Wednesday, November 11, 2009

It's Good To Be The King

Bridgekeeper: 'Stop. Who would cross the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three, ere the other side he see.'
Sir Lancelot: 'Ask me the questions, bridgekeeper. I am not afraid.'
Bridgekeeper: 'What... is your name?'
Sir Lancelot: 'My name is Sir Lancelot of Camelot.'
Bridgekeeper: 'What... is your quest?'
Sir Lancelot: 'To seek the Holy Grail.'
Bridgekeeper: 'What... is your favourite colour?'
Sir Lancelot: 'Blue.'
Bridgekeeper: 'Go on. Off you go.
Sir Lancelot: 'Oh, thank you. Thank you very much.'
Sir Robin: 'That's easy.'
Bridgekeeper: 'Stop. Who would cross the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three, ere the other side he see.'
Sir Robin: 'Ask me the questions, bridgekeeper. I'm not afraid.'
Bridgekeeper: 'What... is your name?'
Sir Robin: 'Sir Robin of Camelot.'
Bridgekeeper: 'What... is your quest?'
Sir Robin: 'To seek the Holy Grail.'
Bridgekeeper: 'What... is the capital of Assyria?'
Sir Robin: 'I don't know that. Auuuuuuuugh.'
Bridgekeeper: 'Stop. What... is your name?'
Sir Galahad: 'Sir Galahad of Camelot.'
Bridgekeeper: 'What... is your quest?'
Sir Galahad: 'I seek the Grail.'
Bridgekeeper: 'What... is your favourite colour?'
Sir Galahad: 'Blue. No, yel...' auuuuuuuugh.
Bridgekeeper: 'Hee hee heh. Stop. What... is your name?'
King Arthur: 'It is Arthur, King of the Britons.'
Bridgekeeper: 'What... is your quest?'
King Arthur: 'To seek the Holy Grail.'
Bridgekeeper: 'What... is the air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow?'
King Arthur: 'What do you mean? An African or European swallow?'
Bridgekeeper: 'Huh? I... I don't know that. Auuuuuuuugh.'
Sir Bedevere: 'How do know so much about swallows?'
King Arthur: 'Well, you have to know these things when you're a king, you know.'

Monday, November 9, 2009

Black as Night, Stupid as Wood

King Arthur: 'You fight with the strength of many men, Sir Knight.'
King Arthur: 'I am Arthur, King of the Britons.'
King Arthur: 'I seek the bravest and the finest knights in the land who will join me in my court at Camelot.'
King Arthur: 'You have proved yourself worthy. Will you join me?'
King Arthur: 'You make me sad. So be it. Come, Patsy!'
Black Knight: 'None shall pass.'
King Arthur: 'What?'
Black Knight: 'None shall pass!'
King Arthur: 'I have no quarrel with you, good Sir Knight. But I must cross this bridge.'
Black Knight: 'Then you shall die.'
King Arthur: 'I command you, as King of the Britons, to stand aside!'
Black Knight: 'I move for no man.'
King Arthur: 'So be it!'
King Arthur: 'Now, stand aside, worthy adversary!'
Black Knight: ''Tis but a scratch!'
King Arthur: 'A scratch? Your arm's off!'
Black Knight: 'No, it isn't!'
King Arthur: 'Well, what's that then?'
Black Knight: 'I've had worse.'
King Arthur: 'You liar!'
Black Knight: 'Come on, you pansy!'
King Arthur: 'Victory is mine!'
King Arthur: 'We thank thee, Lord, that in thy mercy -'
Black Knight: 'Come on, then.'
King Arthur: 'What?'
Black Knight: 'Have at you!'
King Arthur: 'You are indeed brave, Sir Knight, but the fight is mine!'
Black Knight: 'Oh, had enough, eh?'
King Arthur: 'Look, you stupid bastard. You've got no arms left!'
Black Knight: 'Right, I'll do you for that!'
King Arthur: 'You'll what?'
Black Knight: 'Come here!'
King Arthur: 'What are you gonna do, bleed on me?'
Black Knight: 'I'm invincible!'
King Arthur: '...You're a loony.'
Black Knight: 'All right, we'll call it a draw.'
King Arthur: 'Come, Patsy.'
Black Knight: 'Oh, oh, I see! Running away, eh? You yellow bastards! Come back here and take what's coming to you! I'll bite your legs off!'

Friday, November 6, 2009

A Wolf in Rabbit's Clothing

Tim: 'There he is!'
King Arthur: 'Where?'
Tim: 'There!'
King Arthur: 'What? Behind the rabbit?'
Tim: 'It is the rabbit!'
King Arthur: 'You silly sod!'
Tim: 'What?'
King Arthur: 'You got us all worked up!'
Tim: 'Well, that's no ordinary rabbit.'
King Arthur: 'Ohh.'
Tim: 'That's the most foul, cruel, and bad-tempered rodent you ever set eyes on!'
Sir Robin: 'You tit! I soiled my armor I was so scared!'
Tim: 'Look, that rabbit's got a vicious streak a mile wide! It's a killer!'
Sir Galahad: 'Get stuffed!'
Tim: 'He'll do you up a treat, mate.'
Sir Galahad: 'Oh, yeah?'
Sir Robin: 'You manky Scots git!'
Tim: 'I'm warning you!'
Sir Robin: 'What's he do? Nibble your bum?'
Tim: 'He's got huge, sharp... er... He can leap about. Look at the bones!'
King Arthur: 'Go on, Bors. Chop his head off!'
Sir Bors: 'Right! Silly little bleeder. One rabbit stew comin' right up!'

Thursday, November 5, 2009

Famous Last Words

King Arthur: 'What does it say, Brother Maynard?'
Brother Maynard: 'It reads, "Here may be found the last words of Joseph of Aramathia. He who is valiant and pure of spirit may find the holy grail in the Castle of Aaauuuggghhh..."'
King Arthur: 'What?'
Brother Maynard: '"The Castle of Aaaauuuggghhhh"'
Sir Bedevere: 'What is that?'
Brother Maynard: 'He must have died while carving it.'
King Arthur: 'Oh come on!'
Brother Maynard: 'Well, that's what it says.'
King Arthur: 'Look, if he was dying, he wouldn't have bothered to carve 'Aaaauuuggghhhh'. He'd just say it.'
Sir Galahad: 'Maybe he was dictating it.'
King Arthur: 'Oh shut up!'
Sir Robin: 'Well does it say anything else?'
Brother Maynard: 'No, just "Aaaaauuuugggghhh".'
Sir Bedevere: 'Do you think he could have meant, 'Camaaaauuuuggghhhh'?'
Sir Galahad: 'Where's that?'
Sir Bedevere: 'France, I think.'
Sir Lancelot: 'Isn't there a Saint "Aaaaavvvveeeesss" in Cornwall?'
King Arthur: 'No that's Saint "Ives".'
Sir Lancelot: 'Oh, yes. "Iiiiiivvvveeessss"!'
Sir Bedevere: 'Whooooouuuuaaa!'
Sir Lancelot: 'No no no, it's "Aaaaauuuugggghhhh" from the back of the throat.'
Sir Bedevere: 'No I mean, "Whoooouuuuaaa!" as in surprise and alarm.'
Sir Lancelot: 'Oh, you mean like, "AAAHH!"'

Monday, November 2, 2009

Birds and Coconuts

Soldier: 'Who goes there?'
King Arthur: 'It is I, Arthur, son of Uther Pendragon, from the castle of Camelot. King of the Britons, defeater of the Saxons, Sovereign of all England!'
Soldier: 'Pull the other one!'
King Arthur: 'I am, and this is my trusty servant Patsy. We have ridden the length and breadth of the land in search of knights who will join me in my court at Camelot. I must speak with your lord and master.'
Soldier: 'What? Ridden on a horse?'
King Arthur: 'Yes!'
Soldier: 'You're using coconuts!'
King Arthur: 'What?'
Soldier: 'You've got two empty halves of coconut and you're bangin' 'em together.'
King Arthur: 'So? We have ridden since the snows of winter covered this land, through the kingdom of Mercia, through...'
Soldier: 'Where'd you get the coconuts?'
King Arthur: 'We found them.'
Soldier: 'Found them? In Mercia? The coconut's tropical!'
King Arthur: 'What do you mean?'
Soldier: 'Well, this is a temperate zone.'
King Arthur: 'The swallow may fly south with the sun or the house martin or the plover may seek warmer climes in winter, yet these are not strangers to our land?'
Soldier: 'Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?'
King Arthur: 'Not at all. They could be carried.'
Soldier: 'What? A swallow carrying a coconut?'
King Arthur: 'It could grip it by the husk!'
Soldier: 'It's not a question of where he grips it! It's a simple question of weight ratios! A five ounce bird could not carry a one pound coconut.'
King Arthur: 'Well, it doesn't matter. Will you go and tell your master that Arthur from the Court of Camelot is here?'
Soldier: 'Listen. In order to maintain air-speed velocity, a swallow needs to beat its wings forty-three times every second, right?'
King Arthur: 'Please!'
Soldier: 'Am I right?'
King Arthur: 'I'm not interested!'
Second Soldier: 'It could be carried by an African swallow.'
King Arthur: 'Will you ask your master if he wants to join my court at Camelot?'
Soldier: 'Oh yeah, an African swallow, maybe, but not a European swallow. That's my point.'
Second Soldier: 'But then the African swallow's not migratory...'

Quite A List

Minstrel: 'Bravely bold Sir Robin rode forth from Camelot. He was not afraid to die, oh brave Sir Robin. He was not at all afraid to be killed in nasty ways, brave, brave, brave, brave Sir Robin. He was not in the least bit scared to be mashed into a pulp, or to have his eyes gouged out, and his elbows broken. To have his kneecaps split, and his body burned away, and his limbs all hacked and mangled, brave Sir Robin. His head smashed in and heart cut out, and his liver removed, and his bowels unplugged, and his nostrils raped and his bottom burned off and his penis...'
Sir Robin: 'That's, uh, that's enough music for now, lads... looks like there's dirty work afoot.'

Large Fields

Swamp Castle King: 'We live in a bloody swamp. We need all the land we can get.'
Prince Herbert: 'But I don't like her.'
Swamp Castle King: 'Don't like her? What's wrong with her? She's beautiful, she's rich, she's got huge... tracts of land.'

The Virtue of Persistance

Swamp Castle King: 'When I first came here, this was all swamp. Everyone said I was daft to build a castle on a swamp, but I built it all the same, just to show them. It sank into the swamp. So I built a second one. That sank into the swamp. So I built a third. That burned down, fell over, then sank into the swamp. But the fourth one stayed up. And that's what you're going to get, Lad, the strongest castle in all of England.'

Systemic Violence

Dennis: 'Come and see the violence inherent in the system. Help! Help! I'm being repressed!'
King Arthur: 'Bloody peasant!'
Dennis: 'Oh, what a giveaway! Did you hear that? Did you hear that, eh? That's what I'm on about! Did you see him repressing me? You saw him, Didn't you?'

Thursday, October 29, 2009

Royal Selection

King Arthur: 'I am your king.'
Woman: 'Well I didn't vote for you.'
King Arthur: 'You don't vote for kings.'
Woman: 'Well how'd you become king then?'
King Arthur: 'The Lady of the Lake, her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite held aloft Excalibur from the bosom of the water, signifying by divine providence that I, Arthur, was to carry Excalibur. THAT is why I am your king.'
Dennis: 'Listen, strange women lyin' in ponds distributin' swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.'
Dennis: 'You can't expect to wield supreme executive power just because some watery tart threw a sword at you.'
Dennis: 'If I went 'round sayin' I was Emperor, just because some moistened bint lobbed a scimitar at me, they'd put me away.'

Putting Theory Into Practice

Woman: 'Oh. How do you do?'
King Arthur: 'How do you do, good lady? I am Arthur, King of the Britons. Whose castle is that?'
Woman: 'King of the who?'
King Arthur: 'King of the Britons.'
Woman: 'Who are the Britons?'
King Arthur: 'Well, we all are. We are all Britons. And I am your king.'
Woman: 'I didn't know we had a king. I thought we were an autonomous collective.'
Dennis: 'You're foolin' yourself! We're living in a dictatorship. A self-perpetuating autocracy in which the working class...'
Woman: 'Oh, there you go bringing class into it again.'
Dennis: 'Well, that's what it's all about! If only people would...'
King Arthur: 'Please, please, good people, I am in haste. Who lives in that castle?'
Woman: 'No one lives there.'
King Arthur: 'Then who is your lord?'
Woman: 'We don't have a lord.'
Dennis: 'I told you, we're an anarcho-syndicalist commune. We take it in turns to be a sort of executive officer for the week...'
King Arthur: 'Yes...'
Dennis: '...but all the decisions of that officer have to be ratified at a special bi-weekly meeting...'
King Arthur: 'Yes I see...'
Dennis: ' a simple majority in the case of purely internal affairs...'
King Arthur: 'Be quiet!'
Dennis: '...but by a two thirds majority in the case of...'
King Arthur: 'Be quiet! I order you to be quiet!'
Woman: 'Order, eh? Who does he think he is?'

