Thursday, October 29, 2009

Royal Selection

King Arthur: 'I am your king.'
Woman: 'Well I didn't vote for you.'
King Arthur: 'You don't vote for kings.'
Woman: 'Well how'd you become king then?'
King Arthur: 'The Lady of the Lake, her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite held aloft Excalibur from the bosom of the water, signifying by divine providence that I, Arthur, was to carry Excalibur. THAT is why I am your king.'
Dennis: 'Listen, strange women lyin' in ponds distributin' swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.'
Dennis: 'You can't expect to wield supreme executive power just because some watery tart threw a sword at you.'
Dennis: 'If I went 'round sayin' I was Emperor, just because some moistened bint lobbed a scimitar at me, they'd put me away.'

Putting Theory Into Practice

Woman: 'Oh. How do you do?'
King Arthur: 'How do you do, good lady? I am Arthur, King of the Britons. Whose castle is that?'
Woman: 'King of the who?'
King Arthur: 'King of the Britons.'
Woman: 'Who are the Britons?'
King Arthur: 'Well, we all are. We are all Britons. And I am your king.'
Woman: 'I didn't know we had a king. I thought we were an autonomous collective.'
Dennis: 'You're foolin' yourself! We're living in a dictatorship. A self-perpetuating autocracy in which the working class...'
Woman: 'Oh, there you go bringing class into it again.'
Dennis: 'Well, that's what it's all about! If only people would...'
King Arthur: 'Please, please, good people, I am in haste. Who lives in that castle?'
Woman: 'No one lives there.'
King Arthur: 'Then who is your lord?'
Woman: 'We don't have a lord.'
Dennis: 'I told you, we're an anarcho-syndicalist commune. We take it in turns to be a sort of executive officer for the week...'
King Arthur: 'Yes...'
Dennis: '...but all the decisions of that officer have to be ratified at a special bi-weekly meeting...'
King Arthur: 'Yes I see...'
Dennis: ' a simple majority in the case of purely internal affairs...'
King Arthur: 'Be quiet!'
Dennis: '...but by a two thirds majority in the case of...'
King Arthur: 'Be quiet! I order you to be quiet!'
Woman: 'Order, eh? Who does he think he is?'

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Bloody Peasant

King Arthur: 'Old woman.'
Dennis: 'Man.'
King Arthur: 'Man, sorry. What knight lives in that castle over there?'
Dennis: 'I'm 37.'
King Arthur: 'What?'
Dennis: 'I'm 37. I'm not old.'
King Arthur: 'Well I can't just call you "man".'
Dennis: 'Well you could say "Dennis".'
King Arthur: 'I didn't know you were called Dennis.'
Dennis: 'Well you didn't bother to find out did you?'
King Arthur: 'I did say sorry about the "old woman", but from behind you looked...'
Dennis: 'What I object to is you automatically treating me like an inferior.'
King Arthur: 'Well I am king.'
Dennis: 'Oh, king eh? Very nice. And how'd you get that, eh? By exploiting the workers. By hanging on to outdated imperialist dogma which perpetuates the economic and social differences in our society.'

Monty Python and the Holy Grail (1975)

Minstrel: 'Brave Sir Robin ran away...'
Sir Robin: 'No!'
Minstrel: 'Bravely ran away away...'
Sir Robin: 'I didn't!'
Minstrel: 'When danger reared its ugly head, he bravely turned his tail and fled.'
Sir Robin: 'I never did!'
Minstrel: 'Yes, brave Sir Robin turned about, and valiantly, he chickened out.'
Sir Robin: 'Oh, you liars!'
Minstrel: 'Bravely taking to his feet, he beat a very brave retreat. A brave retreat by brave Sir Robin.'

Tuesday, October 27, 2009


Ricky Bobby: 'This is Ricky Bobby.'
Cal Naughton Jr.: 'And I'm Cal Naughton Junior.'
Ricky Bobby: 'Urging you not to go to Tijuana.'

No Wussies! 2

Larry Dennit Jr.: 'That little obscene gesture is going to cost us a bundle.'
Ricky Bobby: 'With all due respect, I didn't realize you'd gotten experimental surgery to get your balls removed.'

Breaking the Habit

Lucius Washington: 'Guys! No tires! We're not a pit crew anymore, we're a car wash team.'
Glenn: 'Sorry, Lucius. Hard habit to break. Like stalking an ex-girlfriend.'

