Regrets? I've Had A Few

Kingman: 'I spent eighty-six million dollars of the studio's money on twenty seconds of titles. That's all he sent me, the TITLES! And a note: "Dave, we could also do these in blue." We HAD to make a Hal Weidmann picture!'
Davis: 'The man's won three Oscars. He's a genius.'
Kingman: 'No! There's only been one genius in this business, and that was Señor Wences! A little lipstick, some hair, and his hand, and the guy had a career for eighty-five years! "S'aright!".'

The Truth?

Gwen: 'I'm on pain medication that makes me say things I'd never say otherwise. To set the record perfectly straight, Eddie and I never had any plans to reconcile.'
Hector: 'And?'
Gwen: 'Oh, and Hector is very well-endowed.'
Hector: 'Almost too well-endowed. I've had complaints. Literally.'

The Defense Rests

Leaf Weidmann: 'Can I defend my father's work?'
Gwen: 'No, you cannot. Who's her father?'
Lee: 'Hal.'
Gwen: 'No, you cannot!'
Leaf Weidmann: 'Well, at least let me defend Hector. I've only slept with him once, but I know his penis is bigger than a roll of quarters.'
Gwen: 'You slept with her?'
Hector: 'No! No, she is lying! Except for the part about my penis - that's true.'

Random Sweetness

'Look, Byron, I want to be honest with you. Before I came down from the room, I took a half a pound of Vicodin, so I'm going to be really comfortable until about late March.' ~ Eddie
'Life is a cookie.' ~ Wellness Guide
'People have no idea what it's like being me. Did we brush my teeth?' ~ Gwen
'You're the devil.' ~ Eddie
'Ooh, pussy boy gonna splat!' ~ Hector
'Eddie, the next time you try to kill yourself, just take a hairdryer into the bathtub.' ~ Lee
'Just smile and shut up.' ~ Gwen
'Love is a bridge built between two people. We want what exists between them to be real. My name is Hal Weidmann. The film you are about to see is Time Over Time, or is it? The details are unimportant. Simply put, the script was shit. I tossed it. I instead decided to let the camera capture real life. I filmed my actors without their knowledge. I let the camera run after takes. I placed hidden cameras around the set. The end result is a story far more involving than anything manufactured by actors and writers. This is real life. The juice. The stink. The glory' ~ Hal Weidmann
'How can you be in love with someone and not even like them at the same time?' ~ Eddie
'I really want to play a character like the Terminator, you know, because I think the Hispanic people are crying out to see a deadly, destructive, killing machine that they can embrace as their own, you know, that they can relate to...' ~ Hector
'You probably read in People Magazine that I'm on Zoloft.' ~ Eddie
'Eddie's really good... and he's my pillar of strength, you know. It's like Sodom and Gomorrah' ~ Gwen
'I tried to walk away, but the guy just kept pushing. So I hit him in the tray with my face.' ~ Eddie
'Felix, this is Oscar. The monkey is in daycare. Repeat, the monkey is in daycare.' ~ Danny
'He's gonna be a pussy pancake.' ~ Hector
'Survival rule number three, kid: You're not here to love anyone. You're here to promote a movie. That's it. Period. Say you're here and you get word that your mother died. You know, like, hit by a bus or something. You go downstairs, you shed a tear, and you say, "It's a shame. She would have loved this movie.' ~ Lee
'Can I just say something please? Excuse me. What was said about my penis on the screen... that is completely false. Completely! I am extremely well hung. I will submit to a physical inspection right now.' ~ Hector
'They liked the movie. The press actually liked this crazy movie. They're calling it the "Blair Bitch Project".' ~ Lee

Who's On First?

Lee: 'So, do you want to arrive first or second?'
Eddie: 'Second.'
Lee: 'Be right back.'
Lee: 'He wants to go second.'
Kiki: 'Let him go second.'
Gwen: He can go second. No, wait a minute. He should go first. I don't want to look like his opening act. I want to go second.'
Kiki: 'She wants to go second.'
Lee: 'Second it is.'
Lee: 'She wants to go second.'
Eddie: 'Fine, let her come second. I don't care. Let her come behind me. That way she'll be able to see the knife she stuck in my back.'
Lee: 'Thank you.'
Kiki: 'Second? We're all set.'
Gwen: 'Who cares?'
Kiki: 'She doesn't care.'
Gwen: 'Yes, I do! I'm going first!'
Eddie: 'I don't care! I don't care! Why is this an issue?'
Lee: 'I'm just trying to facilitate the...'
Eddie: 'I don't care! Can we just get to the hotel?'
Lee: 'You're going second.'
Eddie: 'I don't care! I don't care! I don't care! I don't care!'
Lee: 'You're going second. Eddie? You're going second.'
Eddie: 'I don't care.'
Lee: 'Okay. Thank you.'

How A Typical Larry King Appearance Ends

Gwen: 'I hate Larry King! Why did I do his stupid show?'
Kiki: 'Just breathe.'
Gwen: 'I don't want to breathe! "Your last two movies crashed and burned"... I wanted to choke him to death with those stupid suspenders. Everyone hates me.'
Kiki: 'That's not true. The lighting was great. Everyone said you looked great.'
Gwen: 'Who?'
Larry King Producer: 'You looked great.'
Kiki: 'See?'
Gwen: 'Thanks!'
Gwen: 'As if she really knows.'

America's Sweethearts (2001)

Kingman: 'Remember the crazy guy in the woods?'
Davis: 'Ted Kaczynski.'
Kingman: 'Who, the guy at Fox?'
Lee: 'The Unabomber.'
Kingman: 'Yeah, the Unabomber. Okay? Remember how he lived in that little cabin?'
Lee: 'So?'
Kingman: 'Hal Weidmann bought that cabin from the government and had it moved onto his property. That is where he edits his movies. That is his little, twisted, sicko office.'

A Very Minor League

Willie Mays Hayes: 'What the hell league you been playing in?'
Rick Vaughn: 'California Penal.'
Willie Mays Hayes: 'Never heard of it. How'd you end up playing there?'
Rick Vaughn: 'Stole a car.'