on the planet.'
Jean Girard: 'Well, what have you given the world apart from George Bush, Cheerios, and the ThighMaster?'
Ricky Bobby: 'Chinese food?'
Cal Naughton Jr.: 'Chinese food.'
Jean Girard: 'That's from China.'
Ricky Bobby: 'Pizza.'
Jean Girard: 'Italy.'
Cal Naughton Jr.: 'Chimichanga.'
Jean Girard: 'Mexico.'
Ricky Bobby: 'Really, smarty-pants? What did French land give us?'
Jean Girard: 'We invented democracy, existentialism, and the blowjob.'
Cal Naughton Jr.: 'Those are three pretty good things.'
Ricky Bobby: 'Hey.'
Cal Naughton Jr.: 'Well that last one's pretty cool.'

School Days

Ricky Bobby: 'How was school today, boys?'
Walker: 'I threw a bunch of Grandpa Chip's war medals off the bridge.'
Ricky Bobby: 'Sounds like a good day. How 'bout you, TR?'
Texas Ranger: 'The teacher asked me what was the capital of North Carolina. I said Washington, D.C.'
Cal Naughton, Jr.: 'Bingo.'
Ricky Bobby: 'Nice.'
Texas Ranger: 'She said "No, you're wrong." I said "You got a lumpy butt." She got mad at me and yelled at me and I pissed in my pants and I never did change my pee-pants all day. I'm still sittin' in my dirty pee-pants.'
Cal Naughton, Jr.: 'I wet my bed until I was nineteen. There's no shame in that.'

The Start of a Beautiful Friendship

Schoolteacher: 'Okay, next up is Ricky Bobby. Ricky, is your father here?'
Ricky Bobby: 'No, ma'am. I haven't seen my daddy in years. But, my mama say he's out racing cars, and, well, dipping his wick in anything that moves.'
Schoolteacher: 'Okay, kids, that's enough. Were gonna move on to Brennan.'
Cal Naughton Jr.: 'Don't pay them no mind, Ricky.'
Ricky Bobby: 'Thanks, Cal. Shake and Bake. You'll be my best friend forever.'

Career Day Advice

Reese Bobby: 'Excuse me, darling. I'm Reese Bobby. I'm here for career day with my son, Ricky.'
Ricky Bobby: 'Dad!'
Reese Bobby: 'Hey there, boy! Man, you got big. How long's it been? Three, four months?'
Ricky Bobby: 'Ten years.'
Reese Bobby: 'Ten years? Man, I gotta lay off the peyote.'
Schoolteacher: 'Mr. Bobby, there's no smoking in here.'
Reese Bobby: 'Oh, it's all right, darling, I'm a volunteer fireman. Okay, I am a semi-professional race car driver and an amateur tattoo artist.'
Classmates: 'Oooohhhh!'
Reese Bobby: 'And the first thing you gotta learn if you're gonna be a race car driver, is that you don't listen to losers like your know-it-all teacher here.'
Schoolteacher: 'Okay, I think that's enough.'
Reese Bobby: 'Your teacher wants you to go slow, and she's wrong because it's the fastest who get paid and it's the fastest who get laid.'

Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby (2006)

Chip: 'I can't hold my tongue. These kids are my grandchildren and you are raising them wrong. They are terrible boys!'
Walker: 'Shut up, Chip, or I'll go ape-shit on your ass!'
Texas Ranger: 'I'm gonna scissor-kick you in the back of the head!'
Cal Naughton, Jr.: 'Yeah!'
Ricky Bobby: 'Yeah! Now turn up the heat!'
Cal Naughton, Jr.: 'Go on and get some, boys!'
Ricky Bobby: 'Come on!'
Walker: 'I'm ten years old, but I'll beat your ass!'
Texas Ranger: 'Chip, I'm gonna come at you like a spider monkey!'
Cal Naughton, Jr.: 'Like a spider monkey! Go on!'
Ricky Bobby: 'Chip, you brought this on, man.'
Walker: 'Greatest Generation my ass. Tom Brokaw's a punk!'
Chip: 'What is wrong with you?'
Texas Ranger: 'Chip, I'm all jacked up on Mountain Dew!'