The Magic Man and El Diablo

Cal Naughton Jr.: 'Shake 'n Bake!'
Ricky Bobby: 'No, never again.'
Cal Naughton Jr.: 'You're right. I was like a total dick, man.'
Ricky Bobby: 'From now on, you're the Magic Man and I'm El Diablo.'
Cal Naughton Jr.: 'What does Diablo mean?'
Ricky Bobby: 'It's like... Spanish for like a fighting chicken.'

Nobody Lives Forever

Lucius Washington: 'You're not gonna live forever.'
Ricky Bobby: 'No one lives forever, no one. But with advances in modern science and my high level income, it's not crazy to think I can live to be 245, maybe 300. Heck, I just read in the newspaper that they put a pig heart in some guy from Russia. Do you know what that means?'
Lucius Washington: 'No, I don't know what that means. I guess longer life.'
Ricky Bobby: 'No, he didn't live. It's just exciting that we're trying things like that.'

No Wussies!

Chip: 'Are you just going to let your sons talk to their grandfather like this?'
Ricky Bobby: 'Hell yes I am! They are winners! That is how winners talk!'
Carley Bobby: 'If we wanted two wussies, we would have named them Dr. Quinn and Medicine Woman!'

Monday, October 26, 2009

Paternity Testing Needed

Reese Bobby: 'Now, you show me the DNA test and then maybe I'll, uh... I'll say hello to these swamp rats.'
Frank: 'You people shut the hell up! I got a wife in an oxygen tent tryin' to sleep!'
Reese Bobby: 'You better shut the hell up or I'll come over there and rip a hole in that tent!'
Lucy Bobby: 'Yeah, shut up, Frank!'
Walker: 'Go shave your balls, you dusty old fart!'
Reese Bobby: 'Okay, I guess they are my grand-kids.'

DVD Bonus!

Ricky Bobby: 'Hey. I lost my license. That's why I'm on the bus... I'm delivering pizzas.'
Passenger on Bus: 'Mothaf*cka, what makes you think I care? Shut the f*ck up!'
Ricky Bobby: 'I'm just telling you that 'cause, like I said, I lost my license. I've just been having a lot of problems lately.'
Passenger on Bus: 'Problems? I don't want to hear about your damn problems! Everybody's got problems! My momma got problems she just lost her leg! My cousin Pookie just lost a testicle! My dog just threw up somebody's finger! That's a problem!'
Ricky Bobby: 'I really regret opening my mouth and talking to you.'

The Heart of the Problem

Texas Ranger: 'Someone didn't love you enough when you were little, did they?'
Reese Bobby: 'That's a good call.'

Vindictive Much?

Ricky Bobby: 'You sick sons of bitches. I mean you walk in that door, on your two legs, all fat and cocky and lookin' at me in my chair. And you tell me its all in my head? I hope that both of you have sons - Handsome, beautiful, articulate sons, who are talented and star athletes and they have their legs taken away. I mean I pray you know that pain and that hurt.'
Lucius Washington: 'Don't you put that evil on me, Ricky Bobby! Don't you put that on us! You are NOT paralyzed!'

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Walker, Texas Ranger

'Shut those mutts up before I cook 'em and eat 'em!' ~ Texas Ranger
'My friends and I skipped school and we filled up a cup of pee and tried to get our neighbors dog to drink it. But he wouldn't.' ~ Walker
'Why, if it isn't our mangy, transient grandfather.' ~ Texas Ranger
'Hey there, Popeye!' ~ Texas Ranger
'Aw, Grandma, not my prison shank!' ~ Texas Ranger
'Please let us not resolve our problems with fighting.' ~ Texas Ranger
'You look old, Granny are you gonna die today?' ~ Texas Ranger

I (Heart) You Man

Ricky Bobby: 'I get emotional. You guys are workin' so hard, and I'm just so proud of you. You remind me of me, precocious and full of wonderment.'
Cal Naughton Jr.: 'I tell you what, Ricky, you are truly blessed. These two are two in a million, just like Carley's ta-tas. You won't find another rack like that, I guarantee it.'
Carley Bobby: 'Thank you, Cal.'
Walker: 'That's real sweet of you, Cal.'
Ricky Bobby: 'Cal, that's a real nice sentiment. That's about one of the nicest things you ever said.'
Cal Naughton Jr.: 'Well, I mean it.'
Carley Bobby: 'Stop it, gonna make me cry.'
Cal Naughton Jr.: 'Comes from the heart.'