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Bloody Peasant

King Arthur: 'Old woman.'
Dennis: 'Man.'
King Arthur: 'Man, sorry. What knight lives in that castle over there?'
Dennis: 'I'm 37.'
King Arthur: 'What?'
Dennis: 'I'm 37. I'm not old.'
King Arthur: 'Well I can't just call you "man".'
Dennis: 'Well you could say "Dennis".'
King Arthur: 'I didn't know you were called Dennis.'
Dennis: 'Well you didn't bother to find out did you?'
King Arthur: 'I did say sorry about the "old woman", but from behind you looked...'
Dennis: 'What I object to is you automatically treating me like an inferior.'
King Arthur: 'Well I am king.'
Dennis: 'Oh, king eh? Very nice. And how'd you get that, eh? By exploiting the workers. By hanging on to outdated imperialist dogma which perpetuates the economic and social differences in our society.'

Monty Python and the Holy Grail (1975)

Minstrel: 'Brave Sir Robin ran away...'
Sir Robin: 'No!'
Minstrel: 'Bravely ran away away...'
Sir Robin: 'I didn't!'
Minstrel: 'When danger reared its ugly head, he bravely turned his tail and fled.'
Sir Robin: 'I never did!'
Minstrel: 'Yes, brave Sir Robin turned about, and valiantly, he chickened out.'
Sir Robin: 'Oh, you liars!'
Minstrel: 'Bravely taking to his feet, he beat a very brave retreat. A brave retreat by brave Sir Robin.'

Tuesday, October 27, 2009


Ricky Bobby: 'This is Ricky Bobby.'
Cal Naughton Jr.: 'And I'm Cal Naughton Junior.'
Ricky Bobby: 'Urging you not to go to Tijuana.'

No Wussies! 2

Larry Dennit Jr.: 'That little obscene gesture is going to cost us a bundle.'
Ricky Bobby: 'With all due respect, I didn't realize you'd gotten experimental surgery to get your balls removed.'

Breaking the Habit

Lucius Washington: 'Guys! No tires! We're not a pit crew anymore, we're a car wash team.'
Glenn: 'Sorry, Lucius. Hard habit to break. Like stalking an ex-girlfriend.'

The Magic Man and El Diablo

Cal Naughton Jr.: 'Shake 'n Bake!'
Ricky Bobby: 'No, never again.'
Cal Naughton Jr.: 'You're right. I was like a total dick, man.'
Ricky Bobby: 'From now on, you're the Magic Man and I'm El Diablo.'
Cal Naughton Jr.: 'What does Diablo mean?'
Ricky Bobby: 'It's like... Spanish for like a fighting chicken.'

Nobody Lives Forever

Lucius Washington: 'You're not gonna live forever.'
Ricky Bobby: 'No one lives forever, no one. But with advances in modern science and my high level income, it's not crazy to think I can live to be 245, maybe 300. Heck, I just read in the newspaper that they put a pig heart in some guy from Russia. Do you know what that means?'
Lucius Washington: 'No, I don't know what that means. I guess longer life.'
Ricky Bobby: 'No, he didn't live. It's just exciting that we're trying things like that.'

No Wussies!

Chip: 'Are you just going to let your sons talk to their grandfather like this?'
Ricky Bobby: 'Hell yes I am! They are winners! That is how winners talk!'
Carley Bobby: 'If we wanted two wussies, we would have named them Dr. Quinn and Medicine Woman!'

Monday, October 26, 2009

Paternity Testing Needed

Reese Bobby: 'Now, you show me the DNA test and then maybe I'll, uh... I'll say hello to these swamp rats.'
Frank: 'You people shut the hell up! I got a wife in an oxygen tent tryin' to sleep!'
Reese Bobby: 'You better shut the hell up or I'll come over there and rip a hole in that tent!'
Lucy Bobby: 'Yeah, shut up, Frank!'
Walker: 'Go shave your balls, you dusty old fart!'
Reese Bobby: 'Okay, I guess they are my grand-kids.'

DVD Bonus!

Ricky Bobby: 'Hey. I lost my license. That's why I'm on the bus... I'm delivering pizzas.'
Passenger on Bus: 'Mothaf*cka, what makes you think I care? Shut the f*ck up!'
Ricky Bobby: 'I'm just telling you that 'cause, like I said, I lost my license. I've just been having a lot of problems lately.'
Passenger on Bus: 'Problems? I don't want to hear about your damn problems! Everybody's got problems! My momma got problems she just lost her leg! My cousin Pookie just lost a testicle! My dog just threw up somebody's finger! That's a problem!'
Ricky Bobby: 'I really regret opening my mouth and talking to you.'

The Heart of the Problem

Texas Ranger: 'Someone didn't love you enough when you were little, did they?'
Reese Bobby: 'That's a good call.'

Vindictive Much?

Ricky Bobby: 'You sick sons of bitches. I mean you walk in that door, on your two legs, all fat and cocky and lookin' at me in my chair. And you tell me its all in my head? I hope that both of you have sons - Handsome, beautiful, articulate sons, who are talented and star athletes and they have their legs taken away. I mean I pray you know that pain and that hurt.'
Lucius Washington: 'Don't you put that evil on me, Ricky Bobby! Don't you put that on us! You are NOT paralyzed!'

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Walker, Texas Ranger

'Shut those mutts up before I cook 'em and eat 'em!' ~ Texas Ranger
'My friends and I skipped school and we filled up a cup of pee and tried to get our neighbors dog to drink it. But he wouldn't.' ~ Walker
'Why, if it isn't our mangy, transient grandfather.' ~ Texas Ranger
'Hey there, Popeye!' ~ Texas Ranger
'Aw, Grandma, not my prison shank!' ~ Texas Ranger
'Please let us not resolve our problems with fighting.' ~ Texas Ranger
'You look old, Granny are you gonna die today?' ~ Texas Ranger

I (Heart) You Man

Ricky Bobby: 'I get emotional. You guys are workin' so hard, and I'm just so proud of you. You remind me of me, precocious and full of wonderment.'
Cal Naughton Jr.: 'I tell you what, Ricky, you are truly blessed. These two are two in a million, just like Carley's ta-tas. You won't find another rack like that, I guarantee it.'
Carley Bobby: 'Thank you, Cal.'
Walker: 'That's real sweet of you, Cal.'
Ricky Bobby: 'Cal, that's a real nice sentiment. That's about one of the nicest things you ever said.'
Cal Naughton Jr.: 'Well, I mean it.'
Carley Bobby: 'Stop it, gonna make me cry.'
Cal Naughton Jr.: 'Comes from the heart.'

Team Bonding

Cal Naughton Jr.: 'Did he just say "husband"?'
Herschell: 'Wow. Dennit hired a gay Frenchman as your teammate!'
Ricky Bobby: 'The room's startin to spin real fast... cause of... cause of all the gayness. Cal... I love you.'
Cal Naughton Jr.: 'Ricky!Ricky! Oh God!'

The Wit And Wisdom of Cal Naughton Jr.

'I like to think of Jesus as a mischievous badger.'
'Shake and bake!'
'I like to think of Jesus as an Ice Dancer, dressed in an all-white jumpsuit, and doing an interpretive dance of my life.'
'So when you say psychosomatic, you mean like he could start a fire with his thoughts?'
'I had a dream where Jesus was a dirty old bum, and I was about to sock him in the face because, well he's a dirty old bum, but then I thought, there's something special about him...'
'Remember that time in tenth grade when we got kicked out of class for playing with Matchbox cars? Who's the retard now?'
'There is something I want to get off my chest. It's about that summer, when you went away to community college. I got an offer to do Playgirl Magazine, and I did it. I did a full spread for Playgirl Magazine. I mean spread man, I pulled my butt apart and stuff. I was totally nude. it was weird, I... I mean you probably didn't hear about it because I went under the name of Mike Honcho. But I just wanted you to know that. If you can hear me, if it got into your brain somehow. That I spread my buttcheeks as Mike Honcho.'
'I like to picture Jesus in a tuxedo T-Shirt because it says I want to be formal, but I'm here to party.'
'I like to think of Jesus like with giant eagles wings, and singin' lead vocals for Lynyrd Skynyrd with like an angel band and I'm in the front row and I'm hammered drunk!'
'Please don't let the invisible fire burn my friend!'

The Wit And Wisdom of Jean Girard

'Hakuna Matata, bitches!'
'You spilled my macchiato!'
'Aaaaah, Ricky Bobby! Now we shall dance. And yes, it will be a slow jam.'
'By the way, I watched the Highlander movie, it was shit!'
'Now it is time for the matador to dance with the blind shoe-maker!'

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

The Wit And Wisdom of Ricky Bobby

'Yep, flying through the air, this is not good.'
'This sticker is dangerous and inconvenient, but I do love fig newtons.'
'Holy moly, that's like lookin' up Yasmine Bleeth's skirt!'
'Help me Jesus! Help me Jewish God! Help me Allah! AAAAAHHH! Help me Tom Cruise! Tom Cruise, use your witchcraft on me to get the fire off me!'
'Hey. I'm Ricky Bobby. Christmas is right around the corner. And what better gift to give a loved one than the Jackhawk 9000. Available at Wal-Mart.'
'Hey! It's me, America!'
'Hi, I'm Ricky Bobby. If you don't chew Big Red, then f-*bleep* you.'
'Dear Lord baby Jesus, lyin' there in your ghost manger, just lookin' at your Baby Einstein developmental videos, learnin' 'bout shapes and colors. I would like to thank you for bringin' me and my mama together, and also that my kids no longer sound like retarded gang-bangers.'
'If you ain't first, you're last. You know, you know what I'm talking about? That there is trademarked, not to be used without written permission of Ricky Bobby, Inc.'
'Please be 18.'
'Here's the deal I'm the best there is. Plain and simple. I wake up in the morning and I piss excellence.'
'Where are you, Pepé Le Bitch?'
'I'd love to sign your baby!'
'Hey. I'm Ricky Bobby. When you're workin' on your mysterious lady parts and stuff, you should have the right tools too. That's why you should use... MayPax. The official tampon of NASCAR.'
'I'm embarrassed. I really thought I could feel it.'
'Slingshot: engaged.'
'I've sent in my application to the Real World. So I'm hoping to hear back from that. I'm putting a lot of my eggs into that basket, the MTV basket. I'm also thinking about getting a gun, and dealing crack. Being a crack dealer. Not like a mean crack dealer, but like... like a nice one. Kinda friendly like, "hey, what's up guys? Want some crack?" I'm just waiting on those two things to flesh themselves out.'
'I'm just a big hairy American winning machine, you know?'
'Losing is never fun, but here's a little something to keep your spirits up. It's real nice, I got it at Target. It was on sale.'
'Get back, I'll windmill ya.'

I (Crossed-Out Heart) Crepes

Jean Girard: 'Bon. So, what if you just said: "I love really thin pancakes"? That is a fair compromise, no?'
Kyle: 'That is a fair compromise.'
Herschell: 'Very fair, actually.'
Ricky Bobby: 'No! Because then everyone would know I really meant crêpes!'
Kyle: 'That's actually a pretty good compromise right there.'
Jean Girard: 'Why do you want me to break your arm so badly?'
Ricky Bobby: You don't understand. You don't understand because you don't understand liberty. You don't understand freedom. So you put a crack in my arm like the crack in the Liberty Bell! You hear me?'
Cal Naughton Jr.: 'Hey. This is just between you and me, okay? I mean, forget all these other guys. But he did give you a pretty decent out. But it's your call.'
Ricky Bobby: 'What do you think?'
Cal Naughton Jr.: 'Don't say it.'
Ricky Bobby: 'Yeah. I'm not gonna say it. Nope. Break it, Pepé Le Pew!'
Jean Girard: 'As you wish.'
Ricky Bobby: 'He actually did it!'

Monday, October 19, 2009

I (Heart) Crepes!

Jean Girard: 'I will let you go, Ricky. But first, I want you to say..."I... love... crepes."'
Cal Naughton Jr.: 'Don't you say it, Ricky. These colors don't run.'
Ricky Bobby: 'I'm not gonna say it.'
Cal Naughton Jr.: 'Good.'
Ricky Bobby: 'Hey, look, Frenchy, I thought about it. So why don't you go ahead and break my arm?'
Jean Girard: 'I do not want to break your arm, Monsieur Bobby, but I am a man of my word.'
Ricky Bobby: 'Here's the deal. He's not gonna break it because I'm gonna slip out of it right now. Houdini!'
Jean Girard: 'Whoa! Get down, you little pancake.'
Ricky Bobby: 'Someone might as well get me a beer while I'm down here.'
Jean Girard: 'But you have forced me to do this. You are now mocking me and making me look ridiculous. Just say, "I love crepes."'
Cal Naughton Jr.: 'You know, just to put this in there, I had a whole mess of crepes this morning. They're just like pancakes, maybe even better.'
Ricky Bobby: 'Wait, are they the really thin pancakes?'
Cal Naughton Jr.: 'Yeah.'
Jean Girard: 'Yes they are. They are the really thin pancakes. It's just a French word for them.'
Ricky Bobby: 'Oh, my god, I love those.'
Cal Naughton Jr.: 'Put any syrups you want on them. I'm just saying, think about it.'
Ricky Bobby: 'They come with cheese sometimes?'
Jean Girard: 'Yes, of course, a fromage-crepe.'
Ricky Bobby: 'Well, why didn't someone yell that right-right away?'
Jean Girard: 'Do you know what's in the crepe suzette?'
Ricky Bobby: 'Oh, I love the crepe suzette.'
Jean Girard: 'With the sugar and lemon juice...'
Ricky Bobby: 'Yeah, the sugar and the lemon juice. Sure.'
Jean Girard: 'Grand Marnier.'
Ricky Bobby: 'I wish I could crawl into one of those right now. I'd eat my way out from the inside.'

