The Breakfast Buffet

Shooter McGavin: 'You're in big trouble though, pal. I eat pieces of shit like you for breakfast!'
Happy Gilmore: 'You eat pieces of shit for breakfast?'
Shooter McGavin: 'No!'

Drawing a Crowd

Happy Gilmore: 'He shoots, he scores!'
Happy Gilmore: 'Oh, man. That was so much easier than putting. I should just try to get the ball in one shot every time.'
Chubbs: 'Good plan.'
Virginia: 'Did you see that?'
Shooter McGavin: 'Yes. Nice shot.'
Virginia: 'He just got a Hole-in-One on a par four!'
Shooter McGavin: 'I know. I just said I saw it.'
Virginia: 'Oh, I hope he wins. He's a publicist's dream. I mean, a guy who could drive the ball that far - oh, he could really draw a crowd.'
Shooter McGavin: 'You know what else could draw a crowd? A golfer with an arm growing out of his ass.'

Witty Course Banter

'Did that go in? I wasn't watching, did it go in? I didn't see it, could you tell me if it went in? ~ Happy Gilmore
'Damn you people. Go back to your shanties.' ~ Shooter McGavin
'During high school, I played junior hockey and still hold two league records: most time spent in the penalty box; and I was the only guy to ever take off his skate and try to stab somebody.' ~ Happy Gilmore
'Do you know what the pathetic thing is? You have been doing this your whole life.' ~ Happy Gilmore
'Stop fraternizing with the help Gilmore. Just hit your ball - if you can find it.' ~ Shooter McGavin
'That's my puck, baby, don't you ever touch my puck.' ~ Happy Gilmore
'Damn you people. This is golf. Not a rock concert.' ~ Shooter McGavin
'Happy learned how to putt! Uh-oh!' ~ Happy Gilmore
'You little son of a bitch ball! Why you don't you just go home? That's your home! Are you too good for your home? Answer me! Suck my white ass, ball!' ~ Happy Gilmore
'Hey, if I saw myself in clothes like that, I'd have to kick my own ass.' ~ Happy Gilmore
'Thank you, Doug. You know, I saw Doug playing yesterday. And I've got to tell you, this guy spends more time in the sand than David Hasselhoff!' ~ Shooter McGavin
'I'm stupid. You're smart. I was wrong. You were right. You're the best. I'm the worst. You're very good-looking. I'm not attractive.' ~ Happy Gilmore
'Spoken like a true asshole.' ~ Chubbs
'Hey, Happy Gilmore! Come on down!' ~ Shooter McGavin
'Shooter! Great to hear from you! You wanna go to the Sizzler and get some grub?' ~ Donald
'You're gonna need a blanket and suntan lotion, cause you're never gonna get off that beach, just like the way you never got into the NHL - you jackass!' ~ Donald
'You will not make this putt - you jackass! ~ Donald
'Somebody's closer!' ~ Happy Gilmore
'You know that alligator that got your hand? Well I got his head!' ~ Happy Gilmore
'Hey Shooter, haven't you forgot your nine iron?' ~ Mr. Larson
'It ain't over, McGavin. The way I see it - we've only just begun.' ~ Happy Gilmore
'What are you doing Happy? Riding a bull? You're acting like a damn fool!' ~ Chubbs
'Step right up, folks. See if you can out drive the amazing Golf Ball, uh, Whacker Guy!' ~ Happy Gilmore

Putting the Pieces Back Together

Happy Gilmore: 'I got into this tournament for one reason: money. And now I have a new reason: kicking your ass!'
Shooter McGavin: 'Well, I'd like to see you try.'
Happy Gilmore: 'Let's do it, then!'
Shooter McGavin: 'I meant on a golf course!'
Virginia: 'Hey! What's going on here, huh?'
Happy Gilmore: 'Oh, uh, I was just looking for the other half of this bottle and there's some of it and there's some of it right there, too.'
Virginia: 'Why don't you just put it down?'
Happy Gilmore: 'Yeah, I know.'