Team Bonding

Cal Naughton Jr.: 'Did he just say "husband"?'
Herschell: 'Wow. Dennit hired a gay Frenchman as your teammate!'
Ricky Bobby: 'The room's startin to spin real fast... cause of... cause of all the gayness. Cal... I love you.'
Cal Naughton Jr.: 'Ricky!Ricky! Oh God!'

The Wit And Wisdom of Cal Naughton Jr.

'I like to think of Jesus as a mischievous badger.'
'Shake and bake!'
'I like to think of Jesus as an Ice Dancer, dressed in an all-white jumpsuit, and doing an interpretive dance of my life.'
'So when you say psychosomatic, you mean like he could start a fire with his thoughts?'
'I had a dream where Jesus was a dirty old bum, and I was about to sock him in the face because, well he's a dirty old bum, but then I thought, there's something special about him...'
'Remember that time in tenth grade when we got kicked out of class for playing with Matchbox cars? Who's the retard now?'
'There is something I want to get off my chest. It's about that summer, when you went away to community college. I got an offer to do Playgirl Magazine, and I did it. I did a full spread for Playgirl Magazine. I mean spread man, I pulled my butt apart and stuff. I was totally nude. it was weird, I... I mean you probably didn't hear about it because I went under the name of Mike Honcho. But I just wanted you to know that. If you can hear me, if it got into your brain somehow. That I spread my buttcheeks as Mike Honcho.'
'I like to picture Jesus in a tuxedo T-Shirt because it says I want to be formal, but I'm here to party.'
'I like to think of Jesus like with giant eagles wings, and singin' lead vocals for Lynyrd Skynyrd with like an angel band and I'm in the front row and I'm hammered drunk!'
'Please don't let the invisible fire burn my friend!'

The Wit And Wisdom of Jean Girard

'Hakuna Matata, bitches!'
'You spilled my macchiato!'
'Aaaaah, Ricky Bobby! Now we shall dance. And yes, it will be a slow jam.'
'By the way, I watched the Highlander movie, it was shit!'
'Now it is time for the matador to dance with the blind shoe-maker!'

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

The Wit And Wisdom of Ricky Bobby

'Yep, flying through the air, this is not good.'
'This sticker is dangerous and inconvenient, but I do love fig newtons.'
'Holy moly, that's like lookin' up Yasmine Bleeth's skirt!'
'Help me Jesus! Help me Jewish God! Help me Allah! AAAAAHHH! Help me Tom Cruise! Tom Cruise, use your witchcraft on me to get the fire off me!'
'Hey. I'm Ricky Bobby. Christmas is right around the corner. And what better gift to give a loved one than the Jackhawk 9000. Available at Wal-Mart.'
'Hey! It's me, America!'
'Hi, I'm Ricky Bobby. If you don't chew Big Red, then f-*bleep* you.'
'Dear Lord baby Jesus, lyin' there in your ghost manger, just lookin' at your Baby Einstein developmental videos, learnin' 'bout shapes and colors. I would like to thank you for bringin' me and my mama together, and also that my kids no longer sound like retarded gang-bangers.'
'If you ain't first, you're last. You know, you know what I'm talking about? That there is trademarked, not to be used without written permission of Ricky Bobby, Inc.'
'Please be 18.'
'Here's the deal I'm the best there is. Plain and simple. I wake up in the morning and I piss excellence.'
'Where are you, Pepé Le Bitch?'
'I'd love to sign your baby!'
'Hey. I'm Ricky Bobby. When you're workin' on your mysterious lady parts and stuff, you should have the right tools too. That's why you should use... MayPax. The official tampon of NASCAR.'
'I'm embarrassed. I really thought I could feel it.'
'Slingshot: engaged.'
'I've sent in my application to the Real World. So I'm hoping to hear back from that. I'm putting a lot of my eggs into that basket, the MTV basket. I'm also thinking about getting a gun, and dealing crack. Being a crack dealer. Not like a mean crack dealer, but like... like a nice one. Kinda friendly like, "hey, what's up guys? Want some crack?" I'm just waiting on those two things to flesh themselves out.'
'I'm just a big hairy American winning machine, you know?'
'Losing is never fun, but here's a little something to keep your spirits up. It's real nice, I got it at Target. It was on sale.'
'Get back, I'll windmill ya.'