The Challenge Is Accepted

Ricky Bobby: 'What's going on?'
Jean Girard: 'Soon you will know what it is like to be beaten by the hands of somebody who is truly better than you. As William Blake wrote "The catworm forgives the plow".'
Ricky Bobby: 'Well I got something for you from the late great Colonel Sanders who said "I'm too drunk to taste this chicken."'
Jean Girard: 'What's that got to do with this?'
Cal Naughton Jr.: 'I got a message for all of 'em. Shake... and bake.'
Ricky Bobby: 'What does that do? Does that blow your mind? That just happened!'
Jean Girard: 'What is that a catch phrase or is that, uh, epilepsy?'
Cal Naughton Jr.: 'Shake and bake.'
Jean Girard: 'What?'
Cal Naughton Jr.: 'Shake and bake.'
Jean Girard: 'Listen you better be careful because tomorrow you're going to get beaten. Beaten real bad cowboy!'
Ricky Bobby: 'Really?'
Jean Girard: 'Yes!'

Sunday, October 18, 2009

Throwing Down The Gauntlet

Ricky Bobby: 'I came here to tell you one thing. Come race time tomorrow I'm coming for you.'
Jean Girard: 'Do you know why I came to America Monsieur Bobby?'
Ricky Bobby: 'Health care systems, giant water parks. The same reason anyone comes to America.'
Jean Girard: 'I came here for you to beat me.'
Ricky Bobby: 'What are you talking about?''
Jean Girard: My husband Gregory and I want only that what every other couple wants. To tame komodo dragons in Sri Lanka and teach them to perform Hamlet but before I can do that...'
Ricky Bobby: 'That's dumb.'
Jean Girard: 'It's not dumb.'
Ricky Bobby: 'It is dumb.'
Jean Girard: 'Why is it dumb?'
Ricky Bobby: 'I don't know'.
Jean Girard: 'But before I can do that I must be beaten by a driver who is truly better than me.'
Ricky Bobby: 'You saying you're going to lose to me on purpose?'
Jean Girard: 'No.'
Ricky Bobby: 'No?'
Jean Girard: 'NO! I will battle you with the entirety of my heart and you will probably lose. But maybe, just maybe. You might challenge me. The Beatles needed the Rolling Stones. Even Diane Sawyer needed Katie Couric. Will you be my Katie Couric?'
Ricky Bobby: 'Wow I feel like I'm in the Highlander.'
Jean Girard: 'What's the Highlander?'
Ricky Bobby: 'It's a movie.'
Jean Girard: 'Oh any good?'
Ricky Bobby: 'Very good. It won the academy award.'
Jean Girard: 'Oh for what?'
Ricky Bobby: 'Best movie ever made. Look I came here to tell you tomorrow I'm coming for you.'
Jean Girard: 'May god be with you Monsieur Bobby. Because although today I am friendly. Tomorrow will be war!'
Ricky Bobby: 'Alright.'

Meet the Gay Frenchman

Jean Girard: 'My name is Jean Girard and I am a racing-car driver just like you except I am from Formula One. I am the greatest one in the whole world. I have been following your career with great interest, Monsieur Bobby.'
Ricky Bobby: 'I can't understand a word you've said the whole time.'
Cal Naughton Jr.: 'Did you eat some peanut butter or something?'
Ricky Bobby: 'Yeah, you sound like a dog with peanut butter on the roof of your mouth.'
Jean Girard: 'I think what you are hearing is my accent. I am French.'
Ricky Bobby: 'You say you're French?'
Jean Girard: 'Oui.'
Ricky Bobby: 'We? No, we are not French. We're American, because you're in America, okay? Greatest country on the planet.'
Jean Girard: 'Well, what have you given the world apart from George Bush, Cheerios, and the ThighMaster?'
Ricky Bobby: 'Chinese food?'
Cal Naughton Jr.: 'Chinese food.'
Jean Girard: 'That's from China.'
Ricky Bobby: 'Pizza.'
Jean Girard: 'Italy.'
Cal Naughton Jr.: 'Chimichanga.'
Jean Girard: 'Mexico.'
Ricky Bobby: 'Really, smarty-pants? What did French land give us?'
Jean Girard: 'We invented democracy, existentialism, and the blowjob.'
Cal Naughton Jr.: 'Those are three pretty good things.'
Ricky Bobby: 'Hey.'
Cal Naughton Jr.: 'Well that last one's pretty cool.'

Saturday, October 17, 2009

School Days

Ricky Bobby: 'How was school today, boys?'
Walker: 'I threw a bunch of Grandpa Chip's war medals off the bridge.'
Ricky Bobby: 'Sounds like a good day. How 'bout you, TR?'
Texas Ranger: 'The teacher asked me what was the capital of North Carolina. I said Washington, D.C.'
Cal Naughton, Jr.: 'Bingo.'
Ricky Bobby: 'Nice.'
Texas Ranger: 'She said "No, you're wrong." I said "You got a lumpy butt." She got mad at me and yelled at me and I pissed in my pants and I never did change my pee-pants all day. I'm still sittin' in my dirty pee-pants.'
Cal Naughton, Jr.: 'I wet my bed until I was nineteen. There's no shame in that.'

The Start of a Beautiful Friendship

Schoolteacher: 'Okay, next up is Ricky Bobby. Ricky, is your father here?'
Ricky Bobby: 'No, ma'am. I haven't seen my daddy in years. But, my mama say he's out racing cars, and, well, dipping his wick in anything that moves.'
Schoolteacher: 'Okay, kids, that's enough. Were gonna move on to Brennan.'
Cal Naughton Jr.: 'Don't pay them no mind, Ricky.'
Ricky Bobby: 'Thanks, Cal. Shake and Bake. You'll be my best friend forever.'

Career Day Advice

Reese Bobby: 'Excuse me, darling. I'm Reese Bobby. I'm here for career day with my son, Ricky.'
Ricky Bobby: 'Dad!'
Reese Bobby: 'Hey there, boy! Man, you got big. How long's it been? Three, four months?'
Ricky Bobby: 'Ten years.'
Reese Bobby: 'Ten years? Man, I gotta lay off the peyote.'
Schoolteacher: 'Mr. Bobby, there's no smoking in here.'
Reese Bobby: 'Oh, it's all right, darling, I'm a volunteer fireman. Okay, I am a semi-professional race car driver and an amateur tattoo artist.'
Classmates: 'Oooohhhh!'
Reese Bobby: 'And the first thing you gotta learn if you're gonna be a race car driver, is that you don't listen to losers like your know-it-all teacher here.'
Schoolteacher: 'Okay, I think that's enough.'
Reese Bobby: 'Your teacher wants you to go slow, and she's wrong because it's the fastest who get paid and it's the fastest who get laid.'

Friday, October 16, 2009

Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby (2006)

Chip: 'I can't hold my tongue. These kids are my grandchildren and you are raising them wrong. They are terrible boys!'
Walker: 'Shut up, Chip, or I'll go ape-shit on your ass!'
Texas Ranger: 'I'm gonna scissor-kick you in the back of the head!'
Cal Naughton, Jr.: 'Yeah!'
Ricky Bobby: 'Yeah! Now turn up the heat!'
Cal Naughton, Jr.: 'Go on and get some, boys!'
Ricky Bobby: 'Come on!'
Walker: 'I'm ten years old, but I'll beat your ass!'
Texas Ranger: 'Chip, I'm gonna come at you like a spider monkey!'
Cal Naughton, Jr.: 'Like a spider monkey! Go on!'
Ricky Bobby: 'Chip, you brought this on, man.'
Walker: 'Greatest Generation my ass. Tom Brokaw's a punk!'
Chip: 'What is wrong with you?'
Texas Ranger: 'Chip, I'm all jacked up on Mountain Dew!'

Monday, October 12, 2009

Scott's Night Out

'Well my friend Sweet Jay took me to that video arcade in town, right, and they don't speak English there, so Jay got into a fight and he's all, "Hey quit hasslin' me cuz' I don't speak French" or whatever! And then the guy said something in Paris talk, and I'm like, "Just back off!" And they're all, "Get out!" And we're like, "Make me!" It was cool.' ~ Scott Evil

Kids Should Be Seen and Not Heard

Scott Evil: 'It's no hassle...'
Dr. Evil: 'Sh!'
Scott Evil: 'But...'
Dr. Evil: 'Sh!'
Scott Evil: 'I'm...'
Dr. Evil: 'Sh!'
Scott Evil: 'All I'm say...'
Dr. Evil: 'Sh!'
Scott Evil: 'There gonna get a...'
Dr. Evil: 'Sh!'
Scott Evil: 'I'm...'
Dr. Evil: 'Sh!'
Scott Evil: 'I'm just...'
Dr. Evil: 'Sh!'
Scott Evil: 'Would...'
Dr. Evil: 'Sh!... Knock-knock.'
Scott Evil: 'Who's there?'
Dr. Evil: 'Sh!'
Scott Evil: 'But...'
Dr. Evil: 'Let me tell you a little story about a man named Sh! Sh! even before you start. That was a pre-emptive "sh!" Now, I have a whole bag of "sh!" with your name on it.'

Evil Breakfast Cereal

Paddy O'Brien: 'They're always after me lucky charms.'
Paddy O'Brien: 'What? Why does everyone always laugh when I say that? They are after me lucky charms! What!'
Frau Farbissina: 'It's a television commercial. With this cartoon leprechaun, and all of these children are trying to chase him, "Hey, leprechaun, leprechaun man, we want to get your lucky charms." Oh! And there are these little tiny pieces of marshmallow just stuck right in the cereal. So when the kids eat them they think, "Oooh this is candy, I'm having fun!"'

Regrets, I've Had a Few

Scott Evil: 'I hate you! I hate you! I wish I was never artificially created in a lab!'
Dr. Evil: 'Scott, that hurts daddy when you say that. Honestly.'

Fathers and Sons

Dr. Evil: 'Son, wouldn't you like to see what daddy does for a living?'
Scott Evil: 'Blow me.'
Dr. Evil: 'What?'
Scott Evil: 'Show me.'

Friday, October 9, 2009

He Hate Me

Scott Evil: 'I just think, like, he hates me. I really think he wants to kill me.'
Therapist: 'He doesn't really want to kill you. Sometimes we just say that.'
Dr. Evil: 'No actually the boy is quite astute. I really am trying to kill him, but so far unsuccessfully. He's quite wily, like his old man.'

Popsicle Boy

Frau Farbissina: 'Remember when we froze your semen? You said that if it didn't look like you were coming back we should try to create an heir so a part of you would live forever?'
Dr. Evil: 'Oh sure.'
Frau Farbissina: 'Well, after a couple of years we got a little... impatient. Dr Evil, I would like you to meet your son.'
Dr. Evil: 'My son?'
Frau Farbissina: 'Ja. SCOTT!'
Dr. Evil: 'Hello Scott.'
Scott Evil: 'Hi.'
Dr. Evil: 'I'm your father. Dr Evil.'
Scott Evil: 'I haven't seen you my whole life and now you just show up and expect a relationship? I hate you. What?'
Dr. Evil: 'Can I have a hug?'
Scott Evil: 'No.'
Dr. Evil: 'Give me a hug.'
Scott Evil: 'No way.'
Dr. Evil: 'Come on. Let's go. Pronto.'
Scott Evil: 'What are you doing?'
Dr. Evil: 'I'm with it. I'm hip. Well, don't look at me like I'm friggin' Frankenstein! Come here and give your father a hug.'
Scott Evil: 'Get away from me, you lazy-eyed psycho!'
Dr. Evil: 'Hug, hug, hug.'

Scary Things

Austin Powers: 'Only two things scare me and one of them is nuclear war.'
Basil Exposition: 'What's the other?'
Austin Powers: 'Excuse me?'
Basil Exposition: 'What's the other thing that scares you?'
Austin Powers: 'Carnies. Circus folk. Nomads, you know. Smell like cabbage. Small hands.'

Thursday, October 8, 2009

The Walls Came Down?

Basil Exposition: 'The Cold War's over.'
Austin Powers: 'Ah, finally those capitalist pigs will pay for their crimes, eh? Eh, comrades? Eh?'
Basil Exposition: 'Austin, we won.'
Austin Powers: 'Oh, groovy, smashing. Yay capitalism!'

An Evil Tantrum

Dr. Evil: 'You know, I have one simple request. And that is to have sharks with frickin' laser beams attached to their heads! Now evidently my cycloptic colleague informs me that that cannot be done. Ah, would you remind me what I pay you people for, honestly? Throw me a bone here! What do we have?'
Number Two: 'Sea Bass.'
Dr. Evil: 'Right.'
Number Two: 'They're mutated sea bass.'
Dr. Evil: 'Are they ill tempered?'
Number Two: 'Absolutely.'
Dr. Evil: 'Oh well, that's a start.'

Time For Some Decapitation Jokes!