I (Crossed-Out Heart) Crepes

Jean Girard: 'Bon. So, what if you just said: "I love really thin pancakes"? That is a fair compromise, no?'
Kyle: 'That is a fair compromise.'
Herschell: 'Very fair, actually.'
Ricky Bobby: 'No! Because then everyone would know I really meant crêpes!'
Kyle: 'That's actually a pretty good compromise right there.'
Jean Girard: 'Why do you want me to break your arm so badly?'
Ricky Bobby: You don't understand. You don't understand because you don't understand liberty. You don't understand freedom. So you put a crack in my arm like the crack in the Liberty Bell! You hear me?'
Cal Naughton Jr.: 'Hey. This is just between you and me, okay? I mean, forget all these other guys. But he did give you a pretty decent out. But it's your call.'
Ricky Bobby: 'What do you think?'
Cal Naughton Jr.: 'Don't say it.'
Ricky Bobby: 'Yeah. I'm not gonna say it. Nope. Break it, Pepé Le Pew!'
Jean Girard: 'As you wish.'
Ricky Bobby: 'He actually did it!'

Monday, October 19, 2009

I (Heart) Crepes!

Jean Girard: 'I will let you go, Ricky. But first, I want you to say..."I... love... crepes."'
Cal Naughton Jr.: 'Don't you say it, Ricky. These colors don't run.'
Ricky Bobby: 'I'm not gonna say it.'
Cal Naughton Jr.: 'Good.'
Ricky Bobby: 'Hey, look, Frenchy, I thought about it. So why don't you go ahead and break my arm?'
Jean Girard: 'I do not want to break your arm, Monsieur Bobby, but I am a man of my word.'
Ricky Bobby: 'Here's the deal. He's not gonna break it because I'm gonna slip out of it right now. Houdini!'
Jean Girard: 'Whoa! Get down, you little pancake.'
Ricky Bobby: 'Someone might as well get me a beer while I'm down here.'
Jean Girard: 'But you have forced me to do this. You are now mocking me and making me look ridiculous. Just say, "I love crepes."'
Cal Naughton Jr.: 'You know, just to put this in there, I had a whole mess of crepes this morning. They're just like pancakes, maybe even better.'
Ricky Bobby: 'Wait, are they the really thin pancakes?'
Cal Naughton Jr.: 'Yeah.'
Jean Girard: 'Yes they are. They are the really thin pancakes. It's just a French word for them.'
Ricky Bobby: 'Oh, my god, I love those.'
Cal Naughton Jr.: 'Put any syrups you want on them. I'm just saying, think about it.'
Ricky Bobby: 'They come with cheese sometimes?'
Jean Girard: 'Yes, of course, a fromage-crepe.'
Ricky Bobby: 'Well, why didn't someone yell that right-right away?'
Jean Girard: 'Do you know what's in the crepe suzette?'
Ricky Bobby: 'Oh, I love the crepe suzette.'
Jean Girard: 'With the sugar and lemon juice...'
Ricky Bobby: 'Yeah, the sugar and the lemon juice. Sure.'
Jean Girard: 'Grand Marnier.'
Ricky Bobby: 'I wish I could crawl into one of those right now. I'd eat my way out from the inside.'

The Challenge Is Accepted

Ricky Bobby: 'What's going on?'
Jean Girard: 'Soon you will know what it is like to be beaten by the hands of somebody who is truly better than you. As William Blake wrote "The catworm forgives the plow".'
Ricky Bobby: 'Well I got something for you from the late great Colonel Sanders who said "I'm too drunk to taste this chicken."'
Jean Girard: 'What's that got to do with this?'
Cal Naughton Jr.: 'I got a message for all of 'em. Shake... and bake.'
Ricky Bobby: 'What does that do? Does that blow your mind? That just happened!'
Jean Girard: 'What is that a catch phrase or is that, uh, epilepsy?'
Cal Naughton Jr.: 'Shake and bake.'
Jean Girard: 'What?'
Cal Naughton Jr.: 'Shake and bake.'
Jean Girard: 'Listen you better be careful because tomorrow you're going to get beaten. Beaten real bad cowboy!'
Ricky Bobby: 'Really?'
Jean Girard: 'Yes!'

Sunday, October 18, 2009

Throwing Down The Gauntlet

Ricky Bobby: 'I came here to tell you one thing. Come race time tomorrow I'm coming for you.'
Jean Girard: 'Do you know why I came to America Monsieur Bobby?'
Ricky Bobby: 'Health care systems, giant water parks. The same reason anyone comes to America.'
Jean Girard: 'I came here for you to beat me.'
Ricky Bobby: 'What are you talking about?''
Jean Girard: My husband Gregory and I want only that what every other couple wants. To tame komodo dragons in Sri Lanka and teach them to perform Hamlet but before I can do that...'
Ricky Bobby: 'That's dumb.'
Jean Girard: 'It's not dumb.'
Ricky Bobby: 'It is dumb.'
Jean Girard: 'Why is it dumb?'
Ricky Bobby: 'I don't know'.
Jean Girard: 'But before I can do that I must be beaten by a driver who is truly better than me.'
Ricky Bobby: 'You saying you're going to lose to me on purpose?'
Jean Girard: 'No.'
Ricky Bobby: 'No?'
Jean Girard: 'NO! I will battle you with the entirety of my heart and you will probably lose. But maybe, just maybe. You might challenge me. The Beatles needed the Rolling Stones. Even Diane Sawyer needed Katie Couric. Will you be my Katie Couric?'
Ricky Bobby: 'Wow I feel like I'm in the Highlander.'
Jean Girard: 'What's the Highlander?'
Ricky Bobby: 'It's a movie.'
Jean Girard: 'Oh any good?'
Ricky Bobby: 'Very good. It won the academy award.'
Jean Girard: 'Oh for what?'
Ricky Bobby: 'Best movie ever made. Look I came here to tell you tomorrow I'm coming for you.'
Jean Girard: 'May god be with you Monsieur Bobby. Because although today I am friendly. Tomorrow will be war!'
Ricky Bobby: 'Alright.'

Meet the Gay Frenchman

Jean Girard: 'My name is Jean Girard and I am a racing-car driver just like you except I am from Formula One. I am the greatest one in the whole world. I have been following your career with great interest, Monsieur Bobby.'
Ricky Bobby: 'I can't understand a word you've said the whole time.'
Cal Naughton Jr.: 'Did you eat some peanut butter or something?'
Ricky Bobby: 'Yeah, you sound like a dog with peanut butter on the roof of your mouth.'
Jean Girard: 'I think what you are hearing is my accent. I am French.'
Ricky Bobby: 'You say you're French?'
Jean Girard: 'Oui.'
Ricky Bobby: 'We? No, we are not French. We're American, because you're in America, okay? Greatest country on the planet.'
Jean Girard: 'Well, what have you given the world apart from George Bush, Cheerios, and the ThighMaster?'
Ricky Bobby: 'Chinese food?'
Cal Naughton Jr.: 'Chinese food.'
Jean Girard: 'That's from China.'
Ricky Bobby: 'Pizza.'
Jean Girard: 'Italy.'
Cal Naughton Jr.: 'Chimichanga.'
Jean Girard: 'Mexico.'
Ricky Bobby: 'Really, smarty-pants? What did French land give us?'
Jean Girard: 'We invented democracy, existentialism, and the blowjob.'
Cal Naughton Jr.: 'Those are three pretty good things.'
Ricky Bobby: 'Hey.'
Cal Naughton Jr.: 'Well that last one's pretty cool.'

Saturday, October 17, 2009

School Days

Ricky Bobby: 'How was school today, boys?'
Walker: 'I threw a bunch of Grandpa Chip's war medals off the bridge.'
Ricky Bobby: 'Sounds like a good day. How 'bout you, TR?'
Texas Ranger: 'The teacher asked me what was the capital of North Carolina. I said Washington, D.C.'
Cal Naughton, Jr.: 'Bingo.'
Ricky Bobby: 'Nice.'
Texas Ranger: 'She said "No, you're wrong." I said "You got a lumpy butt." She got mad at me and yelled at me and I pissed in my pants and I never did change my pee-pants all day. I'm still sittin' in my dirty pee-pants.'
Cal Naughton, Jr.: 'I wet my bed until I was nineteen. There's no shame in that.'