Austin Powers: 'Not the time to lose one's head.'
Vanessa Kensington: 'No.'
Austin Powers: 'That's not the way to get ahead in life.'
Vanessa Kensington: 'No.'
Austin Powers: 'It's a shame he wasn't more headstrong.'
Vanessa Kensington: 'Hmm.'
Austin Powers: 'He'll never be the head of a major corporation.'
Vanessa Kensington: 'Okay, that'll do.'
Austin Powers: 'Okay.'

Sunday, October 4, 2009

Dr. Evil's Guide To Evil

'Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to my underground lair. I have gathered here before me the world's deadliest assassins, and yet each of you has failed to kill Austin Powers. That makes me angry. And when Dr. Evil gets angry, Mr. Bigglesworth gets upset. And when Mr. Bigglesworth gets upset... people DIE!'
'It's Dr. Evil, I didn't spend six years in Evil Medical School to be called "mister," thank you very much.'
'Finally, we come to my number two man. His name? Number Two.'
'There's nothing as pathetic as an aging hipster.'
'The details of my life are quite inconsequential... very well, where do I begin? My father was a relentlessly self-improving boulangerie owner from Belgium with low grade narcolepsy and a penchant for buggery. My mother was a fifteen year old French prostitute named Chloe with webbed feet. My father would womanize, he would drink. He would make outrageous claims like he invented the question mark. Sometimes he would accuse chestnuts of being lazy. The sort of general malaise that only the genius possess and the insane lament. My childhood was typical. Summers in Rangoon, luge lessons. In the spring we'd make meat helmets. When I was insolent I was placed in a burlap bag and beaten with reeds- pretty standard really. At the age of twelve I received my first scribe. At the age of fourteen a Zoroastrian named Vilma ritualistically shaved my testicles. There really is nothing like a shorn scrotum... it's breathtaking- I highly suggest you try it.'
'Do you like your quasi-futuristic clothes Mr. Powers? I designed them myself.'
'Why must I be surrounded by frickin' idiots?'
'I'm gonna get you Austin Powers! It's fricken freezing in here Mr. Bigglesworth.'
'I like to see girls of that... caliber. By "caliber," of course, I refer to both the size of their gun barrels and the high quality of their characters... Two meanings... caliber... it's a homonym... Forget it.'
'One more peep out of you and you're grounded Mister and I am not joking. Let's begin.'

Friday, October 2, 2009

The Wit And Wisdom (Or Lack Thereof) of Austin Powers

'Jimi Hendrix deceased, drugs. Janis Joplin deceased, alcohol. Mama Cass deceased, ham sandwich.'
'You know, it's amazing how the English countryside looks exactly like Southern California.'
'My name is Richie Cunningham, and this is my lovely wife, Oprah.'
'Wait Vanessa, I can explain. You see, I was looking for Dr. Evil when the Fembots came out and smoke started coming out of their jomblies. So I started to work my mojo, to counter their mojo; we got cross-mojulation, and their heads started exploding.'
'That really hurt! I'm gonna have a lump there, you idiot! Who throws a shoe? Honestly! You fight like a woman!'
'That's not your mother, it's a man, baby!'
'Well, no offense, but if that is a woman it looks like she was beaten with an ugly stick!'
'I think you're shagedelic baby! You're switched on! You're smashing! You're shagadelic, baby!'
'Yeah, and I can't believe Liberace was gay. I mean, women loved him! I didn't see that one coming.'
'Why take the escalator when I have a perfectly good canoe right here?'
'I've been frozen for 30 years. I've got to see if my bits and pieces are still working.'
'She's the village bicycle! Everybody's had a ride.'
'Name? Austin Danger Powers. Sex? Yes please!'
'Actually, my name is Austin Powers. Danger is my middle name.'
'Smashing Baby! When this ship comes a' rockin', don't come a' knockin', baby!'
'This is my happening and it freaks me out!'
'Do I make you horny? Randy? Do I make you horny, baby, yeah, do I?'
'Allow myself to introduce... myself.'
'I won't bite... hard.'
'Margaret Thatcher naked on a cold day! Margaret Thatcher naked on a cold day!'
'Its time to swing, baby.'
'Ooo, Behave!'

Thursday, October 1, 2009

Kids These Days

Dr. Evil: 'All right guard, begin the unnecessarily slow-moving dipping mechanism.'
Dr. Evil: 'Close the tank!'
Scott Evil: 'Wait, aren't you even going to watch them? They could get away!'
Dr. Evil: 'No no no, I'm going to leave them alone and not actually witness them dying, I'm just gonna assume it all went to plan. What?'
Scott Evil: 'I have a gun, in my room, you give me five seconds, I'll get it, I'll come back down here, BOOM, I'll blow their brains out!'
Dr. Evil: 'Scott, you just don't get it, do ya? You don't.'

What A Beautiful Animosity

Dr. Evil: 'Scott, I want you to meet daddy's nemesis, Austin Powers.'
Scott Evil: 'What? Are you feeding him? Why don't you just kill him?'
Dr. Evil: 'I have an even better idea. I'm going to place him in an easily escapable situation involving an overly elaborate and exotic death.'

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Let Me Tell You My Evil Plan

Dr. Evil: 'Gentlemen, I have a plan. It's called blackmail. The Royal Family of Britain are the wealthiest landowners in the world. Either the Royal Family pays us an exorbitant amount of money, or we make it seen that Prince Charles has had an affair outside of marriage and therefore would have to divorce!'
Number Two: 'Prince Charles did have an affair. He admitted it, and they are now divorced.'
Dr. Evil: 'Right, people you have to tell me these things, okay? I've been frozen for thirty years, okay? Throw me a frickin' bone here! I'm the boss! Need the info.'
Dr. Evil: 'Okay no problem. Here's my second plan. Back in the 60's, I had a weather changing machine that was, in essence, a sophisticated heat beam which we called a "laser." Using these "lasers," we punch a hole in the protective layer around the Earth, which we scientists call the "Ozone Layer." Slowly but surely, ultraviolet rays would pour in, increasing the risk of skin cancer. That is unless the world pays us a hefty ransom.'
Number Two: 'That also already has happened.'
Dr. Evil: 'Shit. Oh hell, let's just do what we always do. Hijack some nuclear weapons and hold the world hostage. Yeah? Good! Gentlemen, it has come to my attention that a breakaway Russian Republic called Kreplachistan will be transferring a nuclear warhead to the United Nations in a few days. Here's the plan. We get the warhead and we hold the world ransom for... ONE MILLION DOLLARS!'
Number Two: 'Don't you think we should ask for more than a million dollars? A million dollars isn't exactly a lot of money these days. Virtucon alone makes over 9 billion dollars a year!'
Dr. Evil: 'Really? That's a lot of money. Okay then, we hold the world ransom for...One... Hundred... BILLION DOLLARS!'

Protection for Sailors

Vanessa Kensington: 'Look, I know I'm being neurotic, but I can't shake off this suspicious feeling about Miss Fagina. I don't want to sound paranoid, but I've had some bad relationships in the past, and I have been known to be jealous. I'm sorry.'
Austin Powers: 'No, don't be sorry, baby. You're right to be suspicious. I shagged her.'
Vanessa Kensington: 'What?'
Austin Powers: 'I shagged her rotten, baby, yeah!'
Vanessa Kensington: 'Did you used protection?'
Austin Powers: 'Of course. I had my 9mm automatic.'
Vanessa Kensington: 'You know I meant, did you use a condom?'
Austin Powers: 'No, only sailors wear condoms baby.'
Vanessa Kensington: 'Not in the '90s Austin.'
Austin Powers: 'Well they should, those filthy buggers. They go from port to port.'

Sunday, September 27, 2009

Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery (1997)

Clerk: 'One Swedish-made penis enlarger.'
Austin Powers: 'That's not mine.'
Clerk: 'One credit card receipt for Swedish-made penis enlarger signed by Austin Powers.'
Austin Powers: 'I'm telling ya baby, that's not mine.'
Clerk: 'One warranty card for Swedish-made penis enlarger pump, filled out by Austin Powers.'
Austin Powers: 'I don't even know what this is! This sort of thing ain't my bag, baby.
Clerk: 'One book, "Swedish-made Penis Enlargers And Me: This Sort of Thing Is My Bag Baby", by Austin Powers.'

Saturday, September 19, 2009

It's All Semantics

Flounder: 'I can't believe I threw up in front of Dean Wormer.'
Boon: 'Face it, Kent. You threw up on Dean Wormer.'

Overheard Around The House

'The time has come for someone to put his foot down. And that foot is me.' ~ Dean Wormer
'Fat, drunk and stupid is no way to go through life, son.' ~ Dean Wormer
'May I have ten thousand marbles, please?' ~ Flounder
'Christ. Seven years of college down the drain. Might as well join the fucking Peace Corps.' ~ Bluto
'They confiscated everything, even the stuff we didn't steal!' ~ Hoover
'TOGA! TOGA!' ~ Bluto
'We have an old saying in Delta House: don't get mad, get even.' ~ D-Day
'You're all worthless and weak! Now drop and give me twenty!' ~ Neidermeyer
'Thank you, sir! May I have another?' ~ Chip
'Put Neidermeyer on it. He's a sneaky little shit just like you.' ~ Dean Wormer
'You can take your thumb out of my ass any time now, Carmine.' ~ Marion Wormer
'And most recently of all, a "Roman Toga Party" was held from which we have received more than two dozen reports of individual acts of perversion SO profound and disgusting that decorum prohibits listing them here.' ~ Neidermeyer
'Otis, my man!' ~ Boon
'Greg, honey, is it supposed to be this soft?' ~ Babs
'Grab a brew. Don't cost nothin'.' ~ Bluto
'Dad! Mom, Dad, this is Larry Kroger. The boy who molested me last month. We have to get married.' ~ Clorette De Pasto
'Ramming speed!' ~ D-Day
'I hate those guys.' ~ Dean Wormer
'Food fight!' ~ Dean Wormer
'Do you mind if we dance with your dates?' ~ Dude At Club

Apocolypse Faber

D-Day: 'War's over, man. Wormer dropped the big one.'
Bluto: 'Over? Did you say "over"? Nothing is over until we decide it is! Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor? Hell no!'
Otter: 'Germans?'
Boon: 'Forget it, he's rolling.'
Bluto: 'And it ain't over now. 'Cause when the goin' gets tough...the tough get goin'! Who's with me? Let's go!'
Bluto: 'What the fuck happened to the Delta I used to know? Where's the spirit? Where's the guts, huh? This could be the greatest night of our lives, but you're gonna let it be the worst. "Ooh, we're afraid to go with you Bluto, we might get in trouble." Well just kiss my ass from now on! Not me! I'm not gonna take this. Wormer, he's a dead man! Marmalard, dead! Niedermeyer...'
Otter: 'Dead! Bluto's right. Psychotic, but absolutely right. We gotta take these bastards. Now we could do it with conventional weapons that could take years and cost millions of lives. No, I think we have to go all out. I think that this situation absolutely requires a really futile and stupid gesture be done on somebody's part.'
Bluto: 'We're just the guys to do it.'
D-Day: 'Let's do it.'
Bluto: 'Let’s do it!'

Patriot Games

Otter: 'Point of parliamentary procedure!'
Hoover: 'Don't screw around, they're serious this time!'
Otter: 'Take it easy, I'm pre-law.'
Boon: 'I thought you were pre-med.'
Otter: 'What's the difference?'
Otter: 'Ladies and gentlemen, I'll be brief. The issue here is not whether we broke a few rules, or took a few liberties with our female party guests - we did.'
Otter: 'But you can't hold a whole fraternity responsible for the behavior of a few, sick twisted individuals. For if you do, then shouldn't we blame the whole fraternity system? And if the whole fraternity system is guilty, then isn't this an indictment of our educational institutions in general? I put it to you, Greg - isn't this an indictment of our entire American society? Well, you can do whatever you want to us, but we're not going to sit here and listen to you badmouth the United States of America. Gentlemen!'

Bending The Truth (And Some Sheet Metal)

D-Day: 'Hey, quit your blubberin'. When I get through with this baby you won't even recognize it.'
Otter: 'Flounder, you can't spend your whole life worrying about your mistakes! You fucked up - you trusted us! Hey, make the best of it! Maybe we can help.'
Flounder: 'That's easy for you to say! What am I going to tell Fred?'
Otter: 'I'll tell you what. We'll tell Fred you were doing a great job taking care of his car, but you parked it out back last night and in the morning, it was gone. We report it to the police, your brother's insurance company buys him a new car. D-Day takes care of the wreck.'
Flounder: 'Will that work?'
Otter: 'Hey, it's gotta work better than the truth.'
Bluto: 'My advice to you is to start drinking heavily.'
Otter: 'Better listen to him, Flounder, he's in pre-med.'
D-Day: 'There you go now, just leave everything to me.'

Prize-Winning Produce

Eric 'Otter' Stratton: 'Mine's bigger.'
Eric 'Otter' Stratton: 'My cucumber. It's bigger. I think vegetables can be very sensuous, don't you?'
Marion Wormer: 'No, vegetables are sensual. People are sensuous.'
Eric 'Otter' Stratton: 'Right. Sensual. That's what I meant. My name's Eric Stratton. People call me Otter.'
Marion Wormer: 'My name's Marion. People call me Mrs. Wormer.'
Eric 'Otter' Stratton: 'Oh, we have a Dean Wormer at Faber.'
Marion Wormer: 'How interesting. I have a husband named Dean Wormer at Faber. Still want to show me your cucumber?'