The Start of a Beautiful Friendship

Schoolteacher: 'Okay, next up is Ricky Bobby. Ricky, is your father here?'
Ricky Bobby: 'No, ma'am. I haven't seen my daddy in years. But, my mama say he's out racing cars, and, well, dipping his wick in anything that moves.'
Schoolteacher: 'Okay, kids, that's enough. Were gonna move on to Brennan.'
Cal Naughton Jr.: 'Don't pay them no mind, Ricky.'
Ricky Bobby: 'Thanks, Cal. Shake and Bake. You'll be my best friend forever.'

Career Day Advice

Reese Bobby: 'Excuse me, darling. I'm Reese Bobby. I'm here for career day with my son, Ricky.'
Ricky Bobby: 'Dad!'
Reese Bobby: 'Hey there, boy! Man, you got big. How long's it been? Three, four months?'
Ricky Bobby: 'Ten years.'
Reese Bobby: 'Ten years? Man, I gotta lay off the peyote.'
Schoolteacher: 'Mr. Bobby, there's no smoking in here.'
Reese Bobby: 'Oh, it's all right, darling, I'm a volunteer fireman. Okay, I am a semi-professional race car driver and an amateur tattoo artist.'
Classmates: 'Oooohhhh!'
Reese Bobby: 'And the first thing you gotta learn if you're gonna be a race car driver, is that you don't listen to losers like your know-it-all teacher here.'
Schoolteacher: 'Okay, I think that's enough.'
Reese Bobby: 'Your teacher wants you to go slow, and she's wrong because it's the fastest who get paid and it's the fastest who get laid.'

Friday, October 16, 2009

Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby (2006)

Chip: 'I can't hold my tongue. These kids are my grandchildren and you are raising them wrong. They are terrible boys!'
Walker: 'Shut up, Chip, or I'll go ape-shit on your ass!'
Texas Ranger: 'I'm gonna scissor-kick you in the back of the head!'
Cal Naughton, Jr.: 'Yeah!'
Ricky Bobby: 'Yeah! Now turn up the heat!'
Cal Naughton, Jr.: 'Go on and get some, boys!'
Ricky Bobby: 'Come on!'
Walker: 'I'm ten years old, but I'll beat your ass!'
Texas Ranger: 'Chip, I'm gonna come at you like a spider monkey!'
Cal Naughton, Jr.: 'Like a spider monkey! Go on!'
Ricky Bobby: 'Chip, you brought this on, man.'
Walker: 'Greatest Generation my ass. Tom Brokaw's a punk!'
Chip: 'What is wrong with you?'
Texas Ranger: 'Chip, I'm all jacked up on Mountain Dew!'

Monday, October 12, 2009

Scott's Night Out

'Well my friend Sweet Jay took me to that video arcade in town, right, and they don't speak English there, so Jay got into a fight and he's all, "Hey quit hasslin' me cuz' I don't speak French" or whatever! And then the guy said something in Paris talk, and I'm like, "Just back off!" And they're all, "Get out!" And we're like, "Make me!" It was cool.' ~ Scott Evil

Kids Should Be Seen and Not Heard

Scott Evil: 'It's no hassle...'
Dr. Evil: 'Sh!'
Scott Evil: 'But...'
Dr. Evil: 'Sh!'
Scott Evil: 'I'm...'
Dr. Evil: 'Sh!'
Scott Evil: 'All I'm say...'
Dr. Evil: 'Sh!'
Scott Evil: 'There gonna get a...'
Dr. Evil: 'Sh!'
Scott Evil: 'I'm...'
Dr. Evil: 'Sh!'
Scott Evil: 'I'm just...'
Dr. Evil: 'Sh!'
Scott Evil: 'Would...'
Dr. Evil: 'Sh!... Knock-knock.'
Scott Evil: 'Who's there?'
Dr. Evil: 'Sh!'
Scott Evil: 'But...'
Dr. Evil: 'Let me tell you a little story about a man named Sh! Sh! even before you start. That was a pre-emptive "sh!" Now, I have a whole bag of "sh!" with your name on it.'

Evil Breakfast Cereal

Paddy O'Brien: 'They're always after me lucky charms.'
Paddy O'Brien: 'What? Why does everyone always laugh when I say that? They are after me lucky charms! What!'
Frau Farbissina: 'It's a television commercial. With this cartoon leprechaun, and all of these children are trying to chase him, "Hey, leprechaun, leprechaun man, we want to get your lucky charms." Oh! And there are these little tiny pieces of marshmallow just stuck right in the cereal. So when the kids eat them they think, "Oooh this is candy, I'm having fun!"'

Regrets, I've Had a Few

Scott Evil: 'I hate you! I hate you! I wish I was never artificially created in a lab!'
Dr. Evil: 'Scott, that hurts daddy when you say that. Honestly.'

Fathers and Sons

Dr. Evil: 'Son, wouldn't you like to see what daddy does for a living?'
Scott Evil: 'Blow me.'
Dr. Evil: 'What?'
Scott Evil: 'Show me.'

Friday, October 9, 2009

He Hate Me

Scott Evil: 'I just think, like, he hates me. I really think he wants to kill me.'
Therapist: 'He doesn't really want to kill you. Sometimes we just say that.'
Dr. Evil: 'No actually the boy is quite astute. I really am trying to kill him, but so far unsuccessfully. He's quite wily, like his old man.'

Popsicle Boy

Frau Farbissina: 'Remember when we froze your semen? You said that if it didn't look like you were coming back we should try to create an heir so a part of you would live forever?'
Dr. Evil: 'Oh sure.'
Frau Farbissina: 'Well, after a couple of years we got a little... impatient. Dr Evil, I would like you to meet your son.'
Dr. Evil: 'My son?'
Frau Farbissina: 'Ja. SCOTT!'
Dr. Evil: 'Hello Scott.'
Scott Evil: 'Hi.'
Dr. Evil: 'I'm your father. Dr Evil.'
Scott Evil: 'I haven't seen you my whole life and now you just show up and expect a relationship? I hate you. What?'
Dr. Evil: 'Can I have a hug?'
Scott Evil: 'No.'
Dr. Evil: 'Give me a hug.'
Scott Evil: 'No way.'
Dr. Evil: 'Come on. Let's go. Pronto.'
Scott Evil: 'What are you doing?'
Dr. Evil: 'I'm with it. I'm hip. Well, don't look at me like I'm friggin' Frankenstein! Come here and give your father a hug.'
Scott Evil: 'Get away from me, you lazy-eyed psycho!'
Dr. Evil: 'Hug, hug, hug.'

Scary Things

Austin Powers: 'Only two things scare me and one of them is nuclear war.'
Basil Exposition: 'What's the other?'
Austin Powers: 'Excuse me?'
Basil Exposition: 'What's the other thing that scares you?'
Austin Powers: 'Carnies. Circus folk. Nomads, you know. Smell like cabbage. Small hands.'

Thursday, October 8, 2009

The Walls Came Down?

Basil Exposition: 'The Cold War's over.'
Austin Powers: 'Ah, finally those capitalist pigs will pay for their crimes, eh? Eh, comrades? Eh?'
Basil Exposition: 'Austin, we won.'
Austin Powers: 'Oh, groovy, smashing. Yay capitalism!'

An Evil Tantrum

Dr. Evil: 'You know, I have one simple request. And that is to have sharks with frickin' laser beams attached to their heads! Now evidently my cycloptic colleague informs me that that cannot be done. Ah, would you remind me what I pay you people for, honestly? Throw me a bone here! What do we have?'
Number Two: 'Sea Bass.'
Dr. Evil: 'Right.'
Number Two: 'They're mutated sea bass.'
Dr. Evil: 'Are they ill tempered?'
Number Two: 'Absolutely.'
Dr. Evil: 'Oh well, that's a start.'

Time For Some Decapitation Jokes!

Austin Powers: 'Not the time to lose one's head.'
Vanessa Kensington: 'No.'
Austin Powers: 'That's not the way to get ahead in life.'
Vanessa Kensington: 'No.'
Austin Powers: 'It's a shame he wasn't more headstrong.'
Vanessa Kensington: 'Hmm.'
Austin Powers: 'He'll never be the head of a major corporation.'
Vanessa Kensington: 'Okay, that'll do.'
Austin Powers: 'Okay.'