Animal House (1978)

Dean Wormer: 'Greg, what is the worst fraternity on this campus?'
Greg Marmalard: 'Well that would be hard to say, sir. They're each outstanding in their own way.'
Dean Wormer: 'Cut the horseshit, son. I've got their disciplinary files right here. Who dropped a whole truckload of fizzies into the swim meet? Who delivered the medical school cadavers to the alumni dinner? Every Halloween, the trees are filled with underwear. Every spring, the toilets explode.'
Greg Marmalard: 'You're talking about Delta, sir.'
Dean Wormer: 'Of course I'm talking about Delta, you Twerp! This year, it's gonna be different. This year we'll grab the bull by the balls...and kick those punks off campus!'
Greg Marmalard: 'What do you intend to do, sir? Delta's already on probation.'
Dean Wormer: 'They are?'
Greg Marmalard: 'Yes, sir.'
Dean Wormer: 'Oh....Then as of now, they're on double secret probation!'

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Dreaming Of Autopilot

Tony Giardino: 'What are you doing? Wake up!'
Pilot: 'Ooooh man! I was having an amazing dream!'
Tony Giardino: 'I don't care about your dream! Land the plane!'
Pilot: 'I was just born, and... I was eight-and-a-half months premature. The doctors were freakin' out.'
Tony Giardino: 'Oh please, shut up!'
Pilot: 'Did I already tell you this dream?'

Pilot Error

Tony Giardino: 'How the hell do you even know if you're going in the right direction?'
Pilot: 'Instruments, instruments!'
Tony Giardino: 'Oh yeah? Yeah? What's that?'
Pilot: 'That's the artificial horizon, which is better than the actual horizon.'

Terror At 10,000 Feet

Tony Giardino: 'Hey listen. How long is it gonna take us to get there?'
Pilot: 'It shouldn't take very long.'
Pilot: 'Actually I have no concept of time.'
Tony Giardino: 'Geez, is this dangerous?'
Pilot: 'No. Well, you know there's chance in everything.'
Tony Giardino: 'Look I don't wanna get too personal or anything but you've done this before, right?'
Pilot: 'Oh yeah, yeah. I do this all the time.'
Pilot: 'I've never done it at night.'

Monday, September 7, 2009

Axes To Grind

'Now this is something the other tour guides won't tell you. In this particular cell-block, Machine Gun Kelly had what we call in the prison system, a "bitch". And one night in a jealous rage Kelly took a make-shift knife or "shiv", and cut out the bitch's eyes. And as if this wasn't enough retribution for Kelly, the next day he and four other inmates took turns pissing into the bitch's ocular cavities. This way to the cafeteria!' ~ John Johnson
'Come, let us dance like children of the night!' ~ Charlie Mackenzie
'Alright, we have a piper who's down. It's alright, he's just pissed. We have a piper down, I repeat, a piper is down!' ~ Stuart Mackenzie
'Charlie, two words: therapy.' ~ Tony Giardino
'My name is John Johnson but everyone here calls me Vicki.' ~ John Johnson
'Alright, give your mother a kiss, or I'll kick your teeth in.' ~ Stuart Mackenzie
'I'm not kidding, that boy's head is like Sputnik; spherical but quite pointy at parts! Now that was offside, wasn't it? He'll be crying himself to sleep tonight, on his huge pillow.' ~ Stuart Mackenzie
'I'm smitten. I'm in deep smit.' ~ Charlie Mackenzie
'HEED! PANTS! NOW!' ~ Stuart Mackenzie
'Woman! Woah-man! Wooaahhhhh-man! We had love, not just sex. Is she Mrs. X? I had to run for my life. Jane, get me off of this crazy thing called love.' ~ Charlie Mackenzie
'Hey Paisane! You screw up one more time I'm going to kick your spaghetti bending butt back to Milan!' ~ Police Chief
'Lighten up, Charlie. You've got a pickle up your ass again.' ~ May Mackenzie

Thursday, September 3, 2009

Dirty Harry Dreams

Police Chief: 'Tony? I don't want to intrude, but you seem a little down.'
Tony Giardino: 'Well, Captain, it's about my job.'
Police Chief: 'Ah.'
Tony Giardino: 'I'm having doubts about being a cop. You know, it's not like how it is on TV. All I do all day is fill out forms and paperwork. I mean, this is what I do.'
Police Chief: 'It's a point well taken, Tony. But you must understand, although it's not exciting, it's a very important part of our work.'
Tony Giardino: 'Yeah, but in all my times as a cop, I've never gotten to, like, chase a guy across a crowded city square. I've never... I've never hung on to that part of a helicopter. You know that part? Underneath, the thing that it lands on? Do you, do you know that part?'
Police Chief: 'Yes, I know that part.'
Tony Giardino: 'I've never hung onto that. I've never even commandeered a vehicle.'
Police Chief: 'Now that sounds like a lot of fun.'
Tony Giardino: 'And that's the other thing. You're too nice.'
Police Chief: 'I'm too nice?'
Tony Giardino: 'Yeah, you're too nice. Why can't you be like the Captain on "Starsky and Hutch"? You know, when you come in, and you haul me into your office, and you bawl me out because you're sick and tired of defending my screwball antics to the Commissioner? Why cant you do that?'
Police Chief: 'Well, the truth of the matter is, I don't report to a Commissioner. I report to a committee. Some of whom are appointed, some elected, and the rest co-opted on a bi-annual basis. It's a quorum, so to speak.'
Tony Giardino: 'A quorum?'
Police Chief: 'Yeah.'
Tony Giardino: 'Captain, when I joined the police force, I thought I was going to be Serpico. But instead, I'm like... Fish from Barney Miller.'
Police Chief: 'Hey. Somebody needs a hug!'

Mr. Sensitive

Obituary Writer: 'There's another one here. Native San Franciscan. Plumber. Elliot, Ralph. Moved to Dallas, disappeared four months ago, body was found in a sewer.'
Newspaper Employee: 'Well, guy takes his job too seriously, life goes down the drain.'
Charlie Mackenzie: 'Did they mention anything about his wife?'
Newspaper Employee: 'All right, okay. Look, I know that we're talking about real people here. I'm sorry.'
Charlie Mackenzie: 'No no, I'm serious. Did they mention the wife?'
Newspaper Employee: 'Look, I'm sorry you know. You know, I didn't mean to make a joke about other people's lives.'
Charlie Mackenzie: 'No no, I'm really serious. Did they mention the wife?'
Newspaper Employee: 'You win, you win okay? I'm a bad person!'
Obituary Writer: 'Just take it easy!'
Newspaper Employee: 'No, he's sayin' I'm insensitive! He's sayin' I'm a shit!'
Obituary Writer: 'He's not sayin' you're a shit!'
Charlie Mackenzie: 'Did they mention the wife? Did they mention the wife?'
Newspaper Employee:' No! No! They didn't mention the wife! Ya happy?'
Newspaper Employee: 'Yeah! Oh yes, yeah. I'm insensitive! I'm a very insensitive man! Stop you're job, look at the insensitive man! That's what they're paying you for!'
Obituary Writer: 'He was my ride home.'
Charlie Mackenzie: 'Understood.'

Is That Charles Grodin?

Tony Giardino: 'Excuse me sir, I'm with the San Francisco police department, this is official police business. I would like to commandeer this vehicle!'
Driver: 'No.'
Tony Giardino: 'What do you mean, "no"?'
Driver: 'I happen to know for a fact that you don't have the right to commandeer my vehicle.'
Tony Giardino: 'Please, can I commandeer this vehicle?'
Driver: 'No.'
Tony Giardino: 'You're just - you're just not going to bend on this commandeering thing are you?'
Driver: 'No.'

The Trilateral (Plus Two) Commission

Stuart Mackenzie: 'Well, it's a well known fact, Sonny Jim, that there's a secret society of the five wealthiest people in the world, known as The Pentavirate, who run everything in the world, including the newspapers, and meet tri-annually at a secret country mansion in Colorado, known as The Meadows.'
Tony Giardino: 'So who's in this Pentavirate?'
Stuart Mackenzie: 'The Queen, The Vatican, The Gettys, The Rothschilds, and Colonel Sanders before he went tits up. Oh, I hated the Colonel with is wee beady eyes, and that smug look on his face. "Oh, you're gonna buy my chicken! Ohhhhh!"'
Charlie Mackenzie: 'Dad, how can you hate "The Colonel"?'
Stuart Mackenzie: 'Because he puts an addictive chemical in his chicken that makes ya crave it fortnightly, smartass!'

The Main Stream Media

Charlie Mackenzie: 'Hey Mom, I find it interesting that you refer to the Weekly World News as, "The paper." The paper contains facts.'
May Mackenzie: 'This paper contains facts. And this paper has the eighth highest circulation in the whole wide world. Right? Plenty of facts. "Pregnant man gives birth." That's a fact.'

Obligatory Starsky And Hutch Reference

Charlie Mackenzie: 'So Tony, what's the deal with your clothes?'
Tony Giardino: 'What do ya mean?'
Charlie Mackenzie: 'You look like Huggy Bear from Starsky and Hutch.'
Tony Giardino: 'What do ya mean? I look hip!'
Charlie Mackenzie: 'No no no no no no, you look like an undercover cop trying to look hip.'
Tony Giardino: 'I am an undercover cop trying to look hip.'

Wednesday, September 2, 2009


Stuart Mackenzie: 'Look at the size of that boy's heed.'
Tony Giardino: 'Shhh!'
Stuart Mackenzie: 'I'm not kidding, it's like an orange on a toothpick.'
Tony Giardino: 'Shhh, you're going to give the boy a complex.'
Stuart Mackenzie: 'Well, that's a huge noggin. That's a virtual planetoid.'
Tony Giardino: 'Shh!'
Stuart Mackenzie: 'Has it's own weather system.'
Tony Giardino: 'Sh, sh, shh.'
Stuart Mackenzie: 'HEED! MOVE!'

So I Married An Axe Murderer (1993)

Charlie Mackenzie: 'Excuse me, miss? There seems to be a mistake. I believe I ordered the large cappuccino. Hello! Look at the size of this thing.'
Tony Giardino: 'It's practically a bowl.'
Charlie Mackenzie: 'It's like Campbell's Cup-O'-ccino!'

Monday, August 31, 2009

Regrets? I've Had A Few

Kingman: 'I spent eighty-six million dollars of the studio's money on twenty seconds of titles. That's all he sent me, the TITLES! And a note: "Dave, we could also do these in blue." We HAD to make a Hal Weidmann picture!'
Davis: 'The man's won three Oscars. He's a genius.'
Kingman: 'No! There's only been one genius in this business, and that was Señor Wences! A little lipstick, some hair, and his hand, and the guy had a career for eighty-five years! "S'aright!".'

The Truth?

Gwen: 'I'm on pain medication that makes me say things I'd never say otherwise. To set the record perfectly straight, Eddie and I never had any plans to reconcile.'
Hector: 'And?'
Gwen: 'Oh, and Hector is very well-endowed.'
Hector: 'Almost too well-endowed. I've had complaints. Literally.'

The Defense Rests

Leaf Weidmann: 'Can I defend my father's work?'
Gwen: 'No, you cannot. Who's her father?'
Lee: 'Hal.'
Gwen: 'No, you cannot!'
Leaf Weidmann: 'Well, at least let me defend Hector. I've only slept with him once, but I know his penis is bigger than a roll of quarters.'
Gwen: 'You slept with her?'
Hector: 'No! No, she is lying! Except for the part about my penis - that's true.'

Random Sweetness

'Look, Byron, I want to be honest with you. Before I came down from the room, I took a half a pound of Vicodin, so I'm going to be really comfortable until about late March.' ~ Eddie
'Life is a cookie.' ~ Wellness Guide
'People have no idea what it's like being me. Did we brush my teeth?' ~ Gwen
'You're the devil.' ~ Eddie
'Ooh, pussy boy gonna splat!' ~ Hector
'Eddie, the next time you try to kill yourself, just take a hairdryer into the bathtub.' ~ Lee
'Just smile and shut up.' ~ Gwen
'Love is a bridge built between two people. We want what exists between them to be real. My name is Hal Weidmann. The film you are about to see is Time Over Time, or is it? The details are unimportant. Simply put, the script was shit. I tossed it. I instead decided to let the camera capture real life. I filmed my actors without their knowledge. I let the camera run after takes. I placed hidden cameras around the set. The end result is a story far more involving than anything manufactured by actors and writers. This is real life. The juice. The stink. The glory' ~ Hal Weidmann
'How can you be in love with someone and not even like them at the same time?' ~ Eddie
'I really want to play a character like the Terminator, you know, because I think the Hispanic people are crying out to see a deadly, destructive, killing machine that they can embrace as their own, you know, that they can relate to...' ~ Hector
'You probably read in People Magazine that I'm on Zoloft.' ~ Eddie
'Eddie's really good... and he's my pillar of strength, you know. It's like Sodom and Gomorrah' ~ Gwen
'I tried to walk away, but the guy just kept pushing. So I hit him in the tray with my face.' ~ Eddie
'Felix, this is Oscar. The monkey is in daycare. Repeat, the monkey is in daycare.' ~ Danny
'He's gonna be a pussy pancake.' ~ Hector
'Survival rule number three, kid: You're not here to love anyone. You're here to promote a movie. That's it. Period. Say you're here and you get word that your mother died. You know, like, hit by a bus or something. You go downstairs, you shed a tear, and you say, "It's a shame. She would have loved this movie.' ~ Lee
'Can I just say something please? Excuse me. What was said about my penis on the screen... that is completely false. Completely! I am extremely well hung. I will submit to a physical inspection right now.' ~ Hector
'They liked the movie. The press actually liked this crazy movie. They're calling it the "Blair Bitch Project".' ~ Lee

Who's On First?

Lee: 'So, do you want to arrive first or second?'
Eddie: 'Second.'
Lee: 'Be right back.'
Lee: 'He wants to go second.'
Kiki: 'Let him go second.'
Gwen: He can go second. No, wait a minute. He should go first. I don't want to look like his opening act. I want to go second.'
Kiki: 'She wants to go second.'
Lee: 'Second it is.'
Lee: 'She wants to go second.'
Eddie: 'Fine, let her come second. I don't care. Let her come behind me. That way she'll be able to see the knife she stuck in my back.'
Lee: 'Thank you.'
Kiki: 'Second? We're all set.'
Gwen: 'Who cares?'
Kiki: 'She doesn't care.'
Gwen: 'Yes, I do! I'm going first!'
Eddie: 'I don't care! I don't care! Why is this an issue?'
Lee: 'I'm just trying to facilitate the...'
Eddie: 'I don't care! Can we just get to the hotel?'
Lee: 'You're going second.'
Eddie: 'I don't care! I don't care! I don't care! I don't care!'
Lee: 'You're going second. Eddie? You're going second.'
Eddie: 'I don't care.'
Lee: 'Okay. Thank you.'

How A Typical Larry King Appearance Ends

Gwen: 'I hate Larry King! Why did I do his stupid show?'
Kiki: 'Just breathe.'
Gwen: 'I don't want to breathe! "Your last two movies crashed and burned"... I wanted to choke him to death with those stupid suspenders. Everyone hates me.'
Kiki: 'That's not true. The lighting was great. Everyone said you looked great.'
Gwen: 'Who?'
Larry King Producer: 'You looked great.'
Kiki: 'See?'
Gwen: 'Thanks!'
Gwen: 'As if she really knows.'

America's Sweethearts (2001)

Kingman: 'Remember the crazy guy in the woods?'
Davis: 'Ted Kaczynski.'
Kingman: 'Who, the guy at Fox?'
Lee: 'The Unabomber.'
Kingman: 'Yeah, the Unabomber. Okay? Remember how he lived in that little cabin?'
Lee: 'So?'
Kingman: 'Hal Weidmann bought that cabin from the government and had it moved onto his property. That is where he edits his movies. That is his little, twisted, sicko office.'

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

A Very Minor League

Willie Mays Hayes: 'What the hell league you been playing in?'
Rick Vaughn: 'California Penal.'
Willie Mays Hayes: 'Never heard of it. How'd you end up playing there?'
Rick Vaughn: 'Stole a car.'

Wild Indians And Others

'How's your wife and my kids?' ~ Heywood
'Yo, bartender, Jobu needs a refill.' ~ Eddie Harris
'Don't you guys go anywhere. I plan to put on a hitting display.' ~ Willie Mays Hayes
'Come on Dorn, get in front of the damn ball! Don't give me this "olé" bullshit!' ~ Lou Brown
'Willie Mays Hayes. I hit like Mays, and I run like Hayes.' ~ Willie Mays Hayes
'You may run like Hayes. but you hit like shit.' ~ Lou Brown
'Hats for bats, keep bats warm.' ~ Pedro Cerrano
'Cerrano's looking for some extra power for tonight. He's looking to sacrifice a live chicken. Man, we can't have people puking in the locker room before the game!' ~ Willie Mays Hayes
'We should've got the live chicken.' ~ Willie Mays Hayes
'Up your butt, Jobu.' ~ Eddie Harris
'All right people, we got 10 minutes 'till game time, let's all gather 'round. I'm not much for giving inspirational addresses, but I'd just like to point out that every newspaper in the country has picked us to finish last. The local press seems to think that we'd save everyone the time and trouble if we just went out and shot ourselves. Me, I'm for wasting sportswriters' time. So I figured we ought to hang around for a while and see if we can give 'em all a nice big shitburger to eat!' ~ Lou Brown
'Is very bad to steal Jobu's rum. Is very bad.' ~ Pedro Cerrano

The Wisdom Of Harry Doyle

'In case you haven't noticed, and judging by the attendance you haven't, the Indians have managed to win a few here and there, and are threatening to climb out of the cellar.' ~ Harry Doyle
'Just a reminder, fans, comin' up is our "Die-hard Night" here at the stadium. Free admission to anyone who was actually alive the last time the Indians won a pennant.' ~ Harry Doyle
'Heywood leads the league in most offensive categories, including nose hair. When this guy sneezes, he looks like a party favor.' ~ Harry Doyle
'This guy threw at his own son in a father son game.' ~ Harry Doyle
'So, here is Rick Vaughn, the one they call the "Wild Thing". So, he sets and deals. Just a bit outside, he tried for the corner and missed. Ball 4. Ball 8. Low, and he walks the bases loaded on 12 straight pitches. How can these guys lay off pitches that close? ' ~ Harry Doyle
'Haywood swings and crushes this one toward South America. Tomlinson is gonna need a Visa to catch this one, it is out of here, and there is nothing left but a vapor trail.' ~ Harry Doyle
'So, an eerie start for the Erie warriors as they drop a heartbreaker to the Yankees, nine to nothing. The post game show is brought to you by... Christ I can't find it, the hell with it.' ~ Harry Doyle
'He's not the best colorman in the league for nothing, folks!' ~ Harry Doyle

Members Since 1989

Team: 'Hello. Do you know us?'
Team: 'We're a Major League Baseball team.'
Jake Taylor: 'But since we haven't won a pennant in over 30 years, nobody recognizes us - not even in our own home town.'
Eddie Harris: 'That's why we carry the American Express card.'
Rick Vaughn: No matter how far out of first we are, it's cool. You know, it keeps us from getting shut out at our favorite hotels and restaurant-type places.'
Pedro Cerrano: 'So if you're looking for some Big-League clout, apply for that little green home-run hitter.'
Roger Dorn: 'Look what it's done for us. People still don't recognize us but...'
Lou Brown: 'We're contenders now.'
Willie Mays Hayes: 'The American Express card: Don't steal home without it.'

Team Building? Not So Much...

Rachel Phelps: 'Any ideas?'
Charlie Donovan: 'On how we can get worse?'
Rachel Phelps: 'Mmmmm...'
Charlie Donovan: 'How about a series of fines for good play? Maybe a $30,000 bonus to the guy voted Least Valuable Player.'
Rachel Phelps: 'Maybe the problem is - we're coddling these guys too much. Yeah!'

Major League (1989)

Pedro Cerrano: 'Bats, they are sick. I cannot hit curveball. Straightball I hit it very much. Curveball, bats are afraid. I ask Jobu to come, take fear from bats. I offer him cigar, rum. He will come.'
Eddie Harris: 'You know you might think about taking Jesus Christ as your savior instead of fooling around with all this stuff.'
Roger Dorn: 'Shit, Harris.'
Pedro Cerrano: 'Jesus, I like him very much, but he no help with curveball.'
Eddie Harris: 'You trying to say Jesus Christ can't hit a curveball?'

Thursday, August 6, 2009

A BIG Building

Dr. Rumack: 'You'd better tell the Captain we've got to land as soon as we can. This woman has to be gotten to a hospital.'
Elaine Dickinson: 'A hospital? What is it?'
Dr. Rumack: 'It's a big building with patients, but that's not important right now.'

Temple, Hemphill, Jones, et al

Dr. Rumack: 'Can you fly this plane, and land it?'
Ted Striker: 'Surely you can't be serious.'
Dr. Rumack: 'I am serious - and don't call me Shirley.'

The Letter

Elaine Dickinson: 'You got a letter from headquarters this morning.'
Ted Striker: 'Headquarters? What is it?'
Elaine Dickinson: 'It's a big building where generals meet, but that's not important.'

New Menu Choices

Dr. Rumack: 'What was it we had for dinner tonight?'
Elaine Dickinson: 'Well, we had a choice of steak or fish.'
Dr. Rumack: 'Yes, yes, I remember, I had lasagna.'

Kareem Clone (Iced?)

Joey: 'Wait a minute. I know you. You're Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. You play basketball for the Los Angeles Lakers.'
Roger Murdock: 'I'm sorry son, but you must have me confused with someone else. My name is Roger Murdock. I'm the co-pilot.'
Joey: 'You are Kareem. I've seen you play. My dad's got season tickets.'
Roger Murdock: 'I think you should go back to your seat now Joey. Right Clarence?'
Captain Oveur: 'Nahhhhhh, he's not bothering anyone, let him stay here.'
Roger Murdock: 'But just remember, my name is ROGER MURDOCK. I'm an airline pilot.'
Joey: 'I think you're the greatest, but my dad says you don't work hard enough on defense. And he says that lots of times, you don't even run down court. And that you don't really try - except during the playoffs.'
Roger Murdock: 'The hell I don't. Listen kid, I've been hearing that crap ever since I was at UCLA. I'm out there busting my buns every night. Tell your old man to drag Walton and Lanier up and down the court for 48 minutes.'

My First Flight

Captain Oveur: 'You ever been in a cockpit before?'
Joey: 'No sir, I've never been up in a plane before.'
Captain Oveur: 'You ever seen a grown man naked?'

Idle Tower Chatter

'Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit smoking.' ~ Steve McCroskey
'I just want to tell you both good luck. We're all counting on you.' ~ Dr. Rumack
'There's no reason to become alarmed, and we hope you'll enjoy the rest of your flight. By the way, is there anyone on board who knows how to fly a plane?' ~ Elaine Dickinson
'Striker, listen, and you listen close: flying a plane is no different than riding a bicycle, it's just a lot harder to put baseball cards in the spokes.' ~ Rex Kramer
'Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit drinking.' ~ Steve McCroskey
'I know but this guy has no flying experience at all. He's a menace to himself and everything else in the air... yes, birds too.' ~ Controller
'Joey, do you like movies about gladiators?' ~ Captain Oveur
'The tower, the tower! Rapunzel, Rapunzel!' ~ Johnny
'It was a rough place - the seediest dive on the wharf. Populated with every reject and cutthroat from Bombay to Calcutta. It's worse than Detroit.' ~ Ted Striker
'Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit sniffing glue.' ~ Steve McCroskey
'Joey, have you ever been in a Turkish prison?' ~ Captain Oveur
'Do you know what it's like to fall in the mud and get kicked, in the head, with an iron boot? Of course you don't, no one does. It never happens. Sorry, Ted, that's a dumb question - skip that.' ~ Rex Kramer
'This is WZAZ in Chicago, where disco lives forever.' ~ DJ
'I haven't felt this awful since we saw that Ronald Reagan film.' ~ Passenger
'Where did you get that dress, it's awful, and those shoes and that coat, jeeeeez!' ~ Johnny
'Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit amphetamines' ~ Steve McCroskey
'Jim never has a second cup of coffee at home.' ~ Passenger
'Let's see - altitude: 21,000 feet. Speed: 520 knots. Level flight. Course: zero-niner-zero. Trim and mixture: wash, soak, rinse, spin.' ~ Ted Striker
'No - that's just what they'll be expecting us to do!' ~ Rex Kramer
'Auntie Em, Uncle Henry, Toto! It's a twister! It's a twister!' ~ Johnny
'Jim never vomits at home.' ~ Passenger
'It's coming right at us!' ~ Steve McCroskey

Can You Keep A Secret?

Dr. Rumack: 'Captain, how soon can you land?'
Captain Oveur: 'I can't tell.'
Dr. Rumack: 'You can tell me. I'm a doctor.'
Captain Oveur: 'No. I mean I'm just not sure.'
Dr. Rumack:'Well, can't you take a guess?'
Captain Oveur: 'Well, not for another two hours.'
Dr. Rumack: 'You can't take a guess for another two hours?'

Examine Your Zipper

Dr. Rumack: 'Well, I don't have anything to say, you've done the best you could. You really have, the best you could. You can't expect to win em all. But, I want to tell you something I've kept to myself through these years. I was in the war myself, medical corps. I was on late duty one night when they brought in a badly wounded pilot from one of the raids. He could barely talk. He looked at me and said, "The odds were against us up there, but we went in anyway, I'm glad, the Captain made the right decision." The pilot's name was George Zip.'
Ted Striker: 'George Zip said that?'
Dr. Rumack: 'The last thing he said to me, "Doc," he said, "some time when the crew is up against it, and the breaks are beating the boys, tell them to get out there and give it all they got and win just one for the Zipper. I don't know where I'll be then, Doc," he said, "but I won't smell too good, that's for sure."'
Ted Striker: 'Excuse me doc, I got a plane to land.'

Airplane! (1980)

Tower: 'Flight 2-0-9'er, you are cleared for take-off.'
Captain Oveur: 'Roger!'
Roger Murdock: 'Huh?'
Tower: 'L.A. departure frequency, 123 point 9'er.'
Captain Oveur: 'Roger!'
Roger Murdock: 'Huh?'
Victor: 'Request vector, over.'
Captain Oveur: 'What?'
Tower: 'Flight 2-0-9'er cleared for vector 324.'
Roger Murdock: 'We have clearance, Clarence.'
Captain Oveur: 'Roger, Roger. What's our vector, Victor?'
Tower: 'Tower's radio clearance, over!'
Captain Oveur: 'That's Clarence Oveur. Over.'
Tower: 'Over.'
Captain Oveur: 'Roger.'
Roger Murdock: 'Huh?'
Tower: 'Roger, over!'
Roger Murdock: 'What?'
Captain Oveur: 'Huh?'
Victor: 'Who?'