Sunday, October 4, 2009

Dr. Evil's Guide To Evil

'Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to my underground lair. I have gathered here before me the world's deadliest assassins, and yet each of you has failed to kill Austin Powers. That makes me angry. And when Dr. Evil gets angry, Mr. Bigglesworth gets upset. And when Mr. Bigglesworth gets upset... people DIE!'
'It's Dr. Evil, I didn't spend six years in Evil Medical School to be called "mister," thank you very much.'
'Finally, we come to my number two man. His name? Number Two.'
'There's nothing as pathetic as an aging hipster.'
'The details of my life are quite inconsequential... very well, where do I begin? My father was a relentlessly self-improving boulangerie owner from Belgium with low grade narcolepsy and a penchant for buggery. My mother was a fifteen year old French prostitute named Chloe with webbed feet. My father would womanize, he would drink. He would make outrageous claims like he invented the question mark. Sometimes he would accuse chestnuts of being lazy. The sort of general malaise that only the genius possess and the insane lament. My childhood was typical. Summers in Rangoon, luge lessons. In the spring we'd make meat helmets. When I was insolent I was placed in a burlap bag and beaten with reeds- pretty standard really. At the age of twelve I received my first scribe. At the age of fourteen a Zoroastrian named Vilma ritualistically shaved my testicles. There really is nothing like a shorn scrotum... it's breathtaking- I highly suggest you try it.'
'Do you like your quasi-futuristic clothes Mr. Powers? I designed them myself.'
'Why must I be surrounded by frickin' idiots?'
'I'm gonna get you Austin Powers! It's fricken freezing in here Mr. Bigglesworth.'
'I like to see girls of that... caliber. By "caliber," of course, I refer to both the size of their gun barrels and the high quality of their characters... Two meanings... caliber... it's a homonym... Forget it.'
'One more peep out of you and you're grounded Mister and I am not joking. Let's begin.'

Friday, October 2, 2009

The Wit And Wisdom (Or Lack Thereof) of Austin Powers

'Jimi Hendrix deceased, drugs. Janis Joplin deceased, alcohol. Mama Cass deceased, ham sandwich.'
'You know, it's amazing how the English countryside looks exactly like Southern California.'
'My name is Richie Cunningham, and this is my lovely wife, Oprah.'
'Wait Vanessa, I can explain. You see, I was looking for Dr. Evil when the Fembots came out and smoke started coming out of their jomblies. So I started to work my mojo, to counter their mojo; we got cross-mojulation, and their heads started exploding.'
'That really hurt! I'm gonna have a lump there, you idiot! Who throws a shoe? Honestly! You fight like a woman!'
'That's not your mother, it's a man, baby!'
'Well, no offense, but if that is a woman it looks like she was beaten with an ugly stick!'
'I think you're shagedelic baby! You're switched on! You're smashing! You're shagadelic, baby!'
'Yeah, and I can't believe Liberace was gay. I mean, women loved him! I didn't see that one coming.'
'Why take the escalator when I have a perfectly good canoe right here?'
'I've been frozen for 30 years. I've got to see if my bits and pieces are still working.'
'She's the village bicycle! Everybody's had a ride.'
'Name? Austin Danger Powers. Sex? Yes please!'
'Actually, my name is Austin Powers. Danger is my middle name.'
'Smashing Baby! When this ship comes a' rockin', don't come a' knockin', baby!'
'This is my happening and it freaks me out!'
'Do I make you horny? Randy? Do I make you horny, baby, yeah, do I?'
'Allow myself to introduce... myself.'
'I won't bite... hard.'
'Margaret Thatcher naked on a cold day! Margaret Thatcher naked on a cold day!'
'Its time to swing, baby.'
'Ooo, Behave!'

Thursday, October 1, 2009

Kids These Days

Dr. Evil: 'All right guard, begin the unnecessarily slow-moving dipping mechanism.'
Dr. Evil: 'Close the tank!'
Scott Evil: 'Wait, aren't you even going to watch them? They could get away!'
Dr. Evil: 'No no no, I'm going to leave them alone and not actually witness them dying, I'm just gonna assume it all went to plan. What?'
Scott Evil: 'I have a gun, in my room, you give me five seconds, I'll get it, I'll come back down here, BOOM, I'll blow their brains out!'
Dr. Evil: 'Scott, you just don't get it, do ya? You don't.'

What A Beautiful Animosity

Dr. Evil: 'Scott, I want you to meet daddy's nemesis, Austin Powers.'
Scott Evil: 'What? Are you feeding him? Why don't you just kill him?'
Dr. Evil: 'I have an even better idea. I'm going to place him in an easily escapable situation involving an overly elaborate and exotic death.'