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

An Experienced Woman

Rosie:' Are you nervous?'
Robbie: 'I'm actually not that nervous. I've been around lots of weddings before, so I figure it won't be very different.'
Rosie: 'I didn't mean about the wedding. I meant about the wedding night. Will this be your first time with intercourse?'
Robbie: 'Uh.'
Rosie: 'Well, don't be ashamed. You know, when I got married, I wasn't a virgin. I'd already had intercourse with eight men.'
Robbie: 'Now, that's something I didn't wanna know about.'
Rosie: 'That was a lot back then; it'd be like two hundred today!'

Getting The Boot

Robbie: 'Are you drinking, too?'
Julia: 'No, it's Coca-Cola.'
Robbie: 'Are you sure? There's no rum in that Coca-Cola?'
Julia: 'I'm not a big drinker. And if it was, I'd probably be puking more than that kid!'
Robbie: 'Oh, I don't think anybody could puke more than than kid. I think I saw a boot come out of him.'

Man With A Plan

Robbie: 'No, I'm not a big drinker.'
Glenn: 'Well I am, how about an Alabama Slammer?'
Glenn's buddy: 'Sounds like a plan.'
Robbie: 'Yeah, go ahead, have a few drinks and, you know, drive home.'

Build Me Up Buttercup

Glen's buddy: 'Robbie Hart? Oh, man, I heard what happened to you at your wedding, that was so cold! You must've felt like shit!'
Robbie: 'No, it felt real good, thanks for bringing that up, man. Hey, my parents died when I was ten, would you like to talk about that?'
Glenn's buddy: 'No, why would I wanna talk about that?'
Robbie: 'I don't know.'

No Sense Of Humor

Robbie: 'I don't even know your last name.'
Glenn: 'It's Guglia.'
Robbie: 'Guglia? Oh, so Julia's last name's gonna be Guglia. Julia Guglia! That's funny!'
Glenn: 'Why is that funny?'
Robbie: 'I - don't know.'

Always A Critic

Father of the Bride: 'You are the worst wedding singer in the world, buddy!'
Robbie: 'Sir, one more outburst from you and I will strangle you with my microphone wire.'

Practice, Practice, Practice

Rosie: 'I'll be a beautiful young woman, and you be Robbie. Now, ask me out.'
Robbie: 'You know, I'm really not comfortable...'
Rosie: 'Hello, sir. Was there something you wanted to ask me?'
Robbie: 'Fine. Would you like to go out on a date with me?'
Rosie: 'No. Your penis is too small.'

The Reception Buzz

'Hey, psycho - we're not gonna discuss this, OK, it's over. Please get out of my Van Halen t-shirt before you jinx the band and they break up.' ~ Robbie
'All right, remember - alcohol equals puke equals smelly mess equals nobody likes you!' ~ Robbie
'Listen, I know you're shy and I know you've been hurt, so I'm going to make this really easy on you. If you come upstairs, you're gonna get laid.' ~ Holly
'Hey, somebody get some pants on this kid!' ~ Robbie
'This is a great idea. I'm glad you came around. You want to do some gambling and have some fun right away, or you just want to get married?' ~ Glenn
'If you find somebody you can love, you can't let that get away.' ~ Sammy
'You need a prostitute.' ~ Old Man
'See? Billy Idol gets it!' ~ Robbie
'They rip your heart out of your ass!' ~ Old Man
'He wants to make money. You know - live in a nice house with wide windows and locks. You can't expect him to live forever with his sister and the nipple-twisting that goes on there.' ~ Rosie
'We're living in a material world and I am a material girl - or boy.' ~ Robbie
'Cindy and Scott are newlyweds! Whoopee-dee-doo!' ~ Robbie
'No one will ever solve that.' ~ Holly

What Are The Odds?

Glenn: 'Who are you going out with?'
Holly: 'Robbie.'
Glenn: 'Oh good, that guy needs to get laid.'
Holly: 'Excuse me! Just because he's going out with me doesn't mean he's going to get laid.'
Holly: 'All right, he probably will.'

Sex Appeal

Holly: 'God, I love David Bowie. He is so sexy.'
Glenn: 'You think the "time to make the donuts" guy is sexy.'
Robbie: 'Heh heh, that guy is funny.'

Brainstorming Song Ideas

Glenn: 'You know, you should write a song about this. You could call it "I got punched in the nose for sticking my face in other people's business".'
Old man: 'Sounds like a country song!'

The Wedding Singer (1998)

Robbie: 'You're late.'
Linda: 'I'm sorry - I just couldn't do it.'
Robbie: 'Well, if you need more time, I guess I could wait.'
Linda: 'No - I don't need more time, Robbie. I don't ever want to marry you.'
Robbie: 'Gee, you know that information - really would've been more useful to me YESTERDAY.'
Linda: 'I've been talking with my friends the last few days...'
Robbie: 'Oh, boy, here it comes.'
Linda: '...and I think I've figured out what's been bothering me. I'm not in love with Robbie, now. I'm in love with Robbie, six years ago. Robbie, the lead singer of Final Warning; I used to come watch you when you were in your silk shirt and Spandex pants, and you would sing into the microphone like you were David Lee Roth.'
Robbie: 'I've still got the Spandex; I'll put 'em on right now.'
Linda: 'The point is, I woke up this morning and realized I'm about to get married to a wedding singer? I am never gonna leave Richfield!'
Robbie: 'Why do you need to leave Richfield? We grew up here. All our friends are here; it's the perfect place to raise a family.'
Linda: 'Oh, yeah - sure! Living in your sister's basement with five kids while you're off every weekends doing wedding gigs at a whoppin' sixty bucks a pop?'
Robbie: 'Once again, things that could've been brought to my attention YESTERDAY!'

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

The Breakfast Buffet

Shooter McGavin: 'You're in big trouble though, pal. I eat pieces of shit like you for breakfast!'
Happy Gilmore: 'You eat pieces of shit for breakfast?'
Shooter McGavin: 'No!'

Drawing a Crowd

Happy Gilmore: 'He shoots, he scores!'
Happy Gilmore: 'Oh, man. That was so much easier than putting. I should just try to get the ball in one shot every time.'
Chubbs: 'Good plan.'
Virginia: 'Did you see that?'
Shooter McGavin: 'Yes. Nice shot.'
Virginia: 'He just got a Hole-in-One on a par four!'
Shooter McGavin: 'I know. I just said I saw it.'
Virginia: 'Oh, I hope he wins. He's a publicist's dream. I mean, a guy who could drive the ball that far - oh, he could really draw a crowd.'
Shooter McGavin: 'You know what else could draw a crowd? A golfer with an arm growing out of his ass.'

Course Etiquette

Happy Gilmore: 'Where are you going with those clubs, punk?'
Caddy: 'Mr. Gilmore, I'm your caddy!'
Happy Gilmore: 'Oh, I'm sorry about that. Let me carry these, alright, they were my grandfather's, they're pretty old.'
Caddy: 'Well, what should I do then?'
Happy Gilmore: 'I don't know. Why don't you just watch me, and make sure I don't do anything stupid. Okay?'
Starter: 'Mr. Gilmore, Mr. Lafferty will be teeing off now.'
Happy Gilmore: 'Alright, good luck, buddy.'
Caddy: 'Get out the way.'
Happy Gilmore: 'Where were you on that one, dipshit?'

Harness the Energy!

Gary Potter: 'Harness in the good energy, block out the bad. Harness. Energy. Block. Bad. It's like a carousel. You put the quarter in, you get on the horse, it goes up and down, and around. Circular, circle. Feel it. Go with the flow.'
Happy Gilmore: 'Psycho.'

A Quick Consult

Doctor: 'Well, You're a little banged up but no serious injury's. Just keep off your feet for a few days.'
Happy Gilmore: 'To Hell with that, I gotta finish up.'
Doctor: 'Fine! Do whatever you like. What would I know, I'm just a Doctor.'

Witty Course Banter

'Did that go in? I wasn't watching, did it go in? I didn't see it, could you tell me if it went in? ~ Happy Gilmore
'Damn you people. Go back to your shanties.' ~ Shooter McGavin
'During high school, I played junior hockey and still hold two league records: most time spent in the penalty box; and I was the only guy to ever take off his skate and try to stab somebody.' ~ Happy Gilmore
'Do you know what the pathetic thing is? You have been doing this your whole life.' ~ Happy Gilmore
'Stop fraternizing with the help Gilmore. Just hit your ball - if you can find it.' ~ Shooter McGavin
'That's my puck, baby, don't you ever touch my puck.' ~ Happy Gilmore
'Damn you people. This is golf. Not a rock concert.' ~ Shooter McGavin
'Happy learned how to putt! Uh-oh!' ~ Happy Gilmore
'You little son of a bitch ball! Why you don't you just go home? That's your home! Are you too good for your home? Answer me! Suck my white ass, ball!' ~ Happy Gilmore
'Hey, if I saw myself in clothes like that, I'd have to kick my own ass.' ~ Happy Gilmore
'Thank you, Doug. You know, I saw Doug playing yesterday. And I've got to tell you, this guy spends more time in the sand than David Hasselhoff!' ~ Shooter McGavin
'I'm stupid. You're smart. I was wrong. You were right. You're the best. I'm the worst. You're very good-looking. I'm not attractive.' ~ Happy Gilmore
'Spoken like a true asshole.' ~ Chubbs
'Hey, Happy Gilmore! Come on down!' ~ Shooter McGavin
'Shooter! Great to hear from you! You wanna go to the Sizzler and get some grub?' ~ Donald
'You're gonna need a blanket and suntan lotion, cause you're never gonna get off that beach, just like the way you never got into the NHL - you jackass!' ~ Donald
'You will not make this putt - you jackass! ~ Donald
'Somebody's closer!' ~ Happy Gilmore
'You know that alligator that got your hand? Well I got his head!' ~ Happy Gilmore
'Hey Shooter, haven't you forgot your nine iron?' ~ Mr. Larson
'It ain't over, McGavin. The way I see it - we've only just begun.' ~ Happy Gilmore
'What are you doing Happy? Riding a bull? You're acting like a damn fool!' ~ Chubbs
'Step right up, folks. See if you can out drive the amazing Golf Ball, uh, Whacker Guy!' ~ Happy Gilmore

Putting the Pieces Back Together

Happy Gilmore: 'I got into this tournament for one reason: money. And now I have a new reason: kicking your ass!'
Shooter McGavin: 'Well, I'd like to see you try.'
Happy Gilmore: 'Let's do it, then!'
Shooter McGavin: 'I meant on a golf course!'
Virginia: 'Hey! What's going on here, huh?'
Happy Gilmore: 'Oh, uh, I was just looking for the other half of this bottle and there's some of it and there's some of it right there, too.'
Virginia: 'Why don't you just put it down?'
Happy Gilmore: 'Yeah, I know.'

Golf Defined

Chubbs: 'Golf's no different from Hockey. It requires talent and self discipline.'
Happy Gilmore: 'Golf requires goofy pants and a fat ass. You should talk to my neighbor, the accountant. Probably a great golfer - huge ass.'
Chubbs: 'Hey, I'll bet your neighbor the accountant can't drive the ball four hundred yards. I'll bet your neighbor the accountant doesn't have a shot to get on the Pro Tour!'
Happy Gilmore: ;And how would I do that?'
Chubbs: 'You win the Open tomorrow, and you're automatically on the Pro Tour. Then who knows? Maybe you'll win the Tour Championship one day. Get that gold jacket that I never got.'
Happy Gilmore: 'Gold jacket, green jacket, who gives a shit?'

Happy Gilmore (1996)

Happy Gilmore: 'That guy's driving me crazy!'
Bob Barker: 'You know what's driving *me* crazy? You, not getting the ball in the hole.'
Happy Gilmore: 'Don't push me, Bob! Now's not the time.'
Bob Barker: 'This guy sucks!'
Announcer: 'We haven't seen Happy Gilmore play this badly since his first day on tour. He and Bob Barker are now dead-last.'
Bob Barker: 'I can't believe you're a professional golfer! I think you should be working at the snack bar.'
Happy Gilmore: 'You better relax, Bob.'
Bob Barker: 'There is no way that you could have been as bad at hockey as you are at golf!'
Happy Gilmore: 'Alright, let's go!'
Happy Gilmore: 'You like that, old man? You want a piece of me?'
Bob Barker: 'I don't want a piece of you, I want the whole thing!'
Happy Gilmore: 'Now you're gonna get it, Bobby!'
Happy Gilmore: 'The price is wrong, bitch!'
Bob Barker: 'I think you've had enough.'
Bob Barker: 'No?'
Bob Barker: 'Now you've had enough, bitch.'

Monday, August 3, 2009

Greetings and Salutations

JD: 'Greetings and salutations, you a Heather?'
Veronica: 'No, I'm a Veronica. Sawyer.'

A Plea for UNICEF

Heather McNamara: 'God, aren't they fed yet? Do they even have Thanksgiving in Africa?'
Veronica: 'Oh, sure. Pilgrims, Indians - Tator Tots. It's a real party continent.'

Needed : An Autoclave

Veronica: 'That knife is filthy.'
JD: 'What do you think I'm going to do with it, take out her tonsils?'
Veronica: 'Excuse me, I think I know Heather a little bit better than you do. If she were going to slit her wrists, the knife would be spotless.'

Loving Acceptance

Kurt's Dad: 'My son's a homosexual, and I love him. I love my dead gay son.'
JD: 'Wonder how he'd react if his son had a limp wrist with a pulse.'

A Really Bad Assembly

Heather Duke: 'Veronica, you look like hell.'
Veronica: 'Yeah? I just got back.'

Wait 30 Minutes Before Swimming

Veronica: 'Watch it Heather, you might be digesting food there.'
Heather McNamara: 'Yeah, where's your urge to purge?'
Heather Duke: 'F*ck it.'

Movie Night

Veronica: 'Hey, Martha. My date for the prom kinda flaked out on me. I was wondering, If you weren't doing anything that night, maybe we could rent some new releases and pop some popcorn.'
Martha Dumptruck: 'I'd like that.'
Veronica: 'Yeah. Me too.'

A Note On Death

Veronica: 'If you think I'm doing another suicide note you're wrong!'
JD: 'You don't get it do you? Society nods its head at any horror the American teenager can think to bring upon itself. Nobody is going to care about exact handwriting.'

Sunday, August 2, 2009

Overheard In The Hallways

'It's one thing to want someone out of your life, but it's another thing to serve them a wake-up cup full of liquid draino.' ~ Veronica
'You blow it tonight, girl, and it's keggers with kids all next year.' ~ Heather Chandler
'I like it. It's got that what-a-cruel-world-let's-toss-ourselves-in-the-abyss type ambiance.' ~ JD
'Dear Diary, my teen-angst bullshit now has a body count.' ~ Veronica
'The only place different social types can genuinely get along with each other is in heaven.' ~ JD
'Whether to kill yourself or not is one of the most important decisions a teenager can make.' ~ Pauline
'Football season is over, Veronica. Kurt and Ram had nothing left to offer the school except for date rapes and AIDS jokes.' ~ JD
'Suicide gave Heather depth, Kurt a soul, and Ram a brain. I don't know what it's given me, but I have no control over myself when I'm with J.D. Are we going to prom or to hell?' ~ Veronica
'Hi, I'm sorry. Technically, I did not kill Heather Chandler, but hey who am I trying to kid, right? I just want my high school to be a nicer place. Amen. Did that sound bitchy?' ~ Veronica
'Chaos was what killed the dinosaurs, darling.' ~ JD
'What is your damage, Heather?' ~ Veronica
'Grow up Heather, bulimia's so '87.' ~ Heather Chandler
'Great pate, mom, but I gotta motor if I wanna be ready for that party tonight.' ~ Veronica
'This isn't just a spoke in my menstrual cycle.' ~ Veronica
'The extreme always seems to make an impression.' ~ JD
'I say we just grow up, be adults and die.' ~ Veronica
'Seven schools in seven states and the only thing different is my locker combination.' ~ JD
'Well, f*ck me gently with a chainsaw. Do I look like Mother Theresa?' ~ Heather Chandler
'If you were happy every day of your life you wouldn't be a human being. You'd be a game-show host.' ~ Veronica
'Did you have a brain tumor for breakfast? First you ask if you can be red, knowing that I'm always red.' ~ Heather Chandler
'Dear Diary, no one can stop JD, not the FBI, the CIA or the PTA.' ~ Veronica
'We must pray the other teenagers of Sherwood, Ohio, know the name of that righteous dude who can solve their problems: it's Jesus Christ, and he's in the Book.' ~ Priest
'Our love is God, let's go get a Slushie.' ~ JD
'You know what I want? Cool guys like you out of my life.' ~ Veronica

What Teenagers Want

Veronica: 'All we want is to be treated like human beings, not to be experimented on like guinea pigs or patronized like bunny rabbits.'
Veronica's Dad: 'I don't patronize bunny rabbits.'

Heathers (1988)

Ram: 'Let's kick his ass!'
Kurt: 'Shit, Ram - we're seniors, man. We're too old for that kind of crap. Let's give 'im a good scare, though.'
Ram: 'You gonna eat this?'
Kurt: 'What did your boyfriend say when you told 'im you were movin' to Sherwood, Ohio?'
Ram: 'Answer him, dick!'
Kurt: 'Hey Ram, doesn't this cafeteria have a "No Fags Allowed" rule?'
JD: 'Well they, uh, seem to have an open door policy for assholes though, don't they?'

Drip, Drip, Drip, Drip...

Vinny: 'Weren't you the last one to use the bathroom?'
Lisa: 'So?'
Vinny: 'Well, did you use the faucet?'
Lisa: 'Yeah'.
Vinny: 'Then why didn'tcha turn it off?'
Lisa: 'I did turn it off!'
Vinny: 'Well, if you turned it off, why am I listening to it?'
Lisa: 'Did it ever occur to you it could be turned off AND drip at the same time?'
Vinny: 'No. Because if you'd turned it off, it wouldn't drip!'
Lisa: 'Maybe it's broken.'
Vinny: 'Is that what you're saying? It's broken?'
Lisa: 'Yeah. That's it, it's broken.'
Vinny: 'You sure?'
Lisa: 'I'm positive.
Vinny: 'Maybe you didn't twist it hard enough.'
Lisa: 'I twisted it just right'.
Vinny: 'How could you be so sure?'
Lisa: 'If you will look in the manual, you will see that this particular model faucet requires a range of 10 to 16 foot-pounds of torque. I routinely twist the maximum allowable torquage.'
Vinny: Well, how could you be sure you used 16 foot-pounds of torque?'
Lisa: 'Because I used a Craftsman model 1019 Laboratory Edition Signature Series torque wrench. The kind used by Caltech high energy physicists. And NASA engineers.'
Vinny: 'Well, in that case, how can you be sure that's accurate?'
Lisa: 'Because a split second before the torque wrench was applied to the faucet handle, it had been calibrated by top members of the state and federal Department of Weights and Measures to be dead on balls accurate!'
Lisa: 'Here's the certificate of validation.'
Vinny: 'Dead on balls accurate?'
Lisa: 'It's an industry term.'
Vinny: 'I guess the fucking thing is broken.'

We's Famous For Our Mud

Lisa: 'Famous for your mud? How's your Chinese food?'
Vinny: 'You just keep asking about Chinese food. You gotta let everybody know you're a tourist?'
Lisa: 'Yeah well what are you, a f*cking world traveler?'

Customizing the Legal System

Vinny: 'My clients were caught completely by surprise. They thought they were getting arrested for shoplifting a can of tuna.'
Judge Chamberlain Haller: 'What are you telling me? That they plead not guilty?'
Vinny: 'No. I'm just trying to explain.'
Judge Chamberlain Haller: 'I don't want to hear explanations. The state of Alabama has a procedure. And that procedure is to have an arraignment. Are we clear on this?'
Vinny: 'Yes, but there seems to be a great deal of confusion here. You see, my clients...'
Judge Chamberlain Haller: 'Uh, Mr. Gambini?
Judge Chamberlain Haller: 'All I ask from you is a very simple answer to a very simple question. There are only two ways to answer it: guilty or not guilty.'
Vinny: 'But your honor, my clients didn't do anything.'
Judge Chamberlain Haller: Once again, the communication process has broken down. It appears to me that you want to skip the arraignment process, go directly to trial, skip that, and get a dismissal. Well, I'm not about to revamp the entire judicial process just because you find yourself in the unique position of defending clients who say they didn't do it.'

A Sharp Dressed Man

Vinny: 'My clients...'
Judge Chamberlain Haller: 'What are you wearing?'
Vinny: 'Huh?'
Judge Chamberlain Haller: 'What are you wearing?'
Vinny: 'Um, I'm wearing clothes.'
Vinny: 'I, I don't get the question.'
Judge Chamberlain Haller: 'When you come into my court looking like you do, you not only insult me, but you insult the integrity of this court.'
Vinny: 'I apologise, sir, but, uh, this is how I dress.'
Judge Chamberlain Haller: 'The next time you appear in my court, you will look lawyerly. And I mean you comb your hair, and wear a suit and tie. And that suit had better be made out of some sort of cloth. You understand me?'
Vinny: 'Uh yes. Fine, Judge, fine'

Voir Dire

D.A. Trotter: 'Ms. Vito, what is your current profession?'
Lisa: 'I'm an out-of-work hairdresser.'
D.A. Trotter: 'An out-of-work hairdresser. In what way does that qualify you as an expert in automobiles?'
Lisa: 'It doesn't.'

The Perfect Camouflage

Lisa: 'What?'
Vinny: 'Nothing. You stick out like a sore thumb around here.'
Lisa: 'Me? What about you?'
Vinny: 'I fit in better than you. At least I'm wearing cowboy boots.'
Lisa: 'Oh yeah, you blend.'

Defying the Laws of Physics

Vinny: 'How could it take you five minutes to cook your grits when it takes the entire grit-eating world 20 minutes?'
Mr. Tipton: 'Um, I'm a fast cook, I guess.'
Vinny: 'What? I'm sorry I was over there. Did you just say you were a fast cook? Are we to believe that boiling water soaks into a grit faster in your kitchen than any place on the face of the earth?'
Mr. Tipton: 'I don't know.'
Vinny: 'Perhaps the laws of physics cease to exist on your stove. Were these magic grits? Did you buy them from the same guy who sold Jack his beanstalk beans?'

A Hearty Breakfast

Vinny: 'Whats this over here?'
Cook: 'You never heard of grits?'
Vinny: 'Sure I've heard of grits. I just never actually seen a grit before.'

My Cousin Vinny (1992)

Vinny: 'It is possible that the two yutes...'
Judge Chamberlain Haller: 'Ah, the two what? Uh, uh, what was that word?'
Vinny: 'Uh, what word?'
Judge Chamberlain Haller: 'Two what?'
Vinny: 'What?'
Judge Chamberlain Haller: 'Uh, did you say 'yutes'?'
Vinny: 'Yeah, two yutes.'
Judge Chamberlain Haller: 'What is a yute?'
Vinny: 'Oh, excuse me, your honor.'
Vinny: 'Two YOUTHS.'

Saturday, August 1, 2009

Howard Stern, Marriage Counselor

Howard Stern: 'Hello. Is this Betty Jean Rushton?'
Betty Jean Rushton: 'Yes, it is.'
Howard Stern: 'Hi, there. This is Howard Stern, WNnnnnBC. I'm calling because your husband Kenny has been really bitchy around the station lately and we thought that maybe you should give him some more sex.'
Betty Jean Rushton: 'More sex?'
Howard Stern: 'Yeah, he's backed up! Isn't he backed up, Ross?,

F&%* the FCC

Jackie: 'My answer is "cock", and I wrote it really big, so I have a "big cock!"'
Howard: 'I'm afraid you can't say "big cock" on the air. That's a no-no.'
Robin Quivers: 'But I just said "pussy".'
Jackie: 'Yeah, she just said "pussy".'
Howard: 'Well, "pussy's" okay. It's the way you say it. "Big cock" coming out of your mouth is, just not good.'
Jackie: 'Wait a minute. I can't say "big cock", but you can say "big cock coming out of your mouth?"'
Howard: 'That's right.'
Jackie: 'That sucks!'
Fred Norris: 'Did you just say "big cock coming out of your mouth that sucks"?'
Howard: 'So Brett, what did you write down?'
Robin Quivers: 'Just like the boys, Gene. I've got "cock".'
Howard: 'Do me a favor. Hold that up for a second so I can see your "cock".'

Parts Is Parts

'You're a moron! Now shut up and sit still!' ~ Ben Stern
'I am the hero of the lesbian community.' ~ Howard Stern
'Howard is on the FCC's Most Wanted List.' ~ Roger Erlick
'After all, being misunderstood is the fate of all true geniuses is it not?' ~ Howard Stern
'I told you not to be stupid, you moron.' ~ Ben Stern
'We never went to ballgames. The only sport my dad liked was yelling.' ~ Howard Stern
'Lesbians equals ratings.' ~ Howard Stern
'I tell you, nothing makes a woman hotter than to be with an award-winning filmmaker.' ~ Howard Stern
'You're the anti-Christ. You know that, Stern?' ~ Pig Vomit
'"Kill Kill Kill the White Man" by Eugene Mamalookaboobooday. Eugene is my pen name 'cause I wrote this while I was in the Pen.' ~ Howard Stern
'Hey honey, Robin Leech says we should move to Antigua.' ~ Howard Stern

Howard Stern's Private Parts (1997)

Researcher: 'The average radio listener listens for eighteen minutes. The average Howard Stern fan listens for - are you ready for this? - an hour and twenty minutes.'
Pig Vomit: 'How can that be?'
Researcher: 'Answer most commonly given? "I want to see what he'll say next."'
Pig Vomit: 'Okay, fine. But what about the people who hate Stern?'
Researcher: 'Good point. The average Stern hater listens for two and a half hours a day.'
Pig Vomit: 'But if they hate him, why do they listen?'
Researcher: 'Most common answer? "I want to see what he'll say